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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Orion Offline
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Rant. - July 20th 2010, 01:20 AM

I am a liar.
Ever since i was 3, its become pretty much my defining characteristic. ask any family member.
why do i do it at all? Im scared. At any given point i held the fear i was going to lose my family and most importantly the love and support of my mother.
I would lie to live up to the expectations i so desperately want to reach, to hear the praise i thought no other results would receive. To create the brief moments of peace, where the family was not yelling about something else i had done wrong and that i could enjoy a real relationship with my mother.

I wasn't good enough for my dad, he chose his new family instead of me. and i don't say that as assumption. I asked for one day a month where it could just be him and I, no step family- Just us. "No, My Family needs me."
I was so afraid of the rejection from my mother that i sacrificed what happiness we could have had.

I lied about everything important. and lying is the greatest sin in my family, in the eyes of my mother. I could have at any point stopped, i could have told the truth no matter how painful it was. I didn't, i chose not to for those stupid small moments of fake peace that i couldn't even enjoy because i was so sick of myself so stressed on the inside that i couldn't tell the truth and have her approve of me.

Now its out there, not even all of the truth. just a small part of it and even that was enough. She has had no problem cutting people and family out of her life and now i can be found in that category.
the one relationship i put the most value in, the one person i hold as my support system cant even stand me anymore.

im sick of myself.
I cant even show her how disgusted of myself i am no matter how much she wants to see that i am suffering over my own mistakes. Its numb because i know its pointless.
No matter how many tears i cry for her its not going to change her feelings towards our relationship.

Last year i tried Suicide. Obviously i did not suceed.
I tried cutting then when i realized i didnt have that ultimate motivation to follow through. Unfortunalty that is among the several reasons behind my current situation.
Because she does not find my feelings as valid she does not understand my actions. And thus mocks them, her life was much more difficult in ways then my own. and i am very grateful for all that she has given me. too bad i never expressed that in the moments it would have been most appropriate.
Now its a matter of letting her take out her anger. I am the source of anger in the home, the reason for her ultimate unhappiness. why she lives where she lives, is married to whom she is and is dealing with the things she is dealing.

How could i make up for all of that?
I am told i should die. Because i have no purpose, no joy comes from my presence. That my life should be made to suffer until i am no longer the families responsibility. that if there was favorites amongst siblings i am the most expendable.

I have no disagreements with the above statements. I have no responses or defenses. I have earned those words.

I was looking to move in the next 3 weeks. and as of today i am without financial means to do so. the weave of problems with being unable to move in that time is uncountable.

And yet through all of this ranting i cant help feel that i am just spewing pity party for myself. I deserve the place that i am at, with the relationship i have grown. I have no one to blame but myself for that.

I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore.
Its too much. Usually when its bad i can deal with it, i have before i can work through it no matter how low i fall again and again. But not all at once. Not with the final blows.
If i saw any other options any way to remedy this i would without hesitation. but even then i know its a temporary fix.

Dying is ultimatly inevitable.
And if it means that i would no longer be causing the pain that i currently cause i would do it. yet i don't love them enough do i? I haven't done it and i don't think i have that final punch.

With suicide i get the messages of "You may think they don't love you but they do don't do it because then they will be sad"
Its been clearly stated By family, by my mother that, that is certainly not the case.

I am a liar. I am sick of myself, of who i am, of my fears that caused me to lose the one thing i was so scared of loosing in the first place.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Rant. - July 20th 2010, 01:52 AM

I'm really sorry to hear you've been through all of this. There's nothing more difficult than being hurt and rejected by the ones who are supposed to love and protect you.

You definitely don't deserve to be hurt like this. I don't know what you lied about, but everyone makes mistakes. I'm certain even your family have made plenty of mistakes before. They should support you, not say things like that to you. Even if you did do anything wrong your family should be the ones to help and encourage you, not abandon you for it. Honestly, lying out of fear of losing a family member just sounds like you love and care about them a lot. It isn't something you should feel too bad about.

You aren't looking for too much self pity either. You're entitled to support and deserve to happy just as much as anyone else. You can rant here as much as you like, sometimes it can really help to get things off your mind. You're a far better person than you give yourself credit for, I'm sorry that people have told you otherwise, but that doesn't make it true. Don't give in, one day someone out there will really appreciate you for who you are, I mean that. Moving in 3 weeks doesn't sound like the worst idea either, maybe breaking free from your family and escaping being talked down on by them would help. Your mother will eventually realize she misses you and things really can get better, giving her time to cool down would help too. And it would remove a lot of stress from your life. And as hard as it may be to believe, don't forget that there's always someone out there who really cares about you.

