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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 7th 2010, 05:09 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm going to be honest with each and every one of you, because I refuse to lie...I am in the process of writing a suicide letter.

Yeah, go ahead and say I'm selfish, that I'm only thinking of myself, and Oh! What about my poor family!! Blah, blah, blah...
Thing is, I don't care anymore. If my attempt is a success and my family is in pain, so what? When I was in pain, who the fuck kind of person from my family helped me? Nobody, of course. That's the way it always has been and always will be...until I'm gone, that is. People will finally realise the pain I went through. Is that so much to ask?! For people to just fucking REALIZE it instead of "Oh, honey, I know how you feel, things will get better". No, things won't get better at all. Never have. Never will. So PLEASE, whatever you do, if you really want to convince me out of doing this, PLEASE don't give me that crap because it will only make things worse.

All my life I have been treated no better than any pile of shit ever was -people literally have turned their noses up at me in disgust. I would call a suicide hotline but I have no phone because my family is fucking dirt poor shit. I'm lucky that I even get to type this, that's how fucking deep in poverty we are. So if you want to convince me out of this, you need to do it fast because my suicide letter is almost finished.

Ugh, what the hell am I doing...I have nothing to live for (don't say my family and friends because my family is shit and friends-I don't have any) however I want to live. But I can't stand this pain, I'm only 13 so everyone just thinks this is some teenage angst thing and they feel that gives them the right to blow me off. But they are clueless...no wonder so many teens are commiting suicide now! NOBODY LISTENS! NOBODY CARES! All people think about it is that it is teen hormones or some stupid shit like that...but are they blind?! Can't they see it? The vicious circle?!?! I beleive that I will someday be only dust, that someday soon the only thing people will be able to remember my face by is my obituary in the newspaper. I know that someday it will be, because I can't live like this anymore.

God, please kill me because I'm much to tired (of life) to do it myself.


8262010
The Day I First Cut Myself...
   
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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 7th 2010, 06:45 AM

Hey April.

I'm hoping that you haven't done anything to yourself and that you will be able to get back on and read this. I know you said to not tell you "things will get better" or anything like that. I NEVER say things will get better, because I don't want to end up a liar. So I'm not going to tell you that. But I will tell you that things CAN get better. Sure, you may think that's the same thing, but it's not.

Look... You've probably heard it before, but I do seriously know what you're going through. I've been there a few times. When things seem so bad that suicide seems like the only logical way out. It just makes sense sometimes, but honestly, it's a terrible idea. Sometimes things seem like they're never going to get better, like nothing will ever change. But I eventually things will change. That's enevitable. So I can say with full confidence that things won't always be like this. Life constantly changes and it won't be this way forever.

You will find people who care about you, even if it's not your family. I don't even know you and I truly and genuinely care about you. I wouldn't have bothered to reply if I didn't. And right now I'm trying my best to pour my heart and soul into every word I'm saying in hopes that you'll realize someone does really care about you. I'm sorry that you've had so much pain in your life and I wish I could help with that. I honestly do. But the best I can do is to be here if you need to talk and to ask you to just keep holding on.

You're 13 years old. Life has barely begun. All you've known so far is the worst of life, but trust me, there's so much else to it. Better things. As you get older you'll get opportunity to experience what I'm talking about. I'd hate for you to miss out on those things. Personally, I planned on killing myself a few years ago. By some miracle something changed my mind, made me wait. And I'm so glad I didn't do it. Some amazing things have happened since then and I hate to think of what I would have missed if I'd checked out early. So please, you need to give life a chance. Let it start. You'll learn that things can change, things can get better, and when you're older you'll be able to make those changes happen faster and better.

You said no one listens. Well, I'm listening. I'm hearing every word you say and I'm here to listen. I'm here to care about you and to help you through this. I may just seem like another person saying things you don't want to hear, but I mean every word. And you may think you're just another person so how could I really mean it. I'm not sure I can make you believe it, but I do care, April. So please, don't hurt yourself. You don't want to die. Death won't make anyone realize anything. Death isn't a way to fix anything. Staying around and working to make people realize and to see you for who you are will work. And those who don't care, aren't worth it. You're an amazing person and the world still needs you. There's lots of people who are just waiting to meet you and to care about you. And I sincerely hope that you choose to stick around, wait, and meet those people. So think about everything I've told you, and I hope you'll decide to give life a chance.

Please take care of yourself. If you ever need to talk, I'll be around.

-Hold On-
Sam


-Let the Music Play-
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"The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no further."
   
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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 7th 2010, 11:24 PM

Hi

No, I haven't done anything to myself and I am still very much alive, although I truthfully do not wish to be at the moment. It is good to finally see someone who does not say everything will be okay and just go on about that. Yes, things COULD get better...but they haven't for thirteen years now. So I do have my doubts...and I truly do hope that things will get better soon because I am at the end of my rope. If things get any worse I may just have to finish what I've started because I do not know how else I could possibly get rid of my pain. I've waited long enough for things to brighten up. I wish I could just command for everything to be right and watch it happen before my eyes. But I can't, nobody can.

