I cannot fight any longer.... -
August 9th 2010, 06:48 PM
I am tired, I've fought almost my entire life against suicide... Through almost all of my school life and even now... The economy chipped away at my family's life, their happiness, our home, and has even taken a few loved ones from me... One of my closest friends and my grandmother....
Despite this, my fiancee of 6 months, girlfriend of 5 years has left me... Cheated on me, humiliated me in every way possible, broke my trust both physically and otherwise.... She lied to me and about me behind my back without realizing I was aware of her online journal entries... I ended up having to kick her out, my love / trust in her which were once so great began to wane before this other guy.
I just want my life back, my family's happiness, my fiancee's love... Toward the end she lived with me to get to work easier, that's how she met the guy she is currently with not even a day after leaving me... It's been almost 3 weeks, my pain is unbearable. I think of suicide constantly, I think why live, I ask myself why continue to struggle onward, why because I've had these thoughts through most of my life... They only went away when she was here even if we did fight quite a bit... But these past 6 months we were really moving in the right direction... I loved her so much =(.
During the past 2 months though, I was unable to give her attention... I told her that before she even moved in. I had just graduated college but I had to work 2 jobs for awhile and my family was at war with one another due to the stress of this economy... Something she heard / saw everyday. Yet still she argued with me, yelled at me for playing games before bed as opposed to talking to her... I just needed to escape, I told her that and she said she understood...
Soon though, I noticed her distancing herself... I began to get worried so I checked her facebook which she always kept open while away... I found a message ~ She intended to cheat on me with her co-worker when he returned from being away. I confronted her, at first I was going to throw her out but I let her stay, I tried to fix it.... It only made things worse...
With my trust in her broken, with my life falling apart around me... I only ever fought with her. Things just got worse and worse, I simply wanted to love her but that became impossible with the lies she began to tell about how terrible a person I was =(. She has enough evidence to convince people I am not a nice person if she simply pointed out to the times I broke up with her, but she resorted to lying...
Everyday I think about her now, her new tongue piercing she got for him, the "amazing sex" they have, how much I miss her, how much I loved her, how I have nothing left to support me in life now... I know I have my family / friends but my friends are rarely around anymore and my family has their own issues to deal with.... Quite frankly, the only reason I don't kill myself is my family... They couldn't take the hit now =(.
I grow tired... These thoughts are ones that I had through childhood and most of my teens years, I owed my life to her for banishing them but now they're back with a vengeance.... Everyday the pain grows larger... I try to shut it out, I even hung out with a friend who lived far away to get my mind off it but it didn't work... Things are just as bad as ever.
I wish she knew I was sorry for not being able to give her that attention she wanted during that time I was losing her, that I love her when she thought I did not, that she would come home and just hug me once more...
I cannot escape from her in my mind... We did everything together and shared everything. No matter what I do, where I look, or where I hide she is there.... The only place I can go to, to even remotely get away is my grandmother's grave.... But that can only help so much.
My pain out weighs my will to live. I miss her, I want her to realize that I do... Even if it costs my life... Anything to end this pain and to send that message... Anything.... .
I miss and love you Sarah... I am sorry, so sorry ...
Re: I cannot fight any longer.... -
August 10th 2010, 04:20 PM
Sounds a lot like my own situation a few months back. I was with my ex 3 years and knew her for 4 and sure enough, while I was with her she seemed like the most amazing person imaginable. And in the end she went off with another guy without even telling me anything about it, instead she blamed me entirely for random things and eventually refused to talk to me at all, blocking all form of contact. I received police threats from her friends and family under no provocation or attempt to contact her whatsoever. And she still owes me a large sum of money which I doubt will ever be returned.
Anyway enough about me. The one thing I did realize after a few months was that she had a lot more flaws than I had really allowed myself to believe. It seems like you have the type of personality that means you often accept all the blame for any problems. You deserve better than that, she treated you awfully and it's not just your fault. I know you love her, but you also need to accept that she did this. You can't shoulder the blame forever while she treats you badly. Sadly some people can change. Don't even be afraid to be annoyed. Try to remind yourself you deserve better and to be happy and accept the fact she can have faults too. Think back on your past, has there been any other times she's done things that seemed unreasonable or unfair to you?
It might also be difficult to believe you can ever find better, but that's definitely an illusion, I can promise that. Try to make new friends. I know I almost felt like suicide too but somehow ended up on TH and gradually made a lot of really amazing friends who helped me get through things and gave me hope for the future. You definitely can find someone nice in the future who treats you as well as you treat them and appreciates you. Try to create a new reason to live, it might even be something you're unsure can ever happen atm, like finding someone else someday or making a lot of friends or achieving a career you'd love. But it can be possible and it will give you something to live for if you try to believe in it.
Hope things turn out better soon, best of luck and feel free to PM if you ever need.
Re: I cannot fight any longer.... -
August 11th 2010, 09:26 AM
Thanks for your reply and for sharing your story... It helps a lot to hear that other people have been through this and made it out on the other end alright. I know this kind of thing happens to many people and a lot of those same people get over it often... But honestly, it helps to hear it from a real person as opposed to just being told "someone out there is going through this and they'll make it through and so can you".
That would be why I am grateful for you sharing your past and I apologize if it brought up any painful memories... Luckily, after reading your post I talked to a real life friend who generally doesn't like to be bothered but they helped me after I came clean with them... Now I have chosen to move on in life and am working at a new career to start my life =).
You sound like a pretty cool person, so if you ever play games like S4 League or the up coming Guild Wars 2 let me know! If not then thank you once more for taking your time, I truly appreciated it....