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Unhappy Stuck, Trapped, Failed, Hate This - August 17th 2010, 01:20 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I feel so alone right now, it's not even funny. I feel so...scared and I don't know what I'm afraid of. I feel stuck, too. Like, I'm the only one that can't move on, can't transition from being a high school student to finally heading off to college. All of my friends have already been accepted to the colleges they have applied to, but I haven't even made a choice on schools, haven't moved past anything that has happened to me over the course of my school career. And everybody changed, they aren't the same people I know; their interests haven't changed, but their personalities have and...I don't know them anymore. I hate it.

I had a plan of what I wanted to do, but my parents shot it down by telling me that I won't last in that career and that I shouldn't do something just because of what happened to my friend. Because of what my boss does to underage girls, they say I should go into something easier and something that won't require body stamina. They suggested journalism like I had wanted to, at first but then so much crap happened and I decided that I shouldn't be in journalism and then my oldest brother wanted me to join the Navy but I told the recruiter that if I had to go to war and come back, I was sure I would kill myself.

...And that's just it; I tell people who're suicidal that they have something to live for, but I don't. I feel like a hypocrite. I have no future, and my dad and teachers have been saying that for years now. Just ending it would make things so much better.

Most days, I feel like cutting myself and I do. I can't quit. I'm to stressed out, to depressed and I can't get out of this slump. Some days, I can't bring myself out of bed and those days, I have to call in sick to work because I'm sure if I go and if it's the pedophile, mentally abusive boss working, I would kill myself. I was honestly gonna kill myself one night, I had everything planned out carefully; but being busy and one of my coworkers who was crying because of her ex-boyfriend stopped me from doing it.

I'm constantly yelled at because I barely ever go outside, and that's been going on for the past eleven years. My parents are fed up with my anti-social, odd behavior, and when I bring up how students have treated me, they always say that it's over with. I should be over it, but I'm not. How can I be? Words hurt, so much.

And I can't even bring myself to save a dear friend of mine, I have to save him because I don't want this on my conscience. I don't want to lose him and I'm fucking failure because I'm at a loss at what to do. He's only seventeen, he's already been in jail...he's already done stupid things and I can't save him. I know I probably already failed him...

I feel like I'm drowning and I feel so selfish for having all of these feelings. I feel so selfish that I need to talk about myself and I'm stuck, and I can't move forward anymore.

I'm sorry this is all confusing but so are my thoughts.

Does anyone ever get like this?

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Re: Stuck, Trapped, Failed, Hate This - August 17th 2010, 04:09 AM

Hey there,

I get like that all the time. I have all these thoughts piling inside of me and I go on over drive. I then start doubting myself and all of that which leads to more stress. It is hard but I always manage to pull myself out of it and I know you can too.

What would you like to do with your life? Even if that dream is something that seems impossible to others you should go for it. You need to go for the things you want even if people do not agree with it. You cannot live your life with regrets. At least if you try doing the things that you want to and it doesn't work out you can say 'oh well, I tried and now I need to look into something else' However if you never try there will always be a small part of you that wonders 'what if'. And that is never a fun voice to have inside of your head.

As for the things that happened; I don't know the full story but, yes, it can take a long time to get over the hurt that others have inflicted upon you but you cannot let that stop you. If you let others actions stop you from living life then they win. However, if you continue making it in this world you are showing them that you are a good person and you are better then all the things they ever said or did to you.

Have you ever considered getting into therapy? I know that is a scary thing to think of but it could help you quite a bit. I know that therapy has helped me come to terms with some things in my past. A therapist is usually really objective and understanding. A therapist, most likely, won't tell you to just get over what happened to you. Instead a therapist will sit with you and let you mourn for the things that happened and help you come to terms with it all.

Lastly, as for your friend, I know you want to help him but sometimes we cannot save everyone. I know, because I watched my brother make decision that ruined his life for a long time, that it is hard to watch people the ones we love do things to mess up their lives but you have to remember that you are not responsible for the choices he makes. You can be a friend and support him through his struggles but in the end he is the one who makes the choices not you.

Please hang in there because I really do believe that things can get better for you. And if you need anything feel free to pm me.


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