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asdfzxcv Offline
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The horror of going with the flow... - June 28th 2010, 11:12 PM

OK, so in a nutshell this is what the story is. I'm living with my dysfunctional family and have been suffering from severe depression for 6 years now. Up to about 4 years ago I had suicidal thoughts, but then due to being overly optimistic about whether things will start getting better,(or some other dumb-ass reason I cant figure out) I stopped thinking about it. Unfortunately though, my depression has been worsening ever since. I have almost no contacts with anyone outside of school or home and have lost my drive to do anything. I find it difficult making the simplest of choices and standing up for myself.Right now I am living with the belief that I am worthless and the fear that my whole life will be like this. What is worst is that I am just intelligent enough to realize I should be disgusted with myself.And so I am.

So to be honest, after a while my idea of normal has become quite distorted.
And because of that I'm not sure, is it normal for me to feel like crap for such a long period of time?
   
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Re: The horror of going with the flow... - June 29th 2010, 07:28 AM

Dude, hang in there. For me my hardest years were 16/17. It was hell. I felt alone everywhere I looked (going back now I can see/understand why I felt a sense of being isolated even from my adoptive family - because everywhere I was an outsider) those years were like falling through a black hole. Felt like killing myself. Felt like there was no hope. That I'd just go along and wind up nobody, just a pathetic loser I was always. Or at least that's how I saw myself.

Now? I'm an intern for a top company. I know an amazing girl that's arriving out here in the big city come August and from the grapevine - she likes me. Sure, sometimes problems from my past creep back up. I have moments of severe paranoia still, but then I do what my shrink told me and ask myself "why would this happen?" to come up with the conclusion "it wouldn't doesn't make sense, over reacting." It's hard at times, yeah. I still feel like a burden sometimes - though my brain at least finally knows different. But, other than that anxiety disorder -

Point is where you are at 16/17 it feels like the end of the world. It feels like nothing can ever work out. It feels like death is the better option. But, that's not it at all because someday you'll look back and go - if only I could tell myself when I was that age what happens in the future. That's partly why I'm here even though I don't know if I would have believed it. The thing is, no matter how bleak things may look now, things will turn out alright in the future. Just hang on, keep fighting, keep surviving because in the end - that'll make you stronger than everyone else - you'll come out on top.


"Maybe I just like people. Maybe sexuality isn't one thing or the other. Maybe it's just something that's shifting and moving. I just know I'm not thinking man or woman."
- SHAMELESS.
   
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Re: The horror of going with the flow... - June 29th 2010, 07:35 AM

It's normal. Actually, that's just like me, excluding the 6 years.
Well, to me, it's an everyday passing.
But I got to agree with ThePunkAlien. Things might light up.
Just keep on there. There may be hope for you.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
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