The man with a million acquaintances

[Ghost On The Highway]

I like playing the blame game, if only because it reassures me that the world could be different. But when it really counts, I just can't tell who's at fault. I purposefully broke ties with most of my high school friends, and I can't say I regret it. Now though, it seems like everyone I meet is giving up on me at a certain point. We can talk, play sports, drink together, etc. but that's it. When the night's over, I cease to exist in their minds. They never call, rarely respond, and just generally pretend that I'm invisible. The friends I left at my old school have never even tried to reunite, and seem cold and distant when I bring up the subject.

And maybe it's my problem. Perhaps it's just that I'm so afraid of rejection that I can't open up to others. Maybe they feel that my shell is impenetrable; they try to reach me, then give up. But how am I to tell? How am I to change?

And now it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've given up. I've lost all confidence in myself, and all trust I once had in my friends. I have no interest in meeting another god damn soul, because I know it'll just develop into a Friday-night friendship. So I'm cold, I'm callous, and the wall is thicker than ever.

Somehow, I have to start again. Again.

[yoshi'stheshiznit.]

hey james.

I understand that the mistakes you have made is partially because of your lack of self-confidence ( you probably think that the people you meet are gonna reject you ) but i dont think so. If you do your best to be someone's friend and basically just be yourself (just raise you self-confidence a little ) then stuff will start looking better. just remember that everyone has setbacks once in a while, and that there's stuff that's gonna be bad once in a while. But after all the suffering, everyone deserves a slice of the cake. (NOOOOO the cake is not a lie. )

so just remember, you have to go out there and meet mroe new people again.. because there's a potential that some of them can melt your cold barrier.. and trust me.. there's people that hot out there. i'm confident of it.

Dont lose hope, and dont have doubts in yourself.. i know its tough, but we'll always be there to pick you right back up. have faith!

[katniss]

I can honestly say that I could have written exactly what you wrote. I have the same problem... I hate not having close friends, but I don't LET people get close, so I can't really complain. I have trouble making friends my own age, a lot of times, because I feel like their priorities are not in the right places, and I just don't get along well with people. I have a few 'friends' who I hang out with sometimes, but I would not say I am close to them, we don't talk and open up with each other.
I can't try to give you advice on how to change, but I can tell you that you aren't alone. Maybe the problem is that the people you're meant to find, to be good friends with, are walking around with the same kind of shells on, and no one can understand it.
Anyway, if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me. Maybe we can figure it out together?
I do want you to remember that there is no reason for people to reject you, and you have to give them a chance to really know you.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey James,

I was the same way as you at one point. I never let people in at all and it did prevent me from making friends. I really hated it but I held myself back from fear of being hurt. Slowly I came to the realization that I did not and could not live that way any more and I slowly let people in.

Of course it took a long time and I still have not fully disclosed myself to the people in my life but it is a process. I started with one person and slowly was able to open up to more and more people. All it takes is opening up to one person who will support you and understand you. Once you do that you might start to realize that you can open up to more people and you might be less afraid of getting hurt.

I know for me the moment I opened up to one of my friends and he accepted me was the moment I realized I could open up to others. I realized that while trusting people is the hardest thing to do running away from trust and people is worse. When you do not allow people into your life you are preventing yourself from being hurt but at the same time you are preventing yourself from experiencing the love and understanding that another individual can bring to your life. And at the same time by closing yourself off from trust in the hopes of not getting hurt you are bringing on a different kind of hurt.

It takes time to let go of the fears you have about trusting people but with time you can. You just have to take the first step and reach out to someone. It can be hard and you might get hurt but what if you don't? What if you open up and are embraced by that person? It will feel wonderful.

Life is about taking chances; sometimes the chances you take bring you joy and sometime they bring you hurt but if you never take chances you cannot grow. Growing is a part of life. With every disappoinment we face we learn more about ourselves and are able to grow and move on. Take chances and let yourself grow.

I hope this helped and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna