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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PlayingPretend Offline
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Name: Elliotte
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Tonight. - July 25th 2010, 08:24 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I need help.

There's no one I can talk to about this. It's 01:11 and I don't want to bother anyone with my goddamn problems when lord knows I whinge enough.

I've sent my boyfriend a number of messages on FB, but I have no clue when he's going to check it. I can't call, because I can't afford the cost of an international call, not to mention I most likely wouldn't be able to get a hold of him anyway. I can neither text him nor have him call me because he's currently in an area where he doesn't get a signal. So I'm fucked for what to do.

The reason I'm feeling this way is stupid and not something I'd like to announce on a public forum, not to mention that there's no resolution, in the end of it, and though there are those of you who'll come at me with that "every problem has at least one solution," you're right - but the solution of my particular problem involves moving the fuck on and I don't care to do it. I've lost too many people in rapid succession in a span of time less than six bloody months and I can't handle the grief. It's been a long, long time since I've hurt this badly, to the point I can physically feel my heart breaking in my chest.

And I'm sitting here and I'm thinking up all the ways I could end it, and I know there are people who care, and I know there are people who love me, and I know there are people who would miss me if I were gone, and I know that some people might even fall apart, but I'm selfish enough to want to off it anyway. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to come from posting here. My risk factor (wahey for therapy making me painfully aware of it) is quite high, but there's no chance in hell I'm calling in a hospital. I'd ring a hotline, but the last time I tried, I was treated so rudely and told that they were a suicide hotline and that they needed to make room and time for people with real problems. That nearly sent me over the fucking edge, and I won't do it again.

So I don't know what to do. All I know is that I can't do this.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Tonight. - July 25th 2010, 10:28 AM

I and the most of the posters on here honestly don't mind listening to problems, even ones people would consider small.

I was recently was helping some girl out over PM on how to remove a hangnail. (Sorry I used you as an example! haha)

Feel free to pm, or even text me if you wish. I'm up all night because I work at a lame nightshift job.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Tonight. - July 25th 2010, 10:57 AM

Hi Elliotte!
As Alex mentioned, we really don't mind listening to your problems, that's why we're here!


Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayingPretend View Post

I've lost too many people in rapid succession in a span of time less than six bloody months and I can't handle the grief. It's been a long, long time since I've hurt this badly, to the point I can physically feel my heart breaking in my chest.

And I'm sitting here and I'm thinking up all the ways I could end it, and I know there are people who care, and I know there are people who love me, and I know there are people who would miss me if I were gone, and I know that some people might even fall apart, but I'm selfish enough to want to off it anyway. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to come from posting here.
You mentioned that you can't handle the grief. If you did end it eventually, that's how everybody close to you will feel. They won't be able to handle the grief. You having been in a situation like that, knowing how it feels, would you put another person you care about through that?

I'm not going to tell you every problem comes with a solution or anything like that. On another note, I'm going to tell you that each action a person does is like a pebble falling in a pond of water. A ripple effect is created. Each persons actions affect everyone else in that "pond". You're boyfriend not replying to your messages has affected you. What you can do, is not try to let yourself go down by saying you're going to lose this person. If you do, then, it will take time, trust me, and it will hurt, very very badly when you know for sure you've lost him, but over time, it will slowly start to heal. I really don't know if it'll heal completely, and I'm not saying this because I'm being negative. It's because I can't tell you it'll heal, and find out later that it hasn't. If it heals, you can tell me I'm wrong, but that would make me happy, knowing that it has healed and you are happy again.
You just shouldn't let such things make you want to end everything. There is so much more to life than relationships and guys. Open your eyes to it. You'll be able to handle it. Just tell yourself, no matter what happens, you'll make it through.

I don't really know what else to say. But if you want to talk, please feel free to PM/VM me.
Take care!


~Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel



"And so I grew from colt to stallion
As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
PlayingPretend Offline
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Re: Tonight. - July 25th 2010, 06:19 PM

Thank you both for your responses.

Kaveri (beautiful name btw), thank you for relating the grief I'm feeling to the grief others would feel were I to end it. Though their grief would be much, much stronger, the comparison really shocked me back into thinking straight. Also the fact you used the ripple effet comparison... brought me back to when my BFFL chose to use the same comparison. So thank you for all of that.

And I definitely realise there's more to life than relationships and guys. Boyfriend ended up calling me this morning and I woke up to responses to each of the FB messages I'd sent. But sleeping ended up helping a bit, despite the dreams I had, and though I've woken up this morning still in a mood, I don't feel my risk factor is as high. The grief is still there, though, and I'm optimistic; it might last a while, but I do believe that there will come a time when it no longer hurts, or at least not this badly. It's just difficult when you lose so many people in five months, yanno? Especially people that were as close to you as mine were to me.

But I have my three rats (with a possibility of a fourth!), my cat (my soulmate, through and through), my mother and sister (who I generally am able to talk to about these feelings - at least my sister - but they were both asleep ) and a very loving, respectful boyfriend. And I have a trip to Europe and my second year of university after to look forward to, so thank you for reminding me of those things too.

I love TH, it helps so much. <3
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Spirit. Offline
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Re: Tonight. - August 1st 2010, 06:08 AM

Hey again!
Sorry for the late reply!

Thank you very much! I used to hate my name, because it was so different from everybody! :P
I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better!! And glad that I helped you too! And that things seem to be falling into place!

Yup, it is incredibly upsetting to lose people very close to you. Very upsetting. But, I guess, that's when we learn to pick ourselves back up right? (;

Haha, yeah, I find TH incredibly helpful too!

It's was really really nice to meet you, Elliotte!
I'll see you sometime around, soon, yeah?

Much love!
Take care!


~Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel



"And so I grew from colt to stallion
As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




HelpLINK Mentor - 2.4.2011
LiveHelp Operator - 18.6.2011

  Send a message via MSN to Spirit. Send a message via Skype™ to Spirit. 
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Tonight. - August 2nd 2010, 05:18 AM

call me any time its 1:17 ill be awake a while longer if im noot feel free to wake me up id love it if u called me [Edited]

Last edited by eunoia; August 2nd 2010 at 05:58 AM. Reason: It is unsafe to post your phone number on the Internet.
   
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