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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Twinge Offline
Forever we'll just lay here
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i can't believe these words are going from my mouth - July 26th 2010, 10:04 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

(the subjct is like that cause i used to think more optimism,now its the opposite)dunno if its triggering or if it fits in this kind of forum or if i'll get response...i just want to let it out already...its just aching deep inside.

my life is completely going towards hell right now. always,i felt positive about things,like theres always hope and...these goals i can accomplish,then it got kind of shattered.

today,i felt like i met thing called REALITY. i got yelled at cause i'll knit and design clothes in a school i don't belong in. like i'm smarter than that. now i think i wont EVER get a job or live a dream i planned. i wanted to be a travel agent though its been backfired,i couldn't get in.

secondly,my mom was yelling at me cause of that. i wondered why i didn't cry...it all depends on school. my perfect cousin is soo much better than me. i heard that i should be more like her. better let me die then! i have NO contact with ANYONE cause i'm scared of talking to people through the phone. no friends at all. just chat sites i go on. they don't help me. i hate committing(to anyone in real life),even afraid to hug my mom cause all she does after,is relying to me. i cant do it! i got problems of my own. but i dont blame 'em much,i blame myself too. i try helping people but my mind just goes blank. the only thing i could do thats worth of living,is gone right now.

i know,all of us feel like this once in a while, i, though,think that i have a problem here. maybe i need a doctor... but my mom won't let me see one. all i want to do is be alone and live in my own fantastic life,in my mind. nothing else helps me. i might as well NOT eat,drink or study,whatever,no one understands that i can't control myself.

i think i'm bipolar, still it doesn't matter. this is a VERY deep depression state i'm in... i wish i was all hippie and happy like other kids playing and wasting their time on games. AT LEAST THEY'RE HAPPY AND NORMAL! but me? nada... i hate my life. maybe what i'm writing doesn't matter either,i think i write crap,it does make me feel better about myself... i mean,i don't read genius books. that makes my language poor,no one would listen to me about it. guess i'm too lazy to live too.

if i keep it at this rate,i'll end up in a crappy life,no people that like me for who i am,everyone avoiding me and maybe no good or no job at all. even my dad might not like me cause i'm seeming more weird than ever. i used to love my uncle but it changed too, its all my fault. i can't cut myself cause i'm too much afraid of blood. i wish i could cause it makes you feel kind of better. at least thats what i hear. i scratch though.

i hate these moments...sometimes i'm repeating all over and over again "please GOD take me now!"
and you think its still funny? some do,and its not. i just hate it... i cant think positive cause nothing good happened to me,i'm just too weak to go on,and ... weak to fight....


I moved back while
my head was turned.

Upside down
closer to the end.

Afraid of the dark
within future times.

I'm drowning there,
my final chase.
   
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Nyoro~n Offline
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Re: i can't believe these words are going from my mouth - July 26th 2010, 10:50 PM

i dont understand how someone would be able to yell at you for knitting & designing clothes for a school you don't "belong in". its truly... idiotic on that persons end that they would do such a thing. and its a damn shame that a human being would do that.

just cause you couldnt get in a traveling agency right now doesnt mean anything for the future. hell. a year from now could be completely different then this now. plus at your age, you have plenty of time to take additional classes to help strive for your goal. to shove it in everyone's face that ever doubted you that you did it in the long run.

when it comes to your mother. well what i would do is to keep striving forward to prove her wrong. show her that you dont have to follow the example of your "perfect cousin". you could list off what your mother has said in a notebook or on a giant dry eraser board and take it as a list of things you want to prove wrong.

but not eating, drinking and not studying would be the exact opposite to do.

when it comes to others, if they dont accept you for who you are.. they truly arent worth a damn. changing yourself to become acceptable in others eyes wont make you who you are needing to be. being yourself is the best. you'll get a successful job & make plenty of friends.

sometimes when i feel like im too weak to continue or to try anything. i do stuff i love to do.

rather its writing (which from reading your post its quite good and sounds truly intelligent *though filled with sadness* )

or listening to music that uplifts me

or even thinking about the joy that comes to disproving the people that doubt you.

in the end mate. all you can do is keep marching forward
   
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