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Perfect Little Girl... - August 17th 2010, 01:12 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am really starting to lose it. I look like the perfect little girl to the whole world. I smile, get good grades, do lots of extra curricular activities, have a steady boyfriend that I "love" yet none of these things feel real. I don't feel alive. I feel numb. Like I have hurt so much that I just can't feel anything anymore. Not pain, not passion. I want to hurt myself. I wonder if before death you feel really alive. I want the pain, I want to feel the blade. I want to do something, ANYTHING, to feel. I want someone to notice I am not the perfect little girl. I just dont know how to tell them how badly I want them to really see me. I want them to force me to feel, but somehow I know that they can't. I wish this all made sense...
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Re: Perfect Little Girl... - August 17th 2010, 01:24 AM

Don't hurt yourself or do anything you may regret later on, ther are plenty of ways to feel alive or not numb without the blade. You could make some impulse changes to your life, do something out of the ordinary, take a walk on the wild side. Theres never any need to hurt, even thugh it often feels like its the last option. I'll alwayd be here if you need anyone to talk to
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Re: Perfect Little Girl... - August 17th 2010, 01:27 AM

I can understand how you feel. I have to be perfect on the outside too. The pressure to keep all that stuff up, and to make sure everything else is hidden inside... Cutting doesnt help. It sounds cliched but it doesnt work. when I was feeling detached and foggy, I thought pain would make me snap out of it, but it doesnt. Try doing something really phsyical so that you connect to your body/self. This also releases epinephrines and other "reward" chemicals. Look at the list of self -harm alternitives... http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/
ps: I'm here to vent/ talk


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Re: Perfect Little Girl... - August 17th 2010, 03:03 AM

I can relate to How you feel. You can pm me if you ever want to talk. Stay strong don't SH. You don't deserve it. You sound like a good girl. I agree with Bec. You should definately try somthing that would be out of the norm for you.



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Re: Perfect Little Girl... - August 17th 2010, 03:40 AM

Katie,

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I want to encourage you to hang in there because things can improve. I know how desperately you want to feel something and you can it just takes time for all of that to fall into place.

It sounds to me like you have grown numb to your emotions because they have been to hurtful and too much to handle in the past. Well, I had this same issue as well. I used to not be able to feel anything at all. It hurt so much not to be able to feel. I felt like I wasn't human because of it. But I slowly started getting in tune with my feelings.

Here is how:

1) I went and talked to a therapist. It took me a while to find the right person but once I did she really helped to draw me out of my shell and be okay with the emotions that I was feeling.

2) I realized that the feelings I had were not bad. Anger didn't make me a bad person. Sadness didn't make me weak. Happiness and love didn't make me vulnerable. I learned that emotions are not a bad thing. It took some time to realize this but it was a good step to take. And, I will admit that I still struggle with these things. I kept my emotions at bay for so long and I feared them for so long that sometimes that old fear comes back again but I remind myself how important it is to feel and I remind myself that it is not a bad thing to feel.

3) I journaled. While therapy helped a great deal it was not the only tool out there. A lot of the emotional connection I have found came from within. Journaling was a great way to channel it and realize what I was feeling. I would just feel this weight on my shoulder and I couldn't put a name to it and I couldn't understand why. However the more I wrote the more I realized that the weight I felt at the pit of my stomach was sadness/anxiety and I felt that way because of this or that. When I could identify what I was feeling and why I could then transfer that over to therapy and talk to my therapist about it some more and come to terms with it.

4) I used the feeling wheel (http://www.wecarewelistenwehelp.com/feeling-wheel-large.html) This was a great way to identify my emotions. When I would feel an overwhelming sense of hurt, hostility and hate I knew that I was angry. Of course, I didn't just grab the feeling wheel one day and know right away what I thought; it took time for me to identfy each emotion and I did that with journaling and by talking to friends and family. There were times when I would ask my mom or dad or therapist 'how do you know you are angry' and they would tell me.

It does take a lot of work and time to over come the numbness you are feeling but I believe you can.

As for reaching out to people and making them see; that can be a really hard thing to do. The best thing to do is to tell them what/how you are feeling. Let your friends and family know that you are feeling numb and all of this. Hopefully they will gather around you and support you and help you get the help you deserve.

I really hope this helped and if you need anything please feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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Re: Perfect Little Girl... - August 17th 2010, 02:34 PM

Thanks a lot you guys. I am going out today to buy a journal, I really do think that will help me some. I am not totally comfortable talking to another therapist just yet, but my college offers them free so I might try it once classes start up again. Thanks so much for your advice guys. I am also considering dyeing my hair purple. I mean that would be pretty out of character.
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