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Sad_Lauren Offline
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Name: Lauren
Gender: Female
Location: Maryland, USA

Posts: 29
Join Date: August 26th 2010

I Can't Do It - September 9th 2010, 10:43 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i cant do it anymore. the lies, the fake smiles, the keeping up with everything. im so broken i cant even smile without wanting to scream "How can you not see me!" i cry everytime im alone. which is all the time. singing is meaningless. writing is schoolwork. no one gives a goddamn about me. i keep going through the motions of giving up, killing myself, and what it will be like. i know how to do it. my friends cant help me anymore. cutting is my only escape but im trying to stop. been a few weeks. everything i do is making me think of it. today in class i read part of a story that the teacher gave us. we couldn't look at it or trade. mine was about a man who was depressed and wanted to die and hated everything. i almost lost it. it took all my strength to keep from crying. and after some girls next to me mumbled about how depressed poeple need to die. theyre the third persons to say that in my prescence. im so lost i cant even see whats right. god is a fucking myth. hes dead to me. im so close to commiting suicide of hurting myself beyond belief, the dead would avoid me. i just want out. im done. find my body in the morning because as my teacher said, its only a shell. (not planning it tonight though. maybe at some time when it wont burden my parents.)
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Furubasu Offline
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Name: Jessica
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Location: California

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Join Date: January 5th 2009

Re: I Can't Do It - September 10th 2010, 02:22 AM

I can understand how you feel, but please reconsider. I can't make you do anything, although I wish I could tell you how amazing I think you are. You said you like to sing and write, or at least that you used to, and to me you seem amazingly smart. In this day and age, it's hard to find someone who enjoys such passion-filled tasks like you do. I want you to be able to enjoy these things again.

Depressed people shouldn't die. They should be happy, which sounds like such shit, but is something they probably deserve more than anyone else if they've had to struggle with depression.

I get the fake smiles and the lies, too. It's okay - you don't have to let these things get to you. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that only you can choose how you feel. I refuse to believe she was wrong. Okay, so you might not have chosen to be upset, depressed, or sad, but you can choose to try and be happy, or if not happy, at least okay. Neutral ground is good starting ground. I don't know your situation, I can't tell you if things will get better, but I want them to for you. You can try to make them better, or learn to enjoy where you are. If you really feel things are unenjoyable no matter what - change the place you are. Move schools, move house, move sports, move classes, do whatever it takes.

The body may be a shell, but all shells hold life at one point. I don't care if you think your body is just a shell - don't let it be an empty one. Right now it holds a beautiful and intelligent person who wants things to get better. I hope they can. Please PM me or chat me up anytime if you want to. Although I admit I suck at checking on my profile for things like that, I will never not reply.

Please make a list of all the good things about yourself and why other people have/do like(d) you. Or cared for you. Or loved you. All of those things. If you don't feel that the list is long enough, the items on the list are probably big items. Yesterday I made a list of reasons not to kill myself and reasons why I should. I was going to give up. I ended up talking to my brother... the list of reasons to kill myself was much, much, larger, but the lists on the reasons not to were much more important. (The fact that my brother loves me means more to me than the fact that I'm afraid of the future, etc.) I can't make things okay, but I can help you. Please decide to live. If you need at least one reason to start your list: You haven't made the decision to try and be friends with me yet, and that's just one person you still haven't gotten to know. Please, you don't know what you might leave behind until it's gone.

I either feel like no one cares, and that I should be breaking things, and that everything is falling apart, or that everything is great, and I can do anything, and I really do have friends.

I'm stuck halfway in between.
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