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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Breathe Offline
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Sick Of My Life - June 28th 2010, 04:42 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I just graduated high school and I'm going to college in the fall; this should be the happiest time of my life. After graduation, all my friends disappeared. The only person I have left is my boyfriend. He abuses me physically, emotionally, and sexually. He controls every thing I do, from the places I go to the clothes I wear. He says he has people watch me to make sure I'm doing what I say I'm doing, and at this point I'm so paranoid I believe it. If I don't answer my phone or text him back quick enough he tries to find me. He's choked me before. He has punched me in the face. He's threatened to make me walk home from his place - 20 miles - if I don't sleep with him. He blackmails me with pictures he's taken of me. He deals drugs and makes me go with him on deals so that, in his words, I will go down with him if he gets caught. He's threatened to kill me if I leave him. He has walked in on me cutting, and has laughed at me.

Every day he keeps track of everything I eat and if I eat more than him - and he usually just eats like a bowl of cereal and a banana - he calls me fat and tells me to go exercise. I've become completely obsessed with my weight and with being skinny. I barely swallow food anymore. I get sick when I do. I exercise until I'm physically sick. I've started loving the feeling of being hungry. I'm trapped in this cycle. If I eat anywhere close to what what a healthy person eats, I gain weight. And I'm disgusted with myself when I gain weight.

My mom and I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm so stressed when I'm home that I have a constant stomachache. We are truly dirt poor. We don't even have hot water, we have to boil our water bucket by bucket just to take a bath. I have to use all my paychecks to pay her bills rather than save up for my own car and college. College is my only chance to start over, and I can't afford it. I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm forced to drop out.

I know this is all just a long, bitter rant, but I'm exhausted. I've gotten to the point where I can't get through the day unless I'm high on painkillers. When I can get my hands on alcohol, I drink as much as I can. I cut often, and I mix drugs and alcohol. Though I've never made a serious attempt, sometimes I hope I won't wake up when I pass out. I just don't care anymore. I need help, but I don't feel like there is anything that can help me. I don't know what to do anymore.
   
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Re: Sick Of My Life - June 28th 2010, 06:57 AM

You have truly had a very hard life. And I am so sorry for that, I really am.

The first thing I'm going to say is, you have to get out of this relationship with your boyfriend. There is NOTHING right about this guy--nothing. I know that you have said he has threatened you if you were to leave him, but you need to leave him. Call the police, and tell them everything. They will help you get away from him. And if you are afraid of calling them; then hun, I am willing to call for you, and I'm sure a lot of people here would be willing to make that call too. No one deserves someone like that. You are WAY beyond him. Please call the police. You need to get out of this relationship with him. And his whole "You'll go down with me too if I get caught"--bullshit. You were threatened and forced to go, against your own will. He'll be the only one 'going down'.

Secondly, I can understand how stressful it is to not have money. My family and I are a family of 9, and soon to be 10 later this day, and we also do not have hot water. I hate it too, and I can't stand it. But there is welfare you could sign up for. The government will help you and your family. You do not have to live like this. Will help you can go on to college, and have a whole new life. You do have the power to do whatever you want to; you just need a little bit of help to get you to the point you want to be at. And I won't lie, it probably will be a long, and tiresome journey, but it will all be worth it when you are away from that abusive boyfriend of yours, eating right and taking care of yourself, and are in college doing what you want to do in life.

Also, you have no reason to be disgusted with yourself for eating. It's what humans do, and you need the energy and nutrients it gives you. Your boyfriend is in the wrong for trying to tell you otherwise. You just need a little help is all, and everything will be okay.

You can always talk to me if you ever need anyone to talk to. I really hope this helped you, and just remember: you have the power to get out of this. You have the power to get away from that abusive boyfriend, and start a whole new life. You just need some help.

Keep staying strong, and take care.

--Emily
   
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Re: Sick Of My Life - June 28th 2010, 08:57 PM

I really appreciate you taking the time. I know everything you've said is true in theory, it's just kind of hard to actually apply it, you know? I want out of this relationship but even if I do, I will have no friends and I don't feel like I'd be much better off. I want to eat but I don't want to gain weight. No one is going to find me attractive if I gain weight, and that's even more important if I leave my boyfriend.

And then there's the whole mess of calling the police. I've thought about it plenty, trust me. But yeah, you're right, I'm terrified. I'm afraid no one will believe me. I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid for staying in the relationship. I'm afraid he won't go to jail. Because the only thing that's going to stop him from hurting me is him getting locked up. And he can't stay locked up forever.

I'm sorry that you and your family don't have a lot of money either. No one should have to live this way. I am getting financial aid for college, but it still doesn't cover everything. My mom used to tell me she'd pay me back when I helped out with bills for the month, but at this point I pitch in my paycheck regularly, so I have nothing of my own. It makes me resent her a little, which probably makes me a terrible daughter.

Anyway, I'm ranting now. I don't talk to anybody about this stuff so it's hard to stop now, haha. But really, thank you for taking the time to reply. It helps to hear something encouraging.
   
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Re: Sick Of My Life - June 29th 2010, 10:14 AM

Honey u really need to help yourself here, nobody is goin 2 do it for you. Start by getting out of that relationship. I no it will be terribly hard but isnt it hard now? You can be strong and make your own life, give yourself that chance.

Keep your chin up
and pm me if u wanna talk X


But so many people are looking to me
to be strong and to fight

but i'm just surviving
and I may be weak but I'm never defeated

and I'll keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining



   
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Re: Sick Of My Life - June 29th 2010, 08:15 PM

You really need to get out of the relationship with your boyfriend. I think that he has something wrong deep inside and he takes out on you. The way an abuser(which your boyfriend is) is that they say stuff like I'll kill you if you ever leave me, the prey on the weak, and if they think or know your believe it, they'll tell you all of those lies. The second thing is is that people won't hate you if you gain weight. I'm 135 pounds and have plenty of friend who are skinner than me. I've even had a boyfriend. Your not in a helthy relationship, and it's causing you to go downhill. Don' let him dictate your life, even though I know its hard. If you have to change all of your phone numbers when you go to college so he can't find you,you can also legally change your name if you have to go that far. But don't live your life to please a jerk like him, live your life for yourself.
   
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Re: Sick Of My Life - June 29th 2010, 11:44 PM

Thanks to everyone who replied, I really appreciate the encouragement. I'm definitely going to think it over. Nothing's going to change overnight, but.. I'm really trying to start taking steps to turn my life around.
   
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Re: Sick Of My Life - June 30th 2010, 01:35 AM

I understand what you said about actually applying the advice. It's easy to say "I'm going to do this," or "I need to do this" but when it comes down to it, it's hard to do.

I'm glad you're at least thinking all of this over. It won't happen overnight, I agree, it'll take some time, but I really hope you get out of this situation. (:

I also agree with what Angeal said. No one is going to hate you by you gaining weight. I'm waaaaaaaaaay heavier than her (lol) and I have also been in a relationship for over a year. So people are still going to love you, no matter what you look like.
   
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