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fatdumpling Offline
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Unhappy Feels like I'm falling into a state of madness. - August 27th 2010, 09:41 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I remember feeling this way long ago, and it scares me to think that I feel so close to going back to that. Everything seems so pointless right now, whenever I let my thoughts go wild, it gets harder and harder to breathe, to the point where I start tearing up and shaking in fear.
I'm currently looking for a reason to live, but I can't see one.
Some one important to me told me that they would be my reason, and that was going all good, but it just isn't helping anymore.
I can't keep depending on someone that's eventually going to walk away.
I don't want to depend on people, I've bothered them enough.
If I just leave this cold world, everything would be so much better, I wouldn't suffer, the people around me wouldn't suffer, and I'm aware of how selfish I sound right now, but I don't even care.
I've been selfish before, so what difference is it going to make now?
Getting through each day has become such a challenge, and I feel that I'm ready to give up.
I'm scared though, scared of doing something stupid, scared that I won't make it passed this year alive.
I was perfectly fine 2 years ago, I miss the old me.
I've been diagnosed with anxiety, and I'm also currently seeing a psychologist. I haven't said any of the above to her, she thinks I'm doing fine. And I have no intention on letting her know, so don't tell me to speak to her either.
I'm really worried, I don't want to be this way no more
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Life17 Offline
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Re: Feels like I'm falling into a state of madness. - August 27th 2010, 12:19 PM

hun, we are all here 2 listen n 2 comfert you but nobody on this website can help you better than ur psychologist can. Making ur psychologist believe dat everything is ok it only makin things worst 4 you. Anxiety is a really hard thing 2 deal wit as it can destroy ur life but as a person who is dealin wit it talkin about it helps. Keep FAITH n BELIEVE
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Silver Halide Offline
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Re: Feels like I'm falling into a state of madness. - August 27th 2010, 01:55 PM

There is no advice I can give you that would be better than your psychologist. I would strongly suggest you talk to them, even though you indicated you did not want to bring it up with them. Unless you indicate you plan on immediately doing something self-harming they will not lock you up and they are bound by privacy laws to not say a thing. They know you better than most people. Additionally, by not telling them you are not enabling them to help you help yourself.

You never mentioned if you take medicine for anxiety. This could be critical as some medications for anxiety can have "depression" listed as a side effect. If this is the case this doubles the reasons you should see your psychologist.

That all aside... I have a few more words. Do not worry about depending on people. Depending on people is natural. Despite the big individuality kick of western culture, human beings need other human beings. We're a social people. Leaning on someone when you need support is a good thing.

The world is not cold, nor are you a bother. These are things that depression filters down to you. I remember being depressed. I'm a highly logical person and even that did not stop me from mis-attributing my feelings and my depressed state and blaming it on external circumstances. When you're depressed the world looks much colder than it actually is. Things seem darker. When people say it will get better they could also mean that once you are able to manage your depression you will see the world as it has always been.
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