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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Help? I am seriously breaking down. - September 3rd 2010, 12:31 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I seriously feel like I am losing my mind. okay, like I've had pretty bad depression for a really long time and like I used to cut myself, but I stopped doing therapy and meds because I don't want to depend on things to make me feel better. I stopped telling people that I know my problems and acting depressed because I don't want anyone to think there's anything wrong with me (cuz once that happens, I get screwed, always).<--- Anyway, this is the backstory.

I am having such a hard time adjusting and I am like trying so hard to be myself and gain friends but I think I am more or less pushing everyone away. Everything at home is all upside down and crazy. I act so happy that it literally makes me sick and if I even seem a little depressed and someone asks me what's wrong, I just say that I am tired. But like really, I am so close to starting to cut again and I am starting to get these suicidal thoughts again.....like it's odd. idk. I think about these things so logically. I don't have the guts to even try and kill myself. I don't even know where those thoughts come from, but I am fighting so hard to not cut myself again because I did it for five years and I just want it to be done. But, I know I will end up doing it again and I won't get caught because I get better at hiding it everytime.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I sound like some freakin psychotic emo kid. and if I told anyone, that's all I'd be seen as.


I need to scream for you until my throat is numb..
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Re: Help? I am seriously breaking down. - September 3rd 2010, 12:40 AM

Hey Dani,

Good for you for quitting cutting! However, maybe you need that little bit of help from therapy, and/or medications. It's nothing to be ashamed of though, its not like its your fault.

Perhaps you should consider going to therapy, or some sort of support group. Maybe its the whole idea of holding everything in thats making you feel this way, and having an outlet to let it out could prove beneficial.

If you don't want to do the therapy/support thing, maybe find an interest that makes you happy? For example, to distract myself when I feel like SHing, I tend to draw, or paint, or even occasionally craft things. One time I made my sister a pair of earrings, despite the fact I don't like my sister very much at all, just to keep my hands busy.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.


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Overall, Dare to be yourself.

Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
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Re: Help? I am seriously breaking down. - September 3rd 2010, 12:44 AM

The very fact that you're posting here means you don't want to relapse. Please don't cut again. It sounds like you've mostly moved past it; you understand it wasn't worth it. You can find other ways to relieve stress. How did you stop initially? Did you try running, or other exercise, or just talking to people (more about this in the next paragraph) when you feel stressed? These things help me (and MANY others who've moved beyond cutting). Based on what you wrote, I think you have the determination not to go back to cutting.

As to friends, and trying to pretend you're okay: don't. There's no need to. Everyone gets upset, everyone has things they struggle with. Your friends are bound to understand it. Isn't there someone who'd like for you to open up to him/her? It shows that you trust the person, etc. Talking to friends is probably one of the best ways to deal with stuff. You don't have to say that you're just tired. Everyone has depressed moments, and stressed moments, and bad days. If friends are asking how you're doing... you might feel better afterwards if you tell them the truth. Only if they're people you can trust, obviously. I don't think (genuine) friends would see you as a "psychotic emo kid", but you could omit the stuff you don't feel comfortable sharing (like the cutting) and still be honest about what's going on at home. But you might be surprised- maybe someone you talk to will be able to relate. Tons of people are good at putting on facades when really they're struggling (as you know from your own experience).

Regardless of how you decide to deal with this stuff, I hope you feel better!!


   
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Re: Help? I am seriously breaking down. - September 3rd 2010, 06:02 AM

I was the same, I really avoided therapy, and then I avoided medications, I really hated the idea of depending on things like that. But, there are three causes of depression, environmental, biological and a mix of both.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking medication, depression is a crippling illness, no one blames cancer patients for chemo, no one blames migraine sufferers for taking painkillers.
Don't ever be afraid to ask for help, from professionals or loved ones, if they are worthy enough to have you in their lives they will at least try to understand, they won't judge, and they will be there for you.
Good luck, gorgeous


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Re: Help? I am seriously breaking down. - September 3rd 2010, 11:23 AM

Hey there,

Reading this was really like reading something I would have written a while back. There was a period not too long ago when I wanted to completely give up on therapy and medicine. I didn't really see it as mandatory and I didn't want to have to depend on them all my life. However, someone put it into perspective for me: why quit now? You can work on all your issues and in a few years (maybe less) you can quit going. But, if you quit before you have fully been helped there is a bigger chance of relapse and you needing it 10 years down the road. This really hit home because my reasons for not going was because I don't want to have to rely on therapy 10 years down the road and quiting before I am ready could potenetially mean that I will need it then. So, I may have to be in therapy for a while but 10 years from now I am really hoping that I won't need it. It could be the same for you.

I know it can be really hard to have to go to therapy. I am sure there is a part of you that feels it is pointless and maybe you even feel a bit different or weak but I promise none of these things are true. When a person decides to go to therapy and work on their issues they are doing something that enables them to be strong. Why quit something now and prevent yourself from getting the help you deserve? You can overcome this but if you act prematurely you might fall really really low. I would really hate to see this happen. Therapy is a great resource so please do not be afraid to use it.

As for medicine; I know that feeling to. However, just because you might be on meds now doesn't mean you will have to be on it forever. I have began taking medicines again and it took a lot of information from my therapist for me to decide on that again. See, I don't want to be dependent upon medicines forever either; that is probably a big fear of mine. However, the way my therapist explained it is that there are a lot of people who take medicine to help them stay at a stable place while they are going to therapy. Once they deal with all the things they need to in therapy the doctors might work on a plan to get the patient off. Now, , my therapist and I also talked about the fact that there was a possibility I might have to be on meds for my whole life. I have always known that was a possibility and it really hurt. However, talking to my therapist and experiencing a very intense relapse led me to the conclusion that I would rather be on medicine and be able to live a happy and healthy life then be off of meds and not live life at all. I know being on medicines is not an ideal thing but talk to your doctors and let them know how you feel and maybe they will, one day, let you work on weaning off of thoese medicine. And, if they won't at least you will be living life.

There seems to be a taboo on medicine pertaining to psychiatry and I really cannot figure that out. Depression is a mental illness, it is not something we can just make go away, so if the medicine keeps a depressed person alive there is nothing wrong with that.

Now, as for your urge to cut I think you should look into the alternatives. I am going to give you the link. I know sometimes you won't feel like looking into them but give it a shot and see what happens.

Here is the link:

http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/

I really hoped this helped and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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