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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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LostInsideofMe Offline
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Name: Britta
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Lightbulb Why - Why Not? - July 16th 2010, 05:37 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Background (may be helpful?)

Ok so here it is. I'm 16 and I've been dealing with this for 3 years. In the last 3 years I've dealt with my brother's bipolar getting more and more out of control (screaming, breaking things, hurting animals, drugs, etc.) so much that he was hospitalized and then sent away to AZ to live with his dad. Also, the man that helped raise me relapsed into alcoholism. The last time I saw him he broke into the house and yelled at me that he was NOT my father. I got into cutting and major depression and was hospitalized. Then we moved to another state. Everyone else knew about it for months except me. 2 weeks prior. Three days after we got there, we got a phone call saying that my brother (as above mentioned) committed suicide. After that I got into more trouble (cutting, etc.) and my mom told me I had to move in with my biological father (never met) on the other side of the country. My depression worsened and I tried to get them to help. They didnt and were very abusive in many ways. I took it upon myself and went to a hospital. After that they put me in a residential treatment center for 3 months where i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.I was released because of insurance/financial issues. My dad didnt want me back so i moved in with my aunt/uncle. My symptoms have got worse over those three years no matter how much treatment help i get.

Problem

I've been out of treatment for a while now. My BPD is kicking my butt and its effecting my life. I feel like I've lost my mind. I feel insane. Not in the obvious way though. No one knows whats going on inside me and its too hard to explain it all. I've been doing self-destructive things knowing full well it will make me miserable and closer to killing myself. I broke up with my gf even. i can't get things in my head straightened out no matter how hard I or someone else tries. I'm so messed up in the brain and I know that but I continue anyway. I don't have resources to get anymore help. But my "self-destructive" behaviors are ones that hurt others and by that hurting me because that's the thing that always gets to me - hurting others by my actions.

Sorry this is such a novel. =/

So the final point is if I kill myself they will hurt some, yes, but their lives go on. Their lives are on halt because of me. I know how it feels to lose someone to suicide - life does indeed go on. I don't even feel scared anymore about killing myself. I have a way figured out and everything is ready. Im allergic to amoxicillin i will go into severe anaphalaxis and die within minutes. I have a whole bottle. Im here writing this now because I sencond-guess my motives.

Any help?
   
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Re: Why - Why Not? - July 16th 2010, 05:44 AM

Well, the fact you're second-guessing should be enough reason to not do it.

Also, consider that if you stay around, your problems can get straightened out, and get better. Hell, maybe you could become a Youth Worker, or a Psychologist, or whatever else, and help kids in the same mess. You'd be able to say "Yes, I've been there, I got through it, you can too". Or even become a Foster Parent and take in troubled kids. Lets just say, you're more likely to make a difference alive than you are dead.


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Overall, Dare to be yourself.

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Re: Why - Why Not? - July 16th 2010, 06:18 AM

Hey Britta,

It sounds like you're having a really tough go of it.

Sometimes things are so unfair and it makes me want to punch something. I commend you for keeping it together this long.

Wanna here my stick-it-to-em plan?

Get your life back one track. Do something you love. Try and find happiness. Set goals. Prove everyone wrong. Be successful.

then...

STICK IT TO EM!!

Now, I know people who say things like 'The best revenge is being succesful' are the kind of people who wear matching sweaters and work for greeting card companies, but it's true!

What greater revenge could there possibly be than to look back on everyone that did you wrong and gloat about how positively freakin awesome you are?

Okay, maybe that's immature. How about then the feeling you will get knowing how far along you've come?

You didn't have things handed to you. You've been through hell. How good will it feel to pass that? It wont happen overnight. You've got to work on.

If you kill yourself now, Britta, you're letting life cheat you. You deserve happiniess and I believe time will give it to you. It's yours to claim and if you cut your journey short life is effectively RIPPING YOU OFF!!

I've been where you are and I doubt some idiot like me rambling on would have helped, but I'll tell you what. Time did. You owe it to yourself to give yourself that time and see how things play out.

I'm sorry about everything you've been through. I'm sorry about your brother. I don't want this to sound like emotional blackmail, but I think he'd want more than anything for you to be happy.

DON'T do it, if not for yourself then let me be a bit selfish and ask you to stay alive for me? Just a stranger hoping you're okay?

Pm me anytime xx
   
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