Triggering: Trying to hold on as much as I can.

[Moonlight.]

I'm trying to hold on...I really am. But it seems like every single day is a struggle for me. One thing seems to wreck my mood and blow everything out of proportation for me to the point where I feel like crying. I couldn't care less if I lived or died anymore. I preferably like to be dead cause then I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore. I know people have things worse of for them and I'm just being selfish but it's really destroying me completely. On Sunday, I actually had some confidence in me when that was "checking me out" but now it's all gone. I want to be needed, to be wanted. I want to love and be loved. I just want to be able to talk to someone about how I'm feeling with them knowing EXACTLY how I'm feeling and what I'm going through...but no I don't have that. I want a best friend to let me be able to whine and complain to them anytime of the day and not think I'm being a selfish bitch and telling me that I'm being melodramatic or that I need to get over it. I just feel like I'm going insane with the pain inside of me. I'm sick of people saying "Maybe you should talk to a therapist or someone else about this." It's basically them saying "Fuck off, your being stupid and selfish, I don't understand what your going through so I don't want to talk to you about it." I look around at everyone else and I think to myself "Why can't I be like that? Why can't I truely be happy and not have to put a mask on my face."

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

Seriously, reading this was like reading something that I would have posted. I am feeling the same way at the moment and it sucks. I especially hate how the littlest things can ruin my day and just make me want to cry and what not. But, please hang in there alone with me and I believe that we can and will make it through this.

I think talking to a therapist would be a good idea and I am not telling you that because I don't know what to say. I just know that therapy helps me a bit and I think it could do you some good as well. It really does help to have an objective and caring person to talk to.

Rianna, I think you are needed. You might not be able to see it now but I don't believe that there is not one person out there who doesn't think about you in some way. I bet there is someone out there who thinks "Gosh I hope Rianna is doing okay.' I will be honest and say that maybe this person is not a real life friend but does that matter? I know that when I make a friend on TH and I know they are struggling I think of them. I wish, at times, that I could support them and I am sure some of them feel the same way about me. My point is that just because you may not be able to see people openly caring for you that does not mean it doesn't exist. If you need someone to talk to reach out to me; we can 'whine' together.

And, Rianna, I believe that you can find that best friend that you are looking for. I know I have found a number of good friends and the funny thing is that a year ago I would have NEVER believed someone if they told me it would happen. Keep hanging in there and fighting and it will happen. Do you know of any places in your area that would be a good way to meet people? Do you have friends you can talk to but you are worried they are going to reject you? One of the biggest problems I have when it comes to friendships is my fear of putting too much on them and having them run away. I am slowly working on this and I know that other people have that problem as well. So, if it is a problem of yours try to let your guard down and let people in.

As for wanting to be loved; oh, I know that feeling all too well. I want to fit into someones life and I want them to fit into mine. I want to find that person who will help me fight when I don't feel like it. I want so much but I've realized that I cannot find that until I take care of myself. I think love is waiting around the corner for all of us but I think sometimes we have to go through some challenges before making it to that love. You can make it through that challenge and find the love you want.

Rianna, I really hope that this helped and please take me up on that offer to pm/vm. I know we don't know each other much but I hate to see another person suffering and I would really like to help if I could.

Please hang in there.

Jenna