Whatever happens, don't give up and believe in yourself. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM anytime too. Take care and really hope everything will be ok.

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Re: Rant. - July 20th 2010, 04:05 AM


It was really hard reading this because I could see the pain YOU were in. And, no one deserves to feel so much pain. I could also relate to the things about your family, to an extent. I really really wish you could see that you do not deserve to hurt this way.

When it comes to lying we all do it and from what I can tell you did it so you could keep your mom loving and caring about you and there is nothing wrong with wanting your parents love. Obviously your father doesn't see how much you need him and so you only had your mother. Now, lying to keep a relationship is definitely not the greatest thing to do but in the end it was a mistake and everyone should be forgiven for their mistakes especially when they show as much remorse as you do.

As for your mother being where she is at because of you; that is not true at all. Every single person is responsible for where they end up in life, what choices they make etc. You are not to blame for the choices that your mother has made; choices that might have led her down a different path then she wanted. You were her child and that made you her responsibility. She had the responsibility to love you, care for you and treat you with respect and kindness. She cannot say that because of you she is married to the person she is etc because you did not force her to make those choices, she made those choices.

As for your father; I know what it is like to have a parent choose someone else over you. My own father does that all the time. I too asked him for some time with just us and he can't do it. It hurts like heck to know that he would prefer to spend time with other people instead of me. And I am sure it hurts you a lot to see your father being there for his 'other' family but not being there for you. However, I can promise you that that does not mean that you do not deserve love or that you are worthless. Sometimes our parents cannot be there for us the way we need them to be. Sometimes they neglect us because of something within themselves that prevents them from being who they are SUPPOSED to be. I can't tell you why your father won't be there for you but he will be there for his other children but I can tell you you don't deserve it and in the end he is missing out on the chance to know you and that is the greatest loss a father will ever know. He might not ever admit that he made mistakes, he might not ever tell you that he is saddened by the fact that he never got the chance to know you but I promise you there is a part of him (I don't know how big that part is) that will regret it one day if he doesn't already. And the thing is, if he cannot be there for you then he definitely does not deserve you. I hope that one day you will be able to see that.

Lastly, I am not going to tell you that you shouldn't commit suicide because of your family instead I am going to tell you not to do it for yourself. Be the person that cares for yourself unconditionally. Love yourself the way no one else has because that is what you deserve. Don't kill yourself because you feel that will make your mothers life easier or anyone elses life easier. Keep living because you deserve to have a chance at life. Things may be really bad right now but it can get better. If you love and care for yourself unconditionally with time you will be able to introduce people into your life who can give you the love and support that you need. It all starts with you. Make those small steps for yourself. Realize the good that resides in you and realize the things that you need and deserve and with time you will feel better and with time you will find those people who can give you the love that you have missed out on.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.


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Re: Rant. - July 22nd 2010, 09:12 AM

I'm so tired
i cant sleep at night my head keeps going in circles every word or moment i regret, every stress, every lie.

I cannot express my feelings without the complete knowlege that someone will find out. no such thing as privacy. Cant write on paper cant write on the internet.
My accounts have been seized by someone i thought i could trust.
everything about me exposed to someone i thought i could trust, the person who was supposed to be my support when i could no longer turn to family.
He plays with them all my information all my accounts like toys.
to be used as blackmail in an attempt to guilt or inspire fear.
Telling someone my weaknesses my truths?, i might as well have gotten it over with already.
i should have been able to tell them about these feelings. probably has no idea i have these thoughts. i assured them i didnt when i met them. I wonder what they will think when they see this.

Im so calm its almost confusing.
Is it wrong to imagine ones death but instead be looking at the imaginary faces to watch for greif? I dont think i actually believe there would be much. and even if there is how long would that really last?
its one of my daydreams, a timekiller. diffrent ways of going. accident, purposful
doesnt matter the outcome is the same. i dont really talk to people about that, they definatly would think that was strange lol then again people in general are strange. i sort of appreciate no one notices.

thanks for the responces i got, it helped some the other day

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