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Omen. Offline
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Angry What can I do? Jackshit. - July 1st 2010, 10:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, my depression hasn't been getting better. In fact it's been getting worse. Now that my OCD isn't intrusive anymore I guess you could say my depression has taken over. I feel like I'm better off dying and not living anymore. I fucking hate work to the point where I'm depressed going there even though it's only part-time. I've applied for other jobs and positions but they haven't got back to me; making me feel even more depressed because I feel like I'll have to stay working at McDonalds for the rest of my life. I just want to be able to finish my exams, go to uni and get another job. Which leads me to the other reason why I'm so fucking depressed. I was talking to my Mum this morning about going to uni. Every since I was 10 or 11, I've always wanted to go to uni. Though my career path has changed, it's been one where uni is required. Journalism is something I've wanted to do since I was in Year 8 and nothing has changed my mind. This morning my Mum said it wasn't a proper career that all people do is sit around writing stories. So I've been writing down numbers of new places and going to ring them when I can to maybe organise work experience or if they can offer me a traineeship. My friends don't even fucking care anymore...I feel like I'm losing everyone I care about. I seriously have bad trust issues from what my friend did. This was a while ago but I told her I hooked up with a guy; just pretty much kissing and fingering...that's all I told her because that's all we did. Yet I only told her we had kissed. One day when the guy I hooked up with asked me for my friends number I gave it to him and naturally they started texting each other. But then my so-called friend starting saying stuff like how I told her I had given him a head-job, he fingered me and that we had rooted when I didn't tell her any of that shit. Then she told him that I had said that he records having sex with girls and puts them on the internet. I was so angry I had a full go at both of them and naturally my friend denied saying all that shit. So now I keep my feelings to my fucking self because of that dumb bitch! And I mean it in a literally sense...she's a fucking mutt! People say "Oh you can trust me; I won't tell anyone." Fuck off assholes. IT'S THE FACT THAT I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST YOU!
I've come to point where I don't really care if I live or die. I just want to fall asleep and somehow not wake up. I can't really use the excuse of "I have too many people to live for" when, to be honest, I don't. Yeah I have my family and like a few off my friends but that's about it. I don't have anyone that loves me more than that...a family member or friend. I want someone to hold onto me when I'm crying or when they feel like it. I want someone to tell me that they love me and mean it. I want to say to someone that I love them. I want someone to kiss me. I want someone to look into my eyes and know instantly when there's something wrong. I want someone to actually listen to me when I'm a foul mood and give me advice. I want someone to respect and be honest with me. I want someone who will love me for who I am and for who I'm not. And finally, I want someone to tell me just how much I mean to them when all hope seems lost for me. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of guys using me for sex. I'm tired of constantly crying because of the way I'm feeling. I'm tired of feeling empty and numb in my stomach. I'm tired of feeling pain in my chest so strong that sometimes I can't breath and all I want to do is curl up in a ball, by myself and cry. I just want to go somewhere for a few hours by myself and not have to talk or be around anyone. I'm sick of people coming to me for advice. I'm sick of being treated like I'm a piece of dog shit that someones stepped on. I'm sick of being the "happy, immature" one at school while inside I'm really bleeding. I'm sick of people not noticing my achievements yet their the first ones to criticise me when I do a mistake.
I need help...

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Alrex Offline
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Re: What can I do? Jackshit. - July 1st 2010, 10:38 AM

It sounds like you should be listening to what you think, follow your own path and don't let your mom decide which career path you should follow.

Life is fucked and it sounds like it is time to make new friends.

Trial and error, you already tried and had an error, time to make new friends and try again.
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