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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Stephanie
Age: 28
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Location: Greenwood, Indiana

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I don't know where to start... - July 2nd 2010, 11:48 AM

I really need some advice... okay so I had my best freinds when I was younger, then I got into highschool... and I got really ill with an eating disorder ect. so I dropped out of school cuz i was so ill and I got put on quarantine... and basically, now I have no friends, I got a ged and took the SAT... I just...

well I get on facebook now and my former best freinds don't want to have anything to do with me, and I'm heartbroken over it. One in particular won't even speak to me... because I wasn't around for a few years. There are a lot of reasons why. I had an eating disorder. My dream of being on stage... in showchoir, got ruined becasue of my ED and all my freinds were in showchoir too, and I was just heartbroken when I tried to be around them cuz they would talk about it and I'd feel really left out, and I felt like I didn't fit in and I felt like I was bringing them down because I was depressed... plus my mom would get mad at me when I tried to see them... so I quite comming around.

So in short, all my dreams got squashed... I am freiendless, and super shy so it's hard to make new friends... they were the only freinds I had my whole life...

Now they hate me... and it's making me really sad... I've been trying to get over it for months. I cry for them, I cry for all the good times I had with them... they were like my sancuary back in the day. I could hardly ever be sad around them. I love them.

Now I'm going through so many emotions toward them part of me wants to hate them... speacially one... she got all my dreams and everything I ever wanted and worked for, and she didn't even want it. I guess I just wanted it too bad... that's how I ended up getting sick in the first place, because I was trying SO hard to achieve my goals... of being a dancer, a model, a singer... just on a stage somewhere. I need to be on a stage... to make somebody proud of me, but no... my perfectionism beat me.

My question is, how do i get over them? how do I move on? I keep trying to meet new girlfriends but it's really hard. I don't feel like I belong anywhere... I feel like my identity is stuck inside me and it wont come out. I am really sad... and lonely. How do I get over the jealousy I feel toward the one girl? I don't really want to be jealous of her or be mad at her, I want to be the bigger person... but it's just starting to infuriate me. She has all these friends and she was on tv and she's going and she's modeling... and she got to be the choirs company manager... and cinderella for one of the years. I could have done what I wanted... I could have done all that stuff, but I have low selfesteem and I'm afraid to do everything, unless it's gonna be perfect. I pretty much hate myself for not being able to get out there and do stuff. ihate myself for getting my eating disorder. I hate everybody else for not heling me when I begged for it. I hate that my mom separated me from everything that was important and led me down the wrong paths, cuz she's sick too. I am nobody now, and I am alone.

Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites; like my appetite for patterns; perhaps my appetite to imagine and to dream. - A Beautiful Mind

I met Steven October 3rd, 2008. We've been practically inseperable ever since. ♥
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't know where to start... - July 2nd 2010, 12:21 PM

Hi Stephanie
It's sad to hear about that, but if they were your actual friends, they'd been with you through the bad times as well. You know you have to move on, and trust me, you'd fit somewhere, but you have to change a bit your mind, you're more likely to be accepted in a group if you come there thinking "hey, they can accept me" instead of that negative thinking of "I don't fit". I know how hard it is, but you've been very strong in your life by fighting against your ED, don't hate yourself, be proud of your willpower and after all, and ED isn't something you want, it's a sickness, you can't blame anyone because of being ill.
Maybe this girl has got her goals, it's normal to be jealous but think that your life has been harder, and you're wonderful the way you are, you are yourself and that's more than enough.
I'm sorry about what your mother did to you, mine also wants to choose my friends all the time, but you said she's sick, so she can't see clearly what she's done to you, I bet she didn't want to hurt you, sometimes people just act wrong.
Learn to forgive yourself first, then think the world is waiting for you to come there, some people won't like you, that's true, but some others will love you.
Don't rush anything, best things in life usually come by accident.
Hope you find all you need, you're not alone, many people care about you, even if you can't see it now.
All the best xx

Fear Cuts Deeper Than Knives

"And if you told me 'go to the hell', I'd tell you I know pretty well that place"
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't know where to start... - July 3rd 2010, 02:47 AM


It's very sad to know about how your dreams were crushed and you lost your friends. But know that if they were you true friends. They wouldnt give up for you and help you through your depression.

Even my self, i stutter alot and because of this many people think i'm wierd or retarded and thus i don't have lotts of friends ;just a small group.

But all wounds heal over time and, to get over them try to start of really slow just try using small talk to meet other people and then eventually go into lengthy conversations. Try praticing by using chat rooms to meet friends.

Know that your dreams are not over. Although you got a GED try getting your online high school diploma and from there try your dreams again.

Just don't give up and hold your head high!!!

"This is 10% Luck, 20% Skill, 15% Concentrated Power of Will, 5% Pleasure, 15% Pain; And a 100% reason to remember the name!"
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