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Lycan Offline
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Hello. - September 10th 2010, 05:06 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of substance use, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's been a while since I've posted here. I've made a new account. This is Jer, for the people that don't know that yet, and might remember me. [Cassago, Pink Ranger, Ladies Llama, Eduardo Cullen, Stone Usagi, etc.] That one.

I think it's time I come clean about some things. I've been battling a drug addiction for quite some time. Nothing too serious, but it's still taking over my life..again.

I know that many of you are going to be thinking, "Pot isn't that bad, pot is better than most of the things that are out there in the world." ...And, that might be true, but let me tell you a little bit about it. I smoke it almost every day, I'm an insomniac without it. It protects the people around me when I'm high. Have you ever had to sacrifice something of yourself to keep other people safe? In my mind, that's what love is. I don't show pain, I don't show emotion. There's days I feel like I'm a perfectly built machine, born to function, born to survive, born to excel, and prove people wrong all the time. Do you know how much that burdens, how much that shoves me down? Of course, these are all sober thoughts right now. When I'm high, I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me, and I'm invincible.

Many of you know me, or at least know of me. Maybe that's egotistical to say, but I will be honest with you. I've been around the boards, met a lot of people, became friends with a lot of people. I just feel like I'm not going to be able to see my 21st birthday. It's taking a lot for me to be able to type this up. I'm the kind of person to bottle things inside, never let it come out, until it all goes into a fiery boom of death and destruction and pretty little words that carry a lot of weight where I end up meaning everything I say, and putting a lot of anger behind it.

I won't go too into my life, or my upbringing, but I'll put it like this. My mom smokes too. I've taken pot from her. I've taken money from her to buy it. I do it to protect people. I don't know how much I'm going to have to do to get help when I have to quit smoking it, but I know I can't be sober...I'll hurt people. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of a lot of things, that I don't talk about. I've been through a lot, and honestly, I'm not so sure that I can make it through much more.

Getting high helps with that though, a little bit at least, until you don't get so high. In my life, so far, I've probably spent close to a few thousand dollars, or so, on weed. Maybe something like that. I don't really keep track anymore. I've met a lot of people that I wish I didn't know. Drug dealers, gang members, etc. Most people would think it's fun, but trust me...It's not.

This was more of a vent than anything. Feel free to respond, feel free not to. I don't really mind.

Love you all, thanks for reading.

-Jer.


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so I breathe you in deep.

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Re: Hello. - September 10th 2010, 05:48 AM

Jeremy, I'm glad you typed this out. I had no idea this was going on with you. I know how it is to feel like you have to harm yourself in some way to protect others. I'm also glad you realize this is bad, and that you're admitting you're in need of help or advice.

You're going to be okay. Nobody's going to let you lose yourself. I definitely don't want that to happen, cause you are a great person! I don't truly know you, but you've been around for me, and that shows me you are a good person.

Love you doll. <3
   
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Re: Hello. - September 10th 2010, 08:49 AM

Jer,
Wow. And well, I believe you can become sober. However, that'd probably require the right network, and from the sounds of it, you don't have that readily available. However, I'm hoping someday you will, and that someday you can overcome this, and come out a better person because of it.



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Overall, Dare to be yourself.

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