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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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terris Offline
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Unhappy Depressed? - August 26th 2010, 04:30 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I've recently (for the last 3 or so months) been really down and upset, often for no reason. I was sexually abused by my uncle about 5 years ago, and the negative feelings have all come back. I'm constantly stressed (partly because of school) but also about stupid things. I feel lost and like my friends havent noticed or care about how i am. I always feel guilty about the abuse and also about stupid things happening around me. I've started hurting myself again, and I'm at the point where i want to end all of the pain. I feel invisible, and like people would be better off without me. I also recently found out my mum is sick, and i don't know how to talk to her about it. I've been talking to a teacher about it, but i feel bad for taking her time and sometimes talking makes me feel worse. I've been told i need to talk to a psychologist, but i have trust problems. I just don't know what to do, and whether it's worth applying for special consideration at school. I also can't sleep at night because i have thoughts of the abuse, adn i've had nightmares surrounding the abuse too. Every thought i have is somehow linked to it, and i just don't know how to feel better. Am i depressed? i'm so confused about everything, and i feel soo lost. What do i do?

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Re: Depressed? - August 26th 2010, 04:39 AM

Well, considering how you feel, and the flashbacks (i.e. nightmares), you may very well have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Either way, these feelings are not good, and perhaps you should mention this to your doctor, who may recommend therapy.


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Re: Depressed? - August 26th 2010, 02:19 PM

I understand the trust issues with regards to talking to a therapist. The first time I talked to one is was a difficult step. However, this thought may comfort you in regards to them: unlike regular individuals, therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists are bound by very specific laws and privacy agreements. You don't have to trust them as much as you would someone else as the law is very specific about what they can and cannot say to others.

In regards to the teacher who you are talking to. That is excellent. Having more people to talk to about your issues extends your support network. I would not worry about taking up too much of their time. I've known a lot of teachers in my time and most of them are very kind and interested in bettering people's lives. Most students will just treat them with disregard. The fact that you can go to them requires a degree of trust they usually do not see.

As to your question of depression, there are resources in a sticky in this forum that can help you. As ArcAngel said, there may be PTSD, however since I am not a professional I cannot diagnose any mental disorder. This is where I would defer to a psychological expert.

I hope you feel better soon.
   
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Re: Depressed? - August 31st 2010, 11:47 AM

Hey,

Maybe it is worth talking to a therapist about. You could well have PTSD, but only a professional can tell you for definate. Its good you have a teacher who you can talk to, and they may even get help to you in time.

If you wanna chat PM me

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Re: Depressed? - August 31st 2010, 05:41 PM

Terri,

Reading this was like reading something I would have written in regards to my own sexual abuse. I have nightmares and therefore cannot sleep, I sometimes feel suicidal and there are times when all I can think about is the abuse. But, things regarding my abuse and the healing have gotten a tad bit better and I think the same can and will happen for you too.

Sexual abuse is a big thing to go through and the healing process can be really intense. Having flashbacks and nightmares of it again can be really scary but try to remember that those flashbacks are just memories and you are safe now. I do that sometimes when I wake up from a bad dream or I have a flashback; I just repeat over and over that I am safe now. Maybe that will help you?

I will be honest though, after a flashback or nightmare my thoughts of suicide increase greatly. I really hate that because the flashbacks/nightmares come so unexpectedly; one day I could be doing pretty well and the next the flashbacks have tore me down. However, I do not let them destroy me. I know that I am stronger then the things that have happened in the past and that I can make it through the healing process and I believe you can too.

After a flashback/nightmare do you get a little more depressed? If so I would suggest you reach out to someone. I know that after I have one I try to reach out. One of the things I do is go out with friends. After a flashback I don't want to do anything, I feel extra hyperviligent and being around people seems to scary, but I make myself get up and out of the house. I try meeting up with friends but if that is not possible I get out and go to a coffeeshop. I think this helps because I am not trapped inside my house with the thoughts and the memories. Please give it a try. If you would feel comfortable you could talk to a friend or family member(mom,dad etc) about it as well. I know that it helps me to just tell someone 'I just had a flashback and I am really messed up right now'. My good support network looks at me and smiles and tells me how strong I am. So, finding that group of people who can help you through this is important to the healing process.

I really thing getting in with a psychologist would be a fantastic idea. I have one and it has helped me a lot. I too had trust issues in regards to therapists but when I found the right therapist for me those issues faded quite a bit. I now know that my therapist really does care about me. You can find that too. The biggest advice I can give you in order to build trust with a therapist is to let them in on your life; be honest with them. Now, you don't have to do it all at once, you can do it slowly. When I started seeing my current therapist I started out slowly. I told her little things to see how she would respond and to see if I could trust her and once I realized she was trustworthy I dived into some deeper things. It helped me to slowly build my trust with her and now I know I can talk to her about anything. Do you think you could give that a try?

As for the self harm; I think you should look at the alternatives. It might help you to fight the urges. You might not be ready to stop now but keep that list handy for the times that you really do feel like fighting the urge.

Here is the link to that:

http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/

Lastly, I want you to know that you should not be ashamed of what happened to you. You were so young and the person that did it to you was someone you must have had some level of trust with. He broke that trust and hurt you and he should be ashamed. Fight back against that shame he has put on you because you do not deserve to feel it. Speak up about the things that occured and place the shame back on him. I know that I held onto the things that happened to me because the emotions I sometimes felt didn't feel right. However, I slowly started talking about it and letting my emotions come out and it helps. I realized that it is alright if I am confused, angry, sad etc. But, by not keeping it inside I am not holding onto my abusers shame. It is kind of a good feeling to have and it might help you if you were to speak up about it and let go of the shame that has been placed on you.

You are strong and can beat this. Things can improve so please do not harm yourself. If you end it all you will never be able to see the good things that life can offer.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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Re: Depressed? - August 31st 2010, 06:33 PM

I have been having the same problems with falshbacks and nightmares. I am to the point where I cannot even sleep in my own room. I go to my Dad's room to sleep on the floor. I'm almost 17 so I feel pretty pathetic when I have to do that. But it somehow makes me feel safer.
And I want to hurt myself again, because that's the only way I know how to breathe sometimes. I'm paranoid and have horrible anxiety attacks.

Something you could try instead of harming yourself, it to squeeze ice cubes in your hand. Honestly it doesn't work all of the time, but it is one method. You can also just get up a clean like crazy when your upset. My house is always clean because of this, but I will continue to clean the same thing just to calm myself down.

But like Jenna said, you can get through this. The problem is that some things trigger these memories. You just have to know how to control it.
   
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