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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
sreetof17 Offline
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Name: charles whitfield
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Join Date: July 17th 2010

how i really feel-never told anyone - August 8th 2010, 12:33 PM

I think itís time to get this off of my chest. Since the eighth grade at the tender age of thirteen while attending middle school I was the victim of bullies. They verbally tortured me and made me feel inferior to the world. The torment consisted of daily barrages of words. Words having no true physical ability to attack me yet destroyed me internally. Iíve always been shy and quiet but with the verbal abuse it got worse. They made me feel like I just shouldnít have existed. At that point a decision came into my head, whether I should kill them or not. Obviously I chose not to do it but the mere fact that a thirteen year old boy mulled over buying a gun and shooting to kill around five boys of the same age is still horrendous. After the summer of eighth grade they disappeared out of my life-problem solved? Only the external bullies were gone but the worst offender of all was still around, still in my head convincing me that I was worthless and not deserving of love. Still telling me that my work was inadequate and any girl that I had a crush on would love to just tell me how much of a reject I was. Fear and sorrow have taken over. Sometimes I just sit in my room replaying trivial ďbadĒ things that have occurred in my life just to have something to be sad about. Iíve cried myself to sleep after hours of thinking about how empty my life was. I feel as if these ďepisodesĒ are getting worse and worse by the day. Every day I keep this monster locked up on domestic soil is nothing but another chance for it to break out of its loosely chained cell and wreak havoc upon me. I fear talking about this ďsituationĒ because I donít know what would happen if I told anyone about it. Would my family and friends tell me to suck it up and be a man or would they overly obsess and begin to treat me as damaged goods? I know I should tell someone, frankly anyone, but my confidence in myself and others is not what it used to be. I feel I should apologize to the girls and the inner me that as of yet has not given up the fight to protect its homeland like a colonial militia. I do believe that Iíve time and time again came close to finding something close to true love or at least affection but stopped just short of reaching ďthe next stepĒ because of cowardice, self-pity, and fear of being hurt by someone who has never previously showed any signs of wanting to hurt me. I end this letter by saying if youíre reading this then either you werenít suppose to or I finally gave in to the good, finally accepted that I needed outside help, finally chose to live not wanting to die. Thank you for your patience and please understand that I am just a shell of a person, inside Iím decaying at an irregular pace. I donít know what tomorrow brings, I donít know if Iíll ever get better. Take this as a silent plea for help. I need help yet refuse to ask for it, so if youíre in a position to help, which if youíre reading this then you are, please do something. I donít wear my heart on my sleeve; I lie or just donít talk at all to cover up how I truly feel , so dig deep and accept that even if I donít show it at first I truly appreciate you reading this and even considering helping me out. The date is July 20, 2010, 2:28 A.M.
yahoo horoscope told me this-Tell the world how you feel -- they need to see that you've got some serious emotional issues, even if they can't really help out just yet. Write a blog post, talk to a good friend or sit your family down.
   
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~*Rach*~ Offline
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Re: how i really feel-never told anyone - August 8th 2010, 12:43 PM

Hey,
im Rachel,
Great job on reaching out to us!! I got bullied too!!
The first step to getting better is knowing you need help....trust me!!
I dont really know what to tell you...Just that it does get better! Reaching out is so important trust me...
Does your family or friends know how hard your early teen years were??
If not could you tell them?
Or could you call a help line? Or talk to a close friend??
I really am proud of you for reaching out!
PM me any time
Smile and well done!!!!
Love
rach


Smile!!
You are gorgous! Always remember that
Feel Free to PM me any time.
"The fear of fighting is a fighting fear"
   
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katniss Offline
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Name: Sarah
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Re: how i really feel-never told anyone - August 8th 2010, 06:26 PM

Hey there. I'm so sorry things were so bad for you in school, I completely understand. There were girls who made my life HELL. I hated them.. I guess I sort of still do.
I know what it's like to be made to feel worthless - but I want you to know that you are NOT worthless. Even if you don't have people in your life right now, someday you will, and they will not know what they would do without you.
Your life is worth living, and you are worth loving.
Have you considered talking to a therapist? I know it can be a difficult decision to make, but in the long run it can help so much. Getting a third party person to be able to talk to, who's not in your family or close to the situation can help, and they can really help you begin to deal with everything.
If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. Getting all of that off your chest is the first step to feeling better.
I hope this helped - even just a little bit.
   
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