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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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LittleFish Offline
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It wants me to get it over with... - September 9th 2010, 10:09 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It... That's what I've decided to call my second conscience since I don't know what it is, exactly. I think it might be an alien, or I might have created it... I'm not sure. Anyway. It wants me to kill myself to prove what a failure I am. And if I don't do SOMETHING to punish myself for all of my mistakes, it fills my whole body with this disgusting feeling like nausea that starts in my stomach and spreads through my blood to the places where I cut. The only way to get rid of it is to hurt myself. I'm going to hurt myself today. I can't fight it. I fucked up two tests, and they were big. I'm going to have B's. It can't handle that. I almost threw myself off the stairs at school. I don't want to hear any of that crap about how they're just grades, they don't mean anything, and they probably won't matter in the future. It cares, and I have to live up to It's standards if I don't want It to make me sick.

I think I just need to die. It's the only way to get rid of it. Doctors can't kill It because It won't let me tell them the truth. Only one person knows, and there's not really any way she can help me, either. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. I just want to die and get it over with, because this thing is hurting me too much. And It wants me to do it anyway.
   
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Re: It wants me to get it over with... - September 9th 2010, 10:38 PM

Have you talked to a school counselor? Or heard of the Yellow Ribbon program for suicide prevention? You could get a yellow card and use it to help you with getting help, I have one myself. Maybe you could tell your friend how you're feeling and ask her to let you stay overnight. School is so very frustrating for all of us. I failed my whole year last year so I can relate to your feelings. It seemed like I was this total and complete failure to myself and my family.
Do you have any hobbies or things that you're good at? How about pets?
Try taking a walk; exercise is good for you. Or try eating your favorite meal. I get the cutting thing too, it's become a habit of mine. When I start to feel myself get depressed, I sleep. If I'm sleeping, I can't really think about methods and such. Maybe if you explained your feelings to your teachers, they could give you extra time and assist you in getting your grades up, I did exactly this yesterday. I actually starting crying during math because I felt so stressed. Maybe you could write down all the good qualities about yourself, I'll help you start.

1. I like the blue of your profile pic, did you make it yourself?
2. I like your hair, I'm jealous of it <.< My hair is stringy and icky.
3. You seem to be intelligent and very concerned about your grades, and I think you'll be very successful in life. Maybe you could help tutor me.
   
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Re: It wants me to get it over with... - September 9th 2010, 11:16 PM

Why not have the person you know come into the doctor's with you and be the one to tell them about this thing then?


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
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LittleFish Offline
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Re: It wants me to get it over with... - September 10th 2010, 12:30 AM

Max_99: Thanks, it's nice to know there's someone else out there who gets it... Could you explain to me what a yellow card is? That sounds like it might be a good idea.

ArcAngel: I know I probably should go in to see a doctor, but I'm also very, very afraid... Do you know if I could get involuntarily hospitalized for this?
   
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Re: It wants me to get it over with... - September 10th 2010, 02:27 AM

http://www.myspace.com/yellowribbonsd
   
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Re: It wants me to get it over with... - September 10th 2010, 08:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleFish View Post
ArcAngel: I know I probably should go in to see a doctor, but I'm also very, very afraid... Do you know if I could get involuntarily hospitalized for this?
They can't do anything without your parent's consent, first of all. Second of all, the fact you're able to realize there is something wrong would make them less likely to, I'd believe. Its worth a shot, either way, since you'd end up better in the end, right?


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
Overall, Dare to be yourself.

Stamp Out Prejudice Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere
The Sophie Lancaster Foundation



   
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