Depressed and lonely when apart

[walking east of eden]

My boyfriend and I have been involved in a eight month relationship, we have both been having the same problem which in my experience has progressivly gotten worse. The problem is we become unbearably depressed and lonely when we're apart. And no matter what we do ... be it distracting ourselves by engaging in activites to try stop thinking about one another to actually talking over the phone to each other. We are left in a state of sadness and isolation, we have both found after a few days that we start going insane. Next year it is going to be worse... he'll be out of school and in the workforce and I'll still be in school doing my final year of education... we won't see each other on a regular basis anymore and probably only see each other once a week if we're lucky. He tried to make me move in with him next year... but I have refused it because it is a bad idea... we are only 17, no money and I'm going to be doing year 12. Does anyone have any clue to what we could do to make our time apart more berable or have any suggestions to alternatives to me living with him?

[Daydreamer]

Hey Jessica-Rose, and welcome to TeenHelp. ")

First of all I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're struggling with not being able to see your boyfriend, I'm currently in a long distance relationship and I had a lot of trouble in the beginning with not seeing him. Now I'd just like to offer a little bit of advice, you really should be careful not to let your whole life revolve around your significant other. It's okay to love them and spend time with them, just try and have things to do outside of the relationship.

On that note I can see you're trying to make the change, and I'd love to try and help. At first it is going to be hard to not see each other, and you have the right idea with distracting yourself. Make plans with friends, do something with your family. I would try and work on slowly cutting down on the time you see each other, so maybe once a week you can see each other, or try and go a whole week with out seeing each other. You can text the whole time, and you can talk every night, but just try to limit hang out time. You need to try to find some interests outside of each other.

Hope everything gets easier.

[JackOffJill]

I can relate to what you are going through. When Im away from my boyfriend I get really sad and lonely. My boyfriend and I text each other basically every minute we are apart. When I dont hear from him, I get really worried. I wish that I had some advice that would make it easier for you and your boyfriend but since I am stuck in the same type of situation Im not sure what to suggest. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the feelings that you experience.

[PlayingPretend]

I'm in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend of a year - he's in England - so I can understand where you're coming from. It's difficult, being able to see your significant other all of three times a year, and I imagine it's no less difficult being able to see your significant once a week or maybe not even that, so I empathise. I do commend you on not moving in with him, as I feel this is a very mature decision that not many people your age would have made, but you're right - there's a lot that goes in to living with somebody that maybe your boyfriend hadn't considered at the time.

My recommendation would be to busy yourself with friends or with family. I've often found that though hobbies can be helpful, it's even more helpful being out and about with actual company, because that way, you aren't alone regardless of what you're doing. No, it's not going to stop you from missing your boyfriend 100%, but it'll help. It might also help engaging yourselves in more active activities. Have you ever considered taking up a sport or changing up your exercise routine? Not only would it be good for your health and not only would it keep you busy, but it'd also be a way of upping the endorphins that flow through your body. An exercise routine is often recommended for those with depression, and I have seen it positively affect a lot of people on here and in my life outside the internet.

Another thing to consider... Have you ever considered writing letters to your boyfriend? People have called me silly for sending mail to my boyfriend and for being so excited about receiving something in return, especially since there's the internet and the phone and especially seeing as how we talk every night via one (or sometimes both) of these communications. But writing and receiving letters is something that brings me a great deal of joy. When it's sent, it gives us both something to look forward to in the sense one of us is excited to receive and the other is excited to see the partner's reaction; when it's the other person's turn to send a letter, the roles are reversed. This also isn't something we do frequently, so though it could be considered on a regular basis, it's still few and far between enough to keep things exciting. We often include romantic little notes in our deliveries.

I also tend to write a lot of letters that I put into a journal rather than sending. My letter writing is very therapeutic, but then, writing is a hobby I've always deeply connected with. It's a way of expressing my thoughts and my feelings and of putting them down on paper, and it doesn't necessarily have to be something I share to feel better about it. Sometimes I share the whole thing and sometimes I don't share at all and other times I share only a fraction of it, when it helps, so that's something I do to pour my heart out. And as with anything, talking about your feelings or getting them out in some way can go a long way towards making you feel better.

Other than that, I also encourage you to use positive encouragement, for lack of a better way to put it. For example, though you might feel depressed and isolated, remind yourself that you will get to see your boyfriend again, and maybe even remind yourself of how lucky and fortunate you are to be able to love someone that much and to have someone who loves you. One thing that can also help is making a list of things for which you're grateful for, not necessarily just things about your boyfriend, but things in your life in general. It can really start to generate a more positive mindset, and that can also go a long way towards making you feel better.

Best of luck,
Elliotte