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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
fatdumpling Offline
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Unhappy I don't know what this is, but I'm scared, help me ): - August 25th 2010, 01:43 PM

Exactly one year ago, I went through things someone of my age wouldn't handle too well. I completely fucked up my families trust, everybody started hating on me, their eyes, the way I was looked at.. I'll never forget it. I was unwanted in that house, but I had no choice but to stay there for one entire month. It was like hell, having nobody to speak to, having all your family look at you like your worthless.

It's been a year, I've built my trust back with my parents, but I'm still scarred from what has happened. I lose sleep over it, I break down crying.
All of that happened because I fell in love with this one boy. He literally put me through hell and back, I swore to my family I wouldn't speak to him again.
I broke that promise. Not once, or twice, but three times. Why ? Cause I loved the way he made me feel. Not that he really loved me or anything, I knew why he wanted me. I didn't care.

But it all hurts so much now, I didn't cut for an entire year, I was tempted to, but I held back.
I gave up last week, I cut again and again, over the same spot, and it felt amazing. I can't believe I gave up I feel so fucking weak

I wont go into detail for what happened last year, but that has left me pathetically weak. The SMALLEST fights with my parents, I'll break down and start thinking about suicide.

It's always on my mind, I want nothing more than to leave this place. I hate this world. I don't see reason in anything I do, and I'm not interested in what the future holds. I want out, but I'm scared, part of me wants to live so badly, but I don't even know if I'll make it past this year
I'm scared, I'm really scared of doing something stupid
I dont want to leave yet, not now

Stupid thing is, one day I'll be all happy, and i think "maybe I'm okay, why am I fussing"
But the next day, I'll be having suicidal thoughts all day and night.

Someone tell me, what the hell is this ? Whats wrong with me?
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Silver Halide Offline
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Re: I don't know what this is, but I'm scared, help me ): - August 25th 2010, 02:13 PM

I would not say that something is wrong with you as that may imply there is some kind of defect. You are not defective.

Some of your previous experiences may have been negative. This leads into how you react with fights between your family. In losing their trust earlier you may also feel somewhere back in your mind that you have lost their support. This is most likely very far from the truth.

You should definitely look into rebuilding your support network. Friends, relatives, counselors: all of these people can help to provide you with a positive group of people you can rely on. It seems to me, from what you have written, that your cutting is based on control when you feel little control over the way you feel. By finding a solid group of people who can support you day-to-day through difficult times, you can help smooth out the ridges in your emotional state.

As for your thoughts on the future. The future, especially for someone as bright and well spoken as you, is a limitless expanse of positive life experiences. By choosing to live you are not only doing so for yourself but for all the people in your life now and in the future on which you have a positive impact. Do not denigrate yourself in this respect either. One smile from you on the street could change the whole course of someone's life. Example: You smile at a person walking down the street. That person then goes to a job interview more upbeat. They land the job because of their upbeat attitude. This leads them to a management position in a large company. Had you not been there, they may have stayed in a funk and not gotten the job.

As to your question: people's moods shift every day. For you it is possible that when it shifts downward your thoughts carry you even further down towards the depressive scale of thoughts and emotions. You seem like a very resilient and intelligent individual. So if you can catch yourself dipping into a mood, notice it. By noticing it you can acknowledge it and move forward without allowing your environment to bring you down.
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Re: I don't know what this is, but I'm scared, help me ): - August 26th 2010, 04:16 PM

You are ok and there is nothing wrong wiht you but, i know it can be hard for losing someones trust that you need, i know for a fact because i have been in the same place before, but you can get all the negtive and make it a postive because there is hope for you.

I know that not self harming for a year is good and that is a GOOD JOB for lasting one year but, it is normal to want to think about it or even self harming again even after you have lasted so long with out it and the relief that self harm brings is not a good feeling which i know you know and it is just a for a little while before you feel the same way again and there may be other ways to get the same feeling without cutting like maybe try ice when you want to cut get two or three ice cubes and hold it agaist where you want to cut

I hope that helps you, you can always PM if you need to talk.

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Re: I don't know what this is, but I'm scared, help me ): - August 26th 2010, 04:35 PM

Suicidal thoughts are very normal, so nothing's actually wrong with you (as the others have said). Definitely look into rebuilding your support network, as Silver Halide suggested. I find that talking to anyone; even just someone on here that I don't even know, can be immensely helpful. It feels good to let someone else know what's going on and it really eases your fears sometimes...usually actually. Let me know if you want to talk.

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last updated on 11/11/17
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