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On the inside; - September 10th 2010, 02:21 AM

I've always felt a little sad or upset but lately it seems to be way worse. I think maybe around the time school started a few weeks ago. I go to school for half the day then to another school to take career center for theater. Lately in that class BB as it's called {{Black Box}}, I've been feeling so down. I guess it would help to mention I'm a very shy person and I think I have very low self-esteem/confidence. Lately when I've been going there and I see everyone laughing/playing/joking around and just having fun it just makes me feel so...low. Because I'm just kinda sitting there watching feeling like I shouldn't/can't join in. I hate myself so much for being shy and having low self-esteem. I feel like I can't talk to my friends. Like I want to tell them how I feel but I feel like I'd be burdening them or something. I feel like it's gotten to that point where 'oh she's upset, when isn't she?' I mean I keep telling myself that I'm not a mind reader and I don't know what others are thinking but it doesn't stop me from making judgments and assuming their thinking the worst about me. I've written a couple notes on facebook which did help a little but now I feel so conscious that my friends read it and will think differently of me. There have been a few times I thought about cutting myself but I've always been too afraid to, which when I'm feeling down it makes me hate myself worse. I really wanna talk to someone but I just feel like I can't and that I don't really have anyone to talk to. I feel like..I don't know I guess I'm scared the few friends I do have will..idk..treat me differently if they find out just how depressed I feel. I'd love to go to counseling or something but I just don't have the money for that. I just feel so stuck with no way out and no one to help.. It's not so much external that's affecting me, I mean it's definitely apart of it but it's a lot more internal than anything.
   
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Re: On the inside; - September 10th 2010, 04:53 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry you are struggling. I know it is hard right now but hang in there because with time things will improve. I think it is great that you have reached out to us here at teenhelp and I hope you continue to do so.

Now, I know that reaching out can be a really hard thing to do but I think you should really give it a try. I also know how it feels to fear reaching out because you worry that people will treat you differently; however, your true friends will treat you the same and love you no matter what. I recently had a friend who found out about my self harm and instead of knocking me or treating me like a needy person he treated me the same. We had a little talk about my self harm but that was it and in reality we have grown closer because of it. The point is, your friends will support you. They might show a little more concern for you at times but they won't disown you or look down upon you, in fact, I think there might be some people who will look up to you because you are taking the proper steps to help yourself.

Here is the thing to remember, if they do not treat you well after you tell them these things then they are not your true friends. I know that is a hard thing to accept and it would be scary but I promise your true friends will come to you with open arms.

As for your self confidence, try replacing those negative thoughts you have about yourself with more positive ones. If there is a voice inside your head telling you that you shouldn't open up because you will embarass yourself, ignore it and tell it 'no I am going to talk so I can make friends. If someone doesn't like what I say oh well.'

I have self confidence issues and I am shy; there are numerous times where I feel like something I said was stupid and in the past that would stop me from saying much. Recently I have started opening up and trying to disregard that voice that tells me I said something stupid. Last night I went to a friends party and there were new people around, I was talking and being myself but it was REALLY hard. I kept thinking that I seemed weird but I pushed on and once again I ended up being told I did really good and have come such a long way.

I don't think our insecurities ever go away. I think we have to work through them and learn to let them go. I think they will always come back up but the stronger we fight them the easier it is to ignore them.

Another thing you can do is try making a list of the things you like about yourself and whenever you are having a negative thought go to that list and repeat the positives about yourself. Working on your self esteem is not going to be easy but it is possible.

I hope this helped and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna


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