I am also shocked to hear that you care about me, especially since you hardley even know me and you have never seen me in person. Not many people have ever shown such deep concern for my well being. My family never has, so this really does come as a shock...I really do not know what to say. By what I've read, you must care alot, and I don't recall ever meeting a person who has cared so much about me except for a small few who I don't see very often anymore.

You say that life has just begun for me...
From what I've experienced so far, my life looks as if it will be filled with pain, but if I could just get away and be on my own, everything would be alright. I would no longer have to sit in my room while I listen to my parents yell at eachother about what they should do with me, I would no longer have to be yelled at by my mother for no reason except for the fact that she must take her anger out on me, for if she takes it out on my dad she will be beaten. That's five years from now. Five years until I can be free. Five more years of enduring night after miserable night of being yelled at and having to isolate myself in my room. Honest to God, I do not think I would be able to make it through five more years. I could barely make it through the last few nights, as you can obviously see. Compared to that, five years seems like an eternity. Hell, it probably is when you have to go through what I do virtually every night, all night, 24/7 except for the occaisional sober day where both of my parents ignore my pleas for help. I could tell them both straight-up how I feel and they would still ignore me. I could tell them about the suicide note right now and they would just shrug their shoulders and mutter something uncomprehendable. They don't care, and they let me know it.

I don't know...I need some therapy,anti-depressants, something...


8262010
The Day I First Cut Myself...
   
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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 8th 2010, 01:01 AM

I know how you feal trust me on that one.. Life sux and ive been to that position soo many times..

I can honestly say though life gets better at 18.. not much difference between now and then though.. I like the fact I tell mom and dad im leaving and going out cause im 18 and i am a responsible adult lol..

I know how It Is to be poor, last year we lived in a full-size van for 5 months nearly, then out of the blue my mom and dad both got jobs, soon after that I did as well..
stroke of luck there I say.

I sent you a PM so be sure to read It.Im not here to talk you out of anything, just here so maybe we can both talk I see alot In common..


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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 8th 2010, 01:03 AM

Thank you


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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 9th 2010, 10:37 PM

Hi April,
I'm sending you loads of cyber hugs right now!

I believe that the only way we can survive is to live at war with ourselves. We have to keep fighting. No matter how much you hurt inside, you have to keep going? Do you understand? You can't give up! Because when no-one else is there for us and we finally give in, who is there to fight our battles? Who is there to pick us up when we fall?
You have to drag yourself up April, stand tall and keep going, because you are going to get through this. Whether it takes, weeks or years, you will make it.
I believe that Life is jusr some twisted game. It swallows some of us whole and I agree, it's not fair.
But you have to keep fighting...
Feel free to PM or VM me!
Keep strong xxx




   
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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 13th 2010, 10:04 AM

Hey Darl,

I know I'am a little late in replying to your message and I apoligize for that. I know exactly how you feel. I've written many suicide notes and tried to take my life many times. The problem is I always get found.

There is one differnce between you and me and that is that my family cares and loves me. That tells me that it doesn't matter whether you have family and friends that care. It matters if you care about yourself.

I've come to learn over many years that things don't just change, YOU have to change them.

No-one can make it better for you except you, and if you don't think things will change they wont. If you are so positive that dying is the only way. You will end up taking your life.

I know that what I'm saying is coming across as nasty. But I'am saying this with tears in my eyes. As you are so much like me. You are stuck in this massive deep hole and it doesn't seem like there is a way out. I'am telling you now the only way out is to dig. Because you can't call for help.

I'am really hoping that you are okay, and you dont just end up as another suicide statistic. If you ever need me my email is x_beautifullybroken_x@live.com.au.


Take Care
Lu xx

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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 13th 2010, 07:59 PM

I know (from experience) that it's hard to believe that things will ever get better. And it is hard to feel like you have a whole bright beautiful future ahead of you when so far your life has been sad and not hopeful. It seems like you have to grow up so quickly and that you are too damaged for your future to ever be bright.

I remember that. I never wrote a suicide note; but at 13, I wanted to. God was the only reason that I didn't, because I didn't think that He wanted me to. But I did pray to die since I didn't want to do it myself. I shouldn't have, but I did. Now, I am almost 17 and with God's help, the depression is COMPLETELY gone and I am living for God and have a great future ahead. I'm not promising you that it will happen so quickly, because everyone is different and has a different story and different challanges that they face at different times....But I can promise that if you fight through this, you CAN get over this and have a future that will be amazing. Whatever situation that you are facing right now (or maybe it's just feelings and not even for any reason), it is temporary. I know you can't see how it will ever get better, but it truly will. Some day you will look back on this time and be SO thankful for how far you have come. The worse that things are now, the better it will be when you overcome it. Every set back is a set up for a come back (I didn't come up with that, it's from a book. lol But it's so true). I understand what you are going through, I was there not all that long ago.

