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LoveFever Offline
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Nothing left to hold on to - July 24th 2010, 04:10 AM

This is going to sound extremely stupid.
A series of things has brought me to the conclusion that killing myself is my only reasonable option.
First off, I'm incredibly lonely. I have a grand total of one friend. That's it. I haven't been in any kind of romantic relationship in over two years, the closest thing I've had to a boyfriend since then is an online thing with a guy a few states away who I've never met. That also is coming to an end, I'm pretty sure. I spend most of my time by myself. Partially because I like my alone time, but mostly because I don't really have any other choice.
Second, that one friend I have has recently decided that he's in love with me. I am not interested in him whatsoever. I'm terrified of hurting him.
Third, my parents constantly talk shit about each other to me. I've told them repeatedly that it's super inappropriate to drag me into the middle of their messy break up. That and it makes me super uncomfortable.
Fourth, I'm absolutely positive that I don't have much of a future. Best case, I'll live alone and have a job that I hate. I'll never have the things that I want (comfortable job, husband, kids) and I'll probably never be happy. I don't remember ever being happy.
And last, I feel awful about wasting my parents money on therapy and medication. Neither of which is helping in the slightest.

The problem here is, I don't want to die. I do feel like there is still a small chance that things will work out. Maybe I will get a good job and a husband and have a couple kids someday. I just don't know, and that small chance is the only thing I have to hold onto right now. I need more.
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Marguerite Offline
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Re: Nothing left to hold on to - July 24th 2010, 02:55 PM

You know the way you talk makes me think that you are an intelligent, rational young woman. I don't know why you would think you don't have a future in front of you when it's obvious to me that you will.

You talk about not wanting to hurt your friend, but in my mind having the person you love kill themselves trumps rejection. If you don't want to hurt him then how about sticking around for a little while?

You might not care about him that way, that's fine. You should tell him... gently.

That said though, it sounds like he cares about you a lot, and to be cared about like that a lot of people only dream of. That doesn't mean I think you should date him or anything remotely like that. It is something in my mind worth living for though.

You don't want to die. That much is obvious. It would be such a waste if everyone thought 'Hey, life probably isn't going to work out... I'll exit here'.

The future is unknown to everyone. That's why it's the future.

It's not just about luck though. If you want to get a good job for example then work on it. Study, or go to interviews, or do whatever it is you need to do to do what you want to do (tongue twister? ).

You can do and have whatever you want, you just have to take control. Fate is a meaningless thing. We all write our own destiny. I believe in you.
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Nomophobia Offline
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Re: Nothing left to hold on to - July 24th 2010, 06:37 PM

hey, I understand how you feel, I really do but you need to hold on to that chance...however small it may be!
If you want friends, this may sound stupid...but you need to live for that to happen
You can stick around on here and you will make some super friends, I promise you
Just don't give up, please

"Friends are like stars; you don't always see them but you know they are always there"

"It gives me hope. I love you so much. You give me a reason to breathe. Its something for me to not kill myself for" >>> means so much :')

Paramore! <3
Pm me anytime, I like to help!
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