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I'm angry... at everyone and everything. - August 19th 2010, 01:37 AM

I don't know if this belongs here... but I'm assuming that this is some form of depression I'm feeling, since I don't know what else to call it.

I am 18 years old, and I graduated high school in June. My high school friends were always quite terrible to me; they excluded me from their activities on purpose, made fun of me, spread lies, etc. As soon as I no longer needed them, I erased them from my life in hopes that I could get through these few months until college started in the fall. And that felt good... for a while.

It isn't like they were always around anyway, but throughout the summer, I've been completely isolated. I tried getting a job to occupy my time, but nobody was hiring. I tried meeting people in various places, but nothing ever lead to more than a passing glance.

My parents and I don't get along very well. My father and I argue constantly, since he has his problems and I have mine. On the other hand, my mother is sometimes quite nice to me, but it seems like every time I confide in her anything more than, "I did the laundry today," she uses it against me in some form the next time we disagree. She'll slam me for everything I do, despite being just as bad or worse in most cases, and I'm getting really tired of it.

I have a boyfriend... sort of. It's long distance, and things used to be a lot, well, better before he started spending more time with his friends. And I can't blame him for wanting to hang out with his friends. He's an 18 year old guy. He should be out there having fun... but that doesn't mean I don't miss him. On top of that, I feel jealous of the life he has, and it hurts that I can't truly be a part of for now.

And I think it's this constant loneliness and feeling of rejection that makes me downright ice cold in the heart.

I don't even know why I'm trying anymore. I have no ambition. I have no goals. I have no friends. The desolation... it makes me sad... but also quite angry. I want to... seek revenge on these people that I'm supposed to care about. In my boyfriend's case, it's not even his fault.

I'm afraid to touch any sort of addictive substance. I'll get instantly addicted if it feels even the slightest bit good. My insides feel dead. I used to be a writer, and now I can't even do that. College? I barely care about that. I like very few things and find myself resenting more and more people every time I turn around.

I don't know what I'm looking for... maybe some sympathy or advice? Anything. Just let me know I'm still alive.




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Re: I'm angry... at everyone and everything. - August 19th 2010, 02:45 AM

Jaime,

It sounds like a stressful situation. I don't know if there is a lot I can say but I am going to try.

Firstly, your boyfriend, why don't you try talking to him about the way you are feeling? You don't have to tell him he cannot hang out with friends but maybe you could ask him to spend a little bit more time with you? Maybe you guys could have date nights? I know you are lond distance but you could get on skype, aim, msn messenger, phone etc and chat away. Maybe if you have set dates and times to chat you won't feel as bad about the whole situation?

As for college; motivating yourself to get to college can be hard. I know it took me two dropped semesters to finally get motivated and figure out where I want to be. The best thing to do when it comes to that is take it slowly. Maybe you could take 1 or 2 classes to start out and go from there? College will always be there for you so don't rush it. If you don't have a lot of motivation pushing yourself to do the normal amount of units (12-15) might not be the greatest idea. If you just did one or two classes you would still get a feel for college but you wouldn't feel as over whelmed.

You know, college can be a good way to meet friends? It sounds like you really want some people who you can relate to and college could be a way to do that. You could find some clubs to join, try talking to the people in your class etc. You never know what can happen.

As for your mom; I know the feeling. I don't feel like I can really talk to my mom without her using what I have to say against me or other people I know. I talk to her a lot about my dad and I know some of the stuff I tell her she uses to hurt him. I hate it which makes me wary of leaning on her. I don't really have advice for avoiding all of that except not telling her such personal things. However all of that is easier said then done. I know that I struggle with not talking to my mom personally. I found that when I made friends it was a little easier to pick and choose what I talk to her about. When you make friends it might be the same way.

Until then maybe you could try coming on here and venting? I know it isn't the same as real life venting but this website has helped me a lot and it could help you too. The people are very supportive.

Lastly, I think you should consider talking to someone about all of this. I know your parents might not be the greastest choice but what about another relative or a counselor? Reaching out can be really hard but it might help with your anger issues and your feelings of isolation. Please give it a shot.

I hope this was of some help and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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