Triggering: i want to but i cant.

[kiwi_fish_bunny]

i want do it, i cant do it.
i have people who care about me, who i care about.
but im still hurting, like my cheast is constantly tight, i try not to cry.
cos that would break my mum.
ive got my knife, i know where the pillz are, i want to, but i dont.
im in love with dustin, i dont wanna hurt him,(if u read this babe im sorry)
ive been trying and trying. it started in year 9, its now towards the end of year 11. and im still in pain.

my he hurt me, he didnt just leave bruises, he didnt just knock me out. he broke my soul, made me terrified to be round males. im starting to trust agian, but feeling safe? im not sure i ever will. thanks bro, thanks for doing that to me, i hope you know how much you hurt me, i hope you care enough that it hurts you to think about too.

my dads in aussie im missing him, without dad around my brother is getting worse again. he pushed mum the other night, not to roughly just enough to make me scared that he is getting violent again.

god please! someone save me, tell me what to do! get me out of here before i gt myself out permantly.

[kiwi_fish_bunny]

i took some pillz, i cut. only 5 pills plus 5 of these other things. shit im trying to take more tying to cut more, but the other half is making me stay here....

[rebeccajane]

I can see that its really hard right now, but i think you need to hang in there hun. There is obviously something keeping you here on earth. I don't think that your supposed to die.

Its really sad and hurtful what your brother does to you. I guess that there would be a reason behind all his anger that he should really get counciling for. Anyway, i think that you should tell someone about this.. if you haven't already. Like a councilor or an adult, even a friend. Do you and your mum talk about it? You defiantly shouldn't have to go through that and not in feel safe in your own home. Maybe also, going to the hospital or a doctor. Get it all checked out. Make sure nothing broken.

I really hope everything goes well for you hun. Take care!
Rebecca x

[kiwi_fish_bunny]

im okay, im at school, feeling like shit but i'll live....
idk what comes over me, i was happy just before tht then i just snap and poof, i go down hill, if i go back to doc or councerlor they might try out me on meds...

[rebeccajane]

Originally Posted by kiwi_fish_bunny

im okay, im at school, feeling like shit but i'll live....
idk what comes over me, i was happy just before tht then i just snap and poof, i go down hill, if i go back to doc or councerlor they might try out me on meds...

That might be a good thing though.

[kiwi_fish_bunny]

it could but the people i talk to have told me that it makes them worse when they get off them because they become relient on them

[rebeccajane]

Originally Posted by kiwi_fish_bunny

it could but the people i talk to have told me that it makes them worse when they get off them because they become relient on them

That can be true. But that's why you cant just take em. You have to also see your doctor regularly and a councilor etc. Well, you don't have to, but its best especially for when your coming off them. Because you learn how to deal with life's ups and downs.

[kiwi_fish_bunny]

i went to my councerlor again today, first time in a few weeks. ive been scared to go. idk why but i have been, it was okay, i guess.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Beka,

I think it is great that you went to your counselor; I am wondering if you explained to her how much you are struggling? I know that can be a scary thing to do but remember that therapists can only help you with as much information as you give them. So, if you are not completely honest with them they cannot help you to the best of their ability.

As for your brother, is there anyone you can get help from in this situation? You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you and if you can I think you should 1) report him 2) get out of the house. I know that could be a hard step to take but you DESERVE to be in a safe environment. Also, I am wondering if you could talk to your dad about what is going on? I know he is in Aussie but that doesn't necessarily mean he cannot help figure something out.

Beka, please do not harm yourself, you can overcome the things that are happening. I know it can be hard to be strong but hang in there because it does get better.

If you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna

[kiwi_fish_bunny]

okay dont you hate those days wen everything is good and u get home and ur broither starts hitting you and ur mom tell you to shut up wen ur yelling at ur brother to stop, then finally she comes out and tells him to leave u alone and simo dras him away....yea i had one of those days!!