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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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I don't know what to do - August 28th 2010, 02:15 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

First off, I do appologize if this is confusing or long. My life is complicated...
So basically I'm depressed.
I can't get myself to be happy any more neither can I let myself cry. I feel so worthless. No one cares about me period. Maybe my therapist but it's her "job". Why am I these things you may ask?
When i was little like 7 or 8 my mom's boyfriend abused me (emotionally,verbally, and sometimes physically). That continued untill I was twelve. At 13 I was sexually assulated by my classmate. He then threated to kill me and he still goes to my school and I am afraid to death of him. (I am 17 just to let you know). Anyway while that was going on my mom's new boyfriends son sexually abused me. And I think he did more but I'm still afraid to admit that fully. I really don't know if I can take this any more. All these things are still happening in my head and I'm afraid that they will never stop. I do cut. Which helps but I know it's not healthy and I need to stop, but, i just can't. I'm hurting so much and don't really think I can go on much longer. I'm so worn out. If I try to talk about this to my mom she thinks im doing it for attention and yells and screams at me making me fell 110% worse. I don't know what to do. I'm seriously debating about not living any more. But then agian maybe not. I'm scared...



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Re: I don't know what to do - August 28th 2010, 02:43 AM

Meg,

It sounds as if you are dealing with a lot. I am sorry all this has happened but I want you to know that with time it will improve. So, please don't give up. If you let go of life now you will never get to see the good things it can and will bring you.

I really think you need to find someone to talk to about all of this. Sexual abuse is a hard thing to come to terms with and dealing with it alone is really hard. Do you think that you could talk to your mom about getting you into therapy? What about looking up a victims of sexual assault support group? Find someone or somewhere you can go to open up about all of this. It will be a really hard step to take but it can help. I am currently looking into finding a support group of that kind. I know it will be a scary thing to attempt but I think it will help me immensely. Please look into doing the same.

The thing that I try to remember when I am really struggling with my past abuse and contemplating suicide is that those memories and feelings go through a phase. Right now it seems like you are in the throes of trying to understand them, come to terms with them and accept what happened. So, the feelings you have towards them are going to be a lot more intense. However, the more you deal with everything that happened the 'easier' it will get.

I have flashbacks from my abuse and it is really hard. I tell my therapist how intense they are and how much I hate them and every time she reminds me that it gets better. I believe the same thing will happen for you. I don't know when but it will. Let yourself go through the healing process and you will come out on top.

If you need anything please feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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