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Stained Dreamer Offline
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Unhappy When it comes back, it comes back with a vengence - August 25th 2010, 01:00 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I've never done self harm (though I thought about it a lot a few years ago) and I've never actually attempted suicide, I've thought about it a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean I could be standing somewhere looking around at ways to just die...It was that bad.

Then my boyfriend Jarrett came into my life. He brought me back from everything that was going wrong and I was so thrilled. He made everything okay again...my depression had disappeared... He truly saved my life. I've never told him I was suicidal because he said that would scare him if I was, so I wanted to spare him the worry. But he doesn't see how much he means to me...

Well, recently, between Mom not letting me see him (because she thinks we're going to have sex) and crap going on with my dad and Jarrett going away with his friends and barely speaking to me, then coming back again and crap, I've been relapsing into this serious depression. I stay in my room and don't come out (which is actually kinda normal for me) but I also think about cutting myself and how to hide the scars or how to just hurt myself so that all this people would see what they're doing to me. I relapse into serious hurt and pain and it bothers Jarrett so much...he doesn't know about the self harm thoughts, but he does know that I get depressed... He said I should go on meds for depression or bipolar disorder...which would honestly scare the living daylights out of me. I'm afraid of meds. I'm already going to a therapist, but I don't want to tell her about my self harm/suicidal thoughts because then she'd have to tell my mom and dad...that would just be the scariest thing of my life.

What do I do? How do I stop from relapsing so that I can be a better person for Jarrett? I love him with all my heart. I truly do, and I want to be with him forever...but when the depression comes, all I think about is wanting to die...which would leave him...I love him.

I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Want to hold on, and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me, but I'm still here
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Re: When it comes back, it comes back with a vengence - August 25th 2010, 02:36 AM

Hey there,

It sounds like you are going through a rough time but I am sure you will be able to pull through. Hang in there and you will see better days.

Firstly, I think you need to be a little more open with your boyfriend. I know you don't want to put all that on him but he deserves to know. There might not be a lot he can do but just having someone who can really be there completely could help. You are in a relationship and you need to try and be completely honest with him and trust him with your feelings. It sounds like he cares about you and wants to see you live a happy and full life.

As for therapy; I think you need to open up to your therapist. Therapy is such a great tool to have access too but a therapist can only help you with as much as you tell them. You are keeping such a big part of your struggle secret so your therapist cannot fully help you. I know you aren't thrilled about your parents finding out but if it can help your life improve why deny yourself that? And, maybe you could talk to your therapist and see if she would have to tell your parents? If your parents already know that you have struggled with suicide and self harm I don't think there would be any reason for her to disclose anything further. Don't be afraid of opening up because in the end you might make it a little harder for you to get help.

As for the self harm; I think you need to look at the alternatives. They can be really helpful.

Here is the link:


Lastly, I think journaling would be great. I know it has helped me in the past and it might help you. It will be a great way for you to get all your bottled up emotions out. Remember when you journal the writing and grammer doesn't have to be perfect; instead write about whatever comes to mind and don't hold back.

I hope this helped and if you need anything feel free to pm me.


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someoneoutthere Offline
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Re: When it comes back, it comes back with a vengence - August 26th 2010, 05:31 AM

to me it seems you found your reason to live: Jarrett. thats a good reason isnt it? you love him, and i'm sure he loves you. what you do affects him as well. i bet he would give anything to make you happy and not depressed anymore.
you just have to stay strong, and know that there are really people that care about you.
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back, vengence

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