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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Rawr?
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Name: Molly
Gender: Female
Location: In the mooshiest, gooshiest, bloodiest part of your heart <3

Posts: 80
Blog Entries: 1
Join Date: May 16th 2010

I don't even know.. - July 3rd 2010, 04:44 AM

Things are just horrible. I shouldn't even feel this way, my life could be so much worse. But I'm in love with a straight girl, and my house doesn't feel like a home. The only great thing that has happened to me in the last couple of weeks was acting camp, but that's over in a week. My mom is starting to hate me, and like my future step-brother better, and my future step-dad and brother also hate me. I can't keep my mouth shut during all the wrong times, but I can't speak when I should. I hate myself. I want my real dad to be here, and to hug me and tell me he still loves me and listen to my problems, but he's never going to. I want him so bad, but I've never even met him. From what I've heard, he would have been a horrible dad, but that's from my mom who hated him. Nothing can fix this. I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. All I can think about is ending it all and finding peace. I just want out of my brain. Isn't almost fourteen years of total misery enough? Can I just give up now?


I
Am
Bisexual
And
Proud
And I don't know what to say here but I need to say something so it's purple and I can finish the rainbow

I haven't cut or self-harmed in any other way since June 15, 2010!

We won't stop until somebody calls the cops and even then, we'll start again and pretend that nothing ever happened. We're just dancing, we're just hugging, screaming, kissing, tugging, on the sleeve of how it used to be. Kimya Dawson

Hey, you should just PM me because you're BEAUTIFUL!
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Apollo Offline
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Name: Apollo
Age: 27
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Location: Somewhere over the rainbow. =)

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Join Date: February 26th 2010

Re: I don't even know.. - July 10th 2010, 04:08 AM

Molly,

Things may be horrible now, but things always get better... You just have to wait. When things go good you'll be so much happier, and you'll be glad you didn't give up during the rough times of your life. Also, you must remember that everybody has complications in their life, whether you know it or not. Nobody's life is perfect. And regarding your love, if she's straight there's nothing you can really do about it. It sucks, yes, but it's not the end of the world if things between you and her don't work out. There are billions of people in the world, and there's plenty of time to find one, especially at your age.

We often use the word "hate" to describe great resentment towards other people or things. I know we have all heard this before, but "hate" is a very strong word. I know for a fact, and I don't even know you or them that well, that those people do not hate you. Everybody dislikes people, but what can we do about it? Nothing. Sure, it's your family, but they might be going through their own hardships and the only way to get it out is to take it out on the people they normal see. Anyways, I think you should talk to them. If your mother is getting married, which it sounds like, then you're not going to want to live with people who maybe misunderstand each other? You also have to think about things from your soon-to-be step-father. It's hard coming into a family and taking over the father role. You're not his biological child, and sometimes they don't know exactly how to act or how to approach you so they can talk with you. I am speaking from experience here, so if different circumstances apply to yourself, feel free to let me know and we can talk that out too. Oh, and before I forget, I also know what it's like to be disconnected from your biological parent(s). Remember though, a "real" father (you used the term "real") doesn't always mean biological. A "real" parent is somebody who cares and loves you like their own child. I'm not implying that your biological father wasn't a good parent or anything, I'm just saying this in regards to your soon-to-be one. Sometimes parents don't get along for different reasons, and that's why they say things that may be... Untruthful, I suppose? Or maybe an exaggeration. If you want to have contact with your biological father, that may be possible. I would respect your mother's wishes to a certain extent, though.

For now, I want you to talk to somebody about everything that is bringing you to this point. Talking really helps, and I think you may find it beneficial to your well-being. You're only fourteen, you're young and have plenty of time. Find the good things in your life - everybody has at least one, whether you realize it or not- and embrace them. The good things will seem even better once you find yourself to be happy again. Always feel free to contact me to talk or anything else.

-Apollo.



Always feel free to contact me.
<3 |.YOU ARE LOVED.| <3


.TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY.

You may think the world is better off without you...
The truth:
The world isn't
good enough without you.








Last edited by Apollo; July 10th 2010 at 04:36 AM.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Crescendo Offline
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Re: I don't even know.. - July 10th 2010, 05:24 PM

Molly,

First of all, i want to say amazing job reaching out for help here at TH. It sometimes isn't easy to reach out for help but it means a teeny tiny part of you wants to live. and you need to fight for that teeny tiny piece.

I've been suicidal a lot too. The first thing I noticed about your post is that you invalidated yourself, which means that you made your problems seem unimportant, when really they are very important. people will always have it worse than you, and some people will always have it better. comparing yourself to other people probably not only doesn't solve anything, but makes you feel worse. so try to not compare.

The second thing that stood out to me was when you said "nothing can fix this." there's a lot of things we have very little control of in this world, and no, there is no way to "fix" a lot of them. But there are ways to learn to accept them, and manage them, so that they hurt less.

Try to find something you love to do that no one can take away from you. some way to get your emotions out. maybe its acting. maybe its writing or art. maybe its working out or music or being with animals. For me its meditating, writing, and collages. I try to make sure i spend some time doing the things i like to do every single day.

Another thing thats really helped me is focusing on goals.Ask yourself "If I was happy, how would life be different than it is now?" It may be hard to imagine if you've been in emotional pain for a long time, but try to write as much as you can about what your life would be like. Then try to pick out the things in your "happy" life that you actually have control over and can work towards. Something like winning the lottery isn't realistic, but there are probably going to be several things that you do have control over. Make them specific and realistic goals and take small steps towards them everyday.

Your life has meaning, Molly. You are valuable, and precious, and not alone.
Feel free to VM or PM me anytime.

Megan



When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
-grey's.anatomy-
   
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