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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Achava Elah
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Exclamation Messed up... Totally and completely. - July 9th 2010, 05:02 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't really know how to put this bit I feel soo bad again. I was texting one of my best friends ever, and she was asking me how to help and confront her friend who might be cutting. After that she texts me saying how she's so glad we are friends and she feels so fake around her other friends. What she doesn't know is that I've tried to kill myself when I was in 5th grade (10/11) and consider suicide do often almost every day. I don't tell her most of the time when I cut and bever when I'm suicidal. I hate thinking of how much i can't tell her, and I can't tell her I'm not straight either cause she is uber religious.

I don't know what to do.

I've only told one person these things and I guess I feel guilty.
And I think I'm OCD cause it feels like my weird things are taking over or I am more pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) a form of mild autism.

I feel so messed up. The antidepressants don't work either nor does the anti anxiety meds. I feel so messed and horrible. I feel more paranoid-ish and OCD -ish I hate it.

I don't want to take the 4 meds for it anyways. I never feel a difference anyways.

I don't know what to do.

"Others say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just say Crud, there isn't... I'm stuck in this stupid revolving door..." -Me
PM me anytime you want to talk about anything.And I mean ANYTHING AT ALL!
Formerly achava_elah_18

Been in love since May 2008

Fellow SI,Autism-Spectrum,Depression,Anxiety,Musical,Trichotilloman ia Person. Basically, I'm ME!
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Re: Messed up... Totally and completely. - July 10th 2010, 02:54 AM


I'm so glad you posted and reached out for help. well done.

So the first thing i want to tell is what NOT to do. I know you might not want to take your meds, but do NOT quit them all of the sudden. talk to your doctor about going off them slowly. stopping medication suddenly can increase suicidality. Do please continue taking your medication until you talk to your doctor.

I can definitely relate to the OCD and paranoia. here are a few things i use to deal with the paranoid or obsessive thoughts:

1. The Survey Method- Ask people questions to find out if they
believe you are paranoid about is something to be legitimately
concerned about.

2.Disconnecting From Your Thoughts- Treat your brain like
something separate from you. When you have a thought say “There goes
that brain, thinking those thoughts again! Thanks for your input
brain! You’re doing an awesome job worrying today!” (don’t be
sarcastic, your mind really is doing its job of trying to protect you
from danger. It’s just the brain is over estimating the seriousness of
the danger.)

3.Reconnect with your body- often our thoughts can be so
overwhelming we lose touch with our bodies. Focus on your breathing.
Do a body scan where you pay attention to each body part for a few
seconds and make a mental note of any sensations you are feeling in
that body part. Stand on your tippy toes. Take a cold shower. Clap
your hands as hard as you can. Step barefoot in mud.

4. Change the tone- if you are having an obsessive or intrusive
thought try saying out loud in a different tone of voice. You could
say it very slowly, or in a high pitched tone. You could sing is opera
style, say it like you’re selling it at an auction, say it like darth
vador. The point is to take away the thought’s power by making it

5.Write a letter to your intrusive thoughts telling
them you accept that they are there but know that they are irrational
and will not let them ruin your day.

It must feel horrible feeling comfortable telling your friend so much. But, we do all need someone to lean on. Is there anyone else you can go to for support? a doctor, teacher, older relative, religious person, or counselor? If you think it would be a burden, imagine that you had a friend who killed themselves and in the note said they didn't reach out for help to you because they didn't want to "bother" you. asking for help now will be a lot less painful/burdensome on another person than killing yourself would be. if words aren't doing you justice, try art or poetry!

if you wanted to talk a little more about whats making you suicidal, i might have some more advice for you.

but most important of all, feel free to vm or pm me anytime. and remember:

"you're NOT alone.
There is more to this I know.
you can make it out.
you will live to tell."
-You're not alone by Saosin


When the patient's body has betrayed them,
and all the sciencewe have to offer has failed them,
when worst-case scenario comes true,
clinging to hope is all we've got left.
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completely, messed, totally

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