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im so stupid >< - August 3rd 2010, 12:53 AM

i feel really really down right now.
a song i just listened to triggered it off.
i miss my friends, the ones i used to have before guys got involved and ruined everything.
i miss the life i used to live, i was so happy and carefree even though my parents were always arguing and the police were being called constantly.
i was still a happy person and i was hardly ever upset.
i never used to feel like this and i miss that.
i really wish i could change everything back to the way it used to be back to the year when i started self harm and back to before we knew those guys.
i looked back at old photos and i looked so happy and full of life and then when i look at recent photos i look drained of life completly.
im so stupid for letting that guy back into my life after two years .
i fell for him instantly just like the first time we met and now i feel like everthing that happened two years ago is happening again.
he broke my heart and then i went down hill from then on,
thats why i began self harm. the same thing has happened again my heart is broken, even though both times i wanted it to end because he was just a complete prick.
i cant even sleep at night anymore because all i can think about is the past and how i wish i could return to it.
i know its impossible for me to travel back in time but i just wish i could fix things and make them the same.
i thought by breaking up with that guy would make me feel better because i wouldnt have to listen to his nasty comments about my friends and id gain an old friend back.she didnt speak to me because i was going out with that guy and she dispised him because of what he did to us in the past, but none of that happened. my friend still hasnt spoken one word to me and im heart broken over that guy.
and to top it all off my parents are worse than ever there arguing more than they ever have.
i just want to get away from it all for a few days , just to clear my mind but theres nowhere i can go. all my family have there own problems and there houses are too noisy and none of my friends would let me stay for a few days . i just need to be alone otherwise im going to lose control and do something stupid.i dont want to die, i want to fix things but right now they seem so impossible to fix that i just feel like its the only way out.the easiest way out.
i just need help,whats everyone else done to clear there mind and sort themselves out?
any advice???

   
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Re: im so stupid >< - August 3rd 2010, 01:02 AM

When I get upset like that (and I do, all the time), I try to just take some deep breaths. Think about what you have going on in your life now, and think toward the future. Maybe go outside, where it's peaceful (if that's an option for you), and just be calm for a bit. Or read a really great book and let yourself get lost in it for a few hours, or watch a movie you love. Those are some things I do. Or you could call up one of your old friends and catch up with them, that would make you feel better probably. I know it's difficult when friends drift away, but maybe they're feeling the same, and they are missing you as well.
I hope some of this helped, if you need anything or want to talk, feel free to PM me.
<3
   
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Re: im so stupid >< - August 3rd 2010, 01:16 AM

Hey,

I am sorry you are struggling with so much at the moment but please do not give up because in time it will improve.

I think it is good that you got rid of tht guy. I am sure it is a hard step to take and I know it sucks that the pain that has come from that relationship has not just died away but it will with time. I have come to the realization that even when we end a relationship to better our lives and to STOP the pain that does not mean that the pain is going to go away right away. We must still go through the process of grieving in order to get to the other side and heal.

As for your friend; have you sat down and talked to her about what is going on in life? Asked to be friends again? Explained your motives behind going back to that guy? Your friend was probably really hurt by your decision to get with the guy that you did and because of that she might be angry and sad. If you can talk to her and express the reasons behind your choice maybe she will be able to better understand it and eventually come back to the friendship.

However, if she does not listen and will not let the friendship be mended then it is time to move on. I know that that can be really tough thing to do but sometimes we have to know when it is time to move on from a relationship. There are going to be other friends out there for you but if you tie yourself to the pain of losing this friendship it will be harder for you to find those other friends. And, believe me there are other people out there who can help you and support you and just be your friend.

As for your parents do you think you could talk to them about how their arguing is effecting you? And also talk to them about the way you are feeling in general? If you parents knew how much you were struggling maybe they would try their hardest to help you. The arguing might not stop completely but maybe they will try to do it less when you are around or in a more secluded environment.

Parents argue and they do not always understand the impact it has on their children but if you sit down and talk to them about it maybe they can better understand that and do what they can to fix it.

Are you in therapy? If not do you think you could look into going? I know it will be a hard step to take but therapy will give someone for you to vent all your feelings too and someone who can, hopefully, help you cope with all that is going on in your life. I know that therapy has helped me immensely in life. It gives me someone to talk to when I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and I know that my therapist really does care about me and my well-being and that helps too. Maybe that is something you could look into?

As for the self harm; have you looked at the alternatives? I know that they can help with the urges. I think you should look at the list of alternatives and work on working those into your life. It might take a while for them to really work but with time you might notice the change. You might start to notice that instead of turning to self harm all the time you turn to some of the alternatives on the list.

Here is the link:

http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/

Best of luck and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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