I care. So please don't give up. And send me a message whenever you need/want to talk.
   
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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 15th 2010, 04:35 AM

Hey April,

I know it seems like everything is shit but you have to hang in there. Just take things one day at a time. If you don't want to live for your family and friends, live for yourself. You may be in a bad situation right now but one day, you will be able to step out of that situation and create your life the way you want it to be. You just need to keep holding on. The days seem so long when you hate them so much but try and find something to keep you going. The busier you keep, the less you'll notice them passing and the closer you'll get to your future, or to the thing that may come around the corner for you to make your life amazing.

I care about you. I care if you live or die. I don't think anybody should have to kill themself. If you want a friend, I'm here, so PM me anytime. When I was your age, I had barely any friends around me but I got through by making a whole bunch of friends online from all around the world. Be careful with this one, because we all know the internet horror stories, but remember that just because it may seem like there are people right next to you who don't care, there are people around the world who do.


Ever mind the Rule of Three: Three times what thou givest returns to thee: This lesson well, thou must learn: Thee only gets what thou dost earn.
   
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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 15th 2010, 09:54 AM

Hey, April
--thanks soo much for comming to us, before doing something that you'll regret. I know how it feels to have the world behind you. How it seems no one on earth gives a rip about you. But there always is someone that cares about you, thats how god made it. If you can't find anyone in your family, know that everyone hear at teenhelp really does care about you. Dont do anything that you'll regret

I know many people don't like saying life gets better, but i really believe that life REALLY does get better for people that want it too.

I was also very suicidal my self, i was about 95% ready to complete and carry out my attempt. But the only thing that kept me, was the thought of the pain i would cause my brother and my mother and also all my friends. I know how you said it seems like your family doesnt care and by killing your self, they can see the light. But just try think about us. We really care about you. If you were kill your self and not be able to read our replies, it would hurt all of us. Just try your best to live through this night. and if your able to read this. I really hope i helped and please please PM me if at all you feel like killing your self. I promise i will do what ever in my power to help you.

We care about you!!!!


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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 17th 2010, 12:57 PM

hey april:]

i know this is gonna sound like crap... but ive been there... when every time people said nice little things to me so i can cheer up... i would say bull shit silently in my mind and say thanks for being there for meand smile so they wont annoy me any more. and my family is poor to. i have no phone and luckily i have an internet like you.i have no pocket money my parents doesnt care about me.

but living my life being afraid to die and never ending my life... life really did get better... really... i used to have no friend. and i'll cut myself. but now i laugh and have friends at school. even my friends said i am doing much better. but still life still sucks now and than when i know my parents are having problem financially... but SERIOUSLY I AM NOT JOKING life do get better. one day... you will look back at those troubles and smile at yourself. really... i my self also wrote a suicide letter once... seeing myself jump off the building cutting myself... sleeping pills... really... but than as crazy as it sounds... i did care about my parents being sad... i hate my mom truly... but still i dont want her sad...

for me how i got better was... i was already at my limit and wanted to die. i cut myself everytime the scars went away. than i met this girl... a friend of mine. she made me smile alot... and laugh alot. and i started to open up to people. and started to make friends. you wont believe how much i changed. i still do SH but not as often as before. i still feel sad but not as much as before. im living proof that life do get better if you smile and open up... and sometimes i laugh so hard my face hurts. you just gotta see that. this feeling wont go away untill you open up to people... and talk to them...

of you need someone to talk to pm me:] i'll be there... gonna be online regularly now:]

and hey:] as hard to believe as it is... there are people who do care about you... i didnt believe it at all at first... but gradually you'll see its true.


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Re: What Is Wrong With Me, I'm Writing A Fucking Suicide Letter... - August 18th 2010, 03:49 AM

Hey Hon,

I just want to tell you that, really, I've been there. Hell, I'm STILL there. First it started off as simple sadness, sadness turned into depression, and depression turned into wanting to kill myself because I didn't feel like anybody was getting it. I know what it's like to feel that absolutely no one is listening to you. They may be hearing you, alright, but they're not really LISTENING to you. I want to tell you that it gets better. That there's a light at the end of what seems to be a long dark tunnel, and it does get better. The thing is, I have yet to see that light. Everyday it feels like that light is getting easier and easier to see, and if you just hang on a little while longer, you'll begin to see it too. I promise. Junior high and high school years are seriously the most hellish, God awful years I've ever been through. It seems like everyone is out to get you, when, in fact, half of the problem isn't them, but it's you. I'm slowly learning that even a better outlook on how you see things in your day to day life will help you feel better. But I didn't realize this until I asked for help. Never be afraid to ask for help honey.




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