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hope begins Offline
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Name: Hannah
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I'm struggling at the moment. - July 8th 2010, 10:14 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey.. I feel kind of bad for posting, I joined more because I wanted to help out, but I'm having a pretty rough time just at the moment and could use some help and support.

Things have been so awful for the past year or so, I've been very low and ended up having to take time out of uni, go back home to my parents. I ended up being very suicidal and terrified all the time and unable to cope with the thoughts I was having. I spent a couple of months in hospital which was horrible but it did help, I got the right medication, and things have been a lot better since I got out (a couple of months, now) I have been coping, and so on, had some pretty happy times actually.

Just at the moment, I'm really finding things hard. I don't want to end up back where I was, I don't think I could cope with going through that again, not so soon. I'm trying very hard to do all the things that I know I should; go to the gym, get out of the house, have a healthy routine, and so on. It's just such an effort at the moment, I feel like I'm being crushed by unhappiness, I literally have no energy, even doing the simplest things leaves me completely drained. I just want to cry and crawl into bed and never come out.

It's been quite a while since I self-harmed, maybe 10 weeks or so, and I know, I absolutely know, that it isn't going to help, but I am really finding it hard not to hurt myself. I think about it all the time, it's very intense. I know about distractions and alternatives, but it isn't making much of a difference just now because my thoughts are screaming and screaming that I have to do it, that I haven't hurt myself badly enough yet and I have to do much worse, until there's no room left for anything else in my head, and I can't get it to shut up.

I have a problem with overeating when I'm low, and I just can't seem to control myself. I'm putting on more and more weight which, of course, is only making me more unhappy.

I don't feel suicidal, I know that I have a lot to look forward to and I do want to live, but the thoughts are there again - "you should die / i want to die [even though I KNOW I don't]" and I know it's not long from there to actually feeling suicidal; before, it was incredibly difficult not to act on these feelings, to the point that I literally HAD to be kept safe by other people, and it was all so intense that I felt like the thoughts weren't even mine and were being put in my head. I'm so scared, terrified, of going back to that, but I don't really know what I can do at the moment to avoid slipping backwards.

I don't feel like there's anything that mental health services etc can do for me at the moment. Saying over and over how rubbish I feel isn't going to make a difference. I agreed to call in if I feel unsafe but I don't know that I can, I find it so incredibly difficult to do that. I get scared, and I'm pretty anxious and on edge a lot of the time at the moment, anyway, so it seems a bit unthinkable. I stopped seeing my therapist when I was really 'happy' / on top of the world a couple of weeks ago and thought everything would be fine forever, which I regret now but for a variety of reasons going back isn't an option. I do have a review with "my" psych (I've only met her once before for a mental health act assessment) next week and I will be honest etc and hopefully someway, somehow, that will make a difference. It's just a case of finding some way to cope.

I'm just tired, I feel like I'm going round and round in circles.

Sorry, this has ended up being really long.
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Re: I'm struggling at the moment. - July 9th 2010, 05:36 PM

Haii For one, don't feel bad for posting, it's good that you're asking for help! It must have been tough going through that so I'm glad that you're feeling a little bit better than back then.

I know what you mean when you say that you find it hard to find the energy to do the things you should, I'm kind of going through that at the moment. You're doing well to be doing them still! But they are the things that will help you stop the downward spiral that you feel you're in at the moment. Being active takes your mind off things more than sitting around at home or in bed would. Try not to give those up!

When you're low, how about you try and find something else to do, like something creative to take your mind off it, like art or playing an instrument, or something more active like going out jogging or something.
Instead of eating a lot of food which is making you more unhappy, doing something productive might even be better for you afterwards because you may even feel like you've achieved something, rather than getting the unsatisfied feeling of putting on weight.

Knowing that you don't want to die is the first step, it means that you are willing to fight for it. But getting support is so important at times like these. You should tell someone that you are having all these feelings again so that you can get the support you need. Going back to your therapist might be a good idea just so you can discuss it and get it all out again. Even if you don't think it will help you anymore, it can't do any harm, and you said that you regret not seeing them anymore, so go.

You're right, saying how rubbish you're feeling isn't going to make a difference. So whenever you're feeling like you need to cut or if you're feeling low, then think of something that used to make you happy, even if it's the simplest thing like making rainbows with water coming out of a hose pipe, go and do it. Or do some cooking when you're feeling like you want to eat something, rather than just eating chocolate and snacks, it is more rewarding when doing it because you've made it yourself if you get what I'm saying.

Try and stay positive. You will feel better, even if it takes a bit longer than you hope. But you will feel better.

I hope this helped somewhat.

I'm here if you need to talk or ask anything, so feel free to PM me anytime.

Take care <3
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