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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BonjourHello Offline
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Exclamation Help please? - July 25th 2010, 12:38 AM

Okay, so I didn't know where this would it because it's a mixture ofthings. I don't know how to start either..
Right, nine months ago I met my boyfriend. We have been through so much together since then and we are thinking of getting engaged soon, I know it's young but we really love each other.
Anyway, in April this year, my mum got diagnosed with cancer (she had breast cancer previously when I was four). Later that month they told us it was terminal and she only had three to six months to live, with an empathis on three as the cancer is agressive and has spread. However, it's nearly four months on. She's doing okay, yeah there's been some moments in which we thought shit she's gonna die, but she
seems pretty well at the minute. She's been in a hospice for about a month now. Anyway, my whole point to this post..
I'm scared. I'm so so scared. I don't know what to do without her, although I feel she's already gone. She has cancer in her brain, lung, bones and hip. A few weeks back I visited the hospice in my prom things so she could see me.. She doesn't even remember it. The cancer in her brain means her memories affected and she has no feelings. So when she saw me in my prom dress, all she said was 'oh, you look okay' it sounded forced and it hurt.
My boyfriends being amazing, he's always here
for me. My dads taking out all the stress on me. My brothers have
each other. I have to be the strong one. I used to be really self destructive, but I stopped all that a while back.. I wish I had that now though. I used to cry none stop, it literally felt like my heart was being torn apart. Now I can't even do that properly. I miss her, I miss how she used to be. Me and my dad were the main carers for her when she was at home, and I had to help her go to the toilet and do things which took awy her dignity. I saw my mum t her worse and it's killing me seeing her now. I'm so scared, I'm scared of how I'll be when she dies. I'm scared of how everyone will cope, how I'll cope managing college, enrichment, a job, driving lessons, family and my boyfriend.
Everyday, I have a constant headache, I can't
breath and I get panic attack type symptoms. I feel so exhausted and tired alo of the time, I have no appitite and when I do eat I throw it back up. I can't sleep, I constantly have nightmares, I'm moody and I feel so alone and scared. I just want to run away, I don't feel happy atall and I don't kno what to do with myself. I'm sooooooooooo scared help? xx
   
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BonjourHello Offline
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Re: Help please? - July 26th 2010, 10:52 PM

Okay, nobody cares. It's okay, I can deal with that.
Thanks :'l
   
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Re: Help please? - July 26th 2010, 11:12 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I'm close to my mom and I don't know what I'd do without her.
You seem to be strong and I feel like you will be able to make it through this. However just cause you're strong doesn't mean that this won't hurt you. Nobody expects you to be perfectly fine with this so don't be scared to show your emotion and talk to someone.
I don't have much advice because I've never been in that situation. But I'm definitely here if you need someone to talk to that will listen. So please PM me if you need anything.
   
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Re: Help please? - July 26th 2010, 11:21 PM

Thank you. But it's okay. Nobody knows what to say, and that scares me most.
   
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Re: Help please? - July 27th 2010, 01:49 AM

I think a lot of people are scared they might say the wrong thing. People care about your feelings and I'm sure they don't want to hurt them.
There's a death and grieving forum on this site and people there might understand what you're going through and can relate and give you advice.
But like I said before you can PM me anytime if you don't find any help there.
   
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Re: Help please? - July 27th 2010, 03:26 AM

The thing isn't that people don't know what to say, it's how to say it. I'm sorry for everything your going through and I know a lot of times it's hard to believe that others care... But they care, without a doubt.. No ONE wants you to hurt! Please don't do anything.. Talk to someone on here if you get feelings that you need to talk about.. It's way better to talk than keep it in..


2nd cor. 5:13
GREAT HOPE COMES FROM FAITH IN GOD!!!!

   
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Re: Help please? - July 27th 2010, 09:23 AM

okay. Thank you.
   
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Re: Help please? - July 27th 2010, 04:36 PM

my mom passed away when I was five. It's been hard, and you will have nightmares, I do. The whole point of it is to grow, and cope. Learn how to move on with life, and it's okay to revisit the past, and shed a few tears. Just remember that your mom no matter if she's gone from earth, she'll always be watching from Heaven. There's a song and Poem that I'm going to share with you. There both beautiful, but it deals with this subject.


Holes in the Floor of Heaven: Steve Wariner(Song)
One day shy of eight years old
Grandma passed away
I was a broken hearted little boy,
blowing out that birthday cake
How I cried when the sky let go
with a cold and lonesome rain
Momma smiled said don't be sad child
Grandma's watchin you today
'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
And sometimes if you're lonely
just remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me
Seasons come and seasons go
nothin' stays the same
I grew up fell in love
met a girl who took my name
Year by year we made a life
in this sleepy little town
I thought we'd grow old together
Lord I sure do miss her now
But there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me
Well my little girl is 23
I walk her down the aisle
it's a shame her mom can't be here now
to see her lovely smile
They throw the rice
I catch her eye
as the rain starts comin' down
she takes my hand says daddy don't be sad 'cause
I know momma's watchin' now
And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me
Watchin' over you and me

If Tommorow Starts Without Me(Poem)
If tomorrow starts without me and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you!
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand; she said my place was ready, in heaven far above and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye for all my life,
I'd always thought I didn't want to die; I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do, it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad; I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while; I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized that this could never be, for emptiness and memories would take the place of me; when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven's Gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne,
He said, "This is Eternity and all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past but here life starts anew. I promise no tomorrow but today will always last; and since each day's the same way there's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true; though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do. But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free; so won't you come and take my hand and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart...

It is hard to live without a mother. You have so many things you wish you could do with her, tell her, share with her, but you can't. I would say spend the most time with your mother that you can, even if she don't remeber, or if she can't feel the urge to care(sorry if that came out wrong)just sit with her and talk to her and tell her things that you want her to know, because if you don't you might regret them after she's gone. Tell her that you love her everyday. Remember that no matter what she will always be with you.

Hope this helped. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about anything.
   
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BonjourHello Offline
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Re: Help please? - July 27th 2010, 11:41 PM

Thank you. But that's the thing, I can't talk to her about all the stuff I've antes to tell her, I can't tell her anything. She doesn't know she's dying, well she does I think, but she's not formally been told because she didn't want to know. So I've got to go there, be happy, ask her about her day and tell her about mine. That's it.
   
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