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Nightblood. Offline
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I can't be happy - July 19th 2010, 01:55 AM

I've been so happy the past few days, genuinely happy. But then tonight all the bad feelings I didn't have in those days all hit me at once. Just, all of a sudden all these suicidal and depressed and self harm related feelings hit me like a train. I can't text my best friend, because she's trying to sleep and doesn't feel good. But, I feel pathetic telling her about these feelings. She's had so many more things worse than me, and I should be happy. It makes me feel so horrible and pathetic when I feel like this. I've been starting to hide all these feelings from her, because I rely on her so much. It's gotten to the point that we end up talking about all that stuff every time we're together. Which, at least for a while, was pretty much four days a week at least.

I don't know what to do. I just feel. Worthless. I feel so horrible right now that I don't even wanna cut again. I don't know if it's just because I'm too tired, or if I'm getting better with that. I just want to curl up in a ball and scream. I can't even describe what it feels like, I can't describe the breakdown that's probably going to happen in the next 24 hours.

"We all have battle scars, Finn. Suck it up and build a brace for yours."
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Re: I can't be happy - July 19th 2010, 03:55 AM

This may not work for you, but when I feel helpless, depressed, or alone and can't overcome the negativity, I sometimes let it build to the point where I realize it's irrational -- for example, I know that my best friend loves me, that I'm a good student, that I love music and understand geology, etc. When I start to call these positives into question, I realize that I'm overreacting and that I still have definite things to live for. I then understand that I have cause for happiness despite the past, despite the future.

Rest also seems to help, especially when aided by a little Klonopin to help me relax. I usually feel better in the morning, night is when I ruminate about happiness, reality, sanity, and so on.

I can definitely identify with not wanting to burden your best friend. When I was severely depressed last fall, I wouldn't even call my friend because I felt so shitty and didn't want to talk to him in that state. But if there's something that you really need to talk about, there's really no better person than a close friend.

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You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
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Re: I can't be happy - July 19th 2010, 05:29 AM


We all have our struggles. It just so happens that yours are a bit more severe than others. That's okay; facing such challenges does not display weakness. The fact that you are still here, still fighting, is simply proof that you are a strong individual. You can do this; just believe in yourself. Believe that you are loved and deserve to be loved--all of these things are true.

Build a support system for yourself. Have several contacts, so that when you need support, you have options. I cannot express how helpful it is to confide in multiple loved ones; those that are close to you want nothing more than to support you. Let them. When one friend is struggling, lean on another who has the strength to lend.
There is no shame in asking for help; shame only grows in silence.

Take care.

"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
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