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TheBabyEater Offline
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Everything falling apart - September 5th 2010, 07:29 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I didn't really want to post in the forums but honestly... I couldn't care less right now. I'm probably going to get off staff and probably leave TH all together if things get even a little bit worse. I want to try and make this short but I don't think I possibly could.

I suppose it started... a long, long time ago. Probably back when things first got bad when I was raped. But we'll just skip that and go to a month or so ago. I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the week... Things got bad for whatever reason. It was spontaneous, and I cut myself. It was foolish, and I regret it every minute since. But it caused him to flip out. He well... hurt me to be honest. Since then I've been a complete wreck all around, getting worse and worse. A week ago we broke up to add to all of this. I've fallen into everything possible... Self-injury, drinking, eating disorders, hallucinations getting worse, awful sleeping habits, and I'm so all around depressed I've hardly done anything I used to live by. I haven't played guitar, I haven't taken care of my pets, can't remember the last time I was even on TeenHelp, Haven't written anything, just nothing.

He says we should take a break, to get stable on our own then get back together. For my safety partly, because of how he reacted, and also because we're too "codependent." But me? I can't do this. I'm so frustrated with him. I can't talk to him, but I need to. If he doesn't text me all day, my heart sinks. But if he does I wish he'd never text me again. I want him to show me how much he needs me too, or wants me in his life, but it doesn't seem like he does to be honest.

All of my friends who know the situation tell me I should give myself time to move on, that he was a shitty boyfriend to begin with. And that I deserve better. But really? I don't want better. I want what we were talking about for hours, the future that we planned out together. And yet at the same time I don't want him back. This will just happen again. I'll do something to piss him off, and he'll attack me again. And I'll get hurt, again. I'm so sick of getting hurt by everyone around me, parents, friends, strangers, everyone. I don't ever want to go back to him, but I want him to want me. Make any sense? Because at the same time I want the opposite. I'm all too confused and frustrated at everything...

I am on Prozac, and it was helping at lot at first. Now I don't even know why I take it. I know what few responses I get will just be "Talk to your parents, get professional help."
Honestly? I don't fucking want professional help. I want this all to stop. I want to know someone cares, and I want to die.

Really just ranting at this point... But. Whatever. I don't care much anymore after my life has fallen apart.



Take me seriously.
I dare you.



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Re: Everything falling apart - September 5th 2010, 11:30 PM

Marissa,

Your friends are right that he's shitty for you in the first place. Honestly, I dated a guy for over 3 years, and about a year, maybe 1 1/2 years in, he started getting abusive. Mostly verbal, but occasionally physical. And well, I was naive, stuck with it, thinking it'd get better, but it only got worse. It went from a hard cupping of the mouth when he didn't like what I was saying, to being thrown into the wall. I eventually got myself out, due to help from some good online friends' encouragement.

You CAN do better, and letting someone who doesn't want to help you, but rather hurt you instead, take over your life is no good. I moved on. And well, I went through a couple bad relationships since. I met the guy I'm currently with, who is absolutely amazing, online. We were members of the same forum (not TH, but a Goth forum), we had been talking for years, and well, we had unofficially started dating online. We met in person, things went great, and we're officially dating and happy.

While he was up here for the 2 weeks, at one point we had been bickering (personal issue, heh), and well, I got frustrated since he decided to go to sleep instead of talking to me about it, so I went in the bathroom and cut a few times. The next day, he had touched my shoulder a couple times, and I winced. He found out that night I had cut the night before. I thought he was going to freak, but he didn't. He held me, and told me he loved me.

Anywho, the point of the story is, there is always better out there. You don't HAVE to go through a shit relationship, hoping it will "get better". You can do better!

If you need to talk, don't hesitate to PM me. You can even send me your e-mail address and I can add you on MSN if it'll help.


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
Overall, Dare to be yourself.

Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
The Sophie Lancaster Foundation



   
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