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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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BlueWolf Offline
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I can't do this anymore... - September 11th 2010, 05:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Life has taken its toll on me, and I just don't want to go on anymore. I've had enough of life. Things build up, and there's nothing that I can do about it. I feel lost, empty, alone, and ready to give up.

I've been having issues in life, and a few with my bf now. I mean... I love him to death, but I don't feel good enough. On top of that, he says he understands me, but I know that he doesn't...

Ever since I was little, I delt with my mom being abusive toward me. She didn't hit me everyday or anything, but there were bad days, and they were bad. Bruises were left and blood was drawn. I tried to go live with my dad, but she cried all the time and told me that she needed me, so I stayed to make her happy. However, in the process I hurt my dad and our relationship has been rocky ever since. He soon married my wicked step-mother who called me names every day when I stayed with him, it was around the time of their divorce that my dad almost completely stopped talking to me, and grew even colder when he met his new gf, an 18 year old girl. Basically, I have no support from either of my parents. My mom has me trapped in her room, wrapped around her finger, and if I don't do what she wants, she'll take away my car, my cell phone, everything I need, and being in college unable to get a job... that would screw me over. My dad says I've hurt him so much, and doesn't really want anything to do with me anymore. He says I've pushed him out of my life, and I've told him that I haven't, that I want him here and that I'm sorry, but he still doesn't want to talk to me. I don't see him on my birthday, nor does he wish me a happy birthday half the time. I ask to see him on holidays and he makes excuses and just goes to see his gf. I feel unwanted, and alone.

I have always had my best friends. They got me through the day when I went home to a rough family life, living just my mom and me. I didn't have any siblings, and dealing with painful days and hurtful words, it was nice to have friends. Of course I hid a lot of pain from them, and never even told them why I refused to eat (started ever since my step-mom started telling me that I needed to lose weight and that I looked disgusting). But, my best friends have all moved away. One even lost her dad and has never been the same. They have both pushed me away, and told me that I'm making it harder for them because I won't let go. How can I when they are all I have left? Basically, no parents, no friends.... what now?

Memories have taken their toll on me as well. I've always thought that if I pretend that they don't exist, then they won't bother me. But I was wrong. I've been in physically abused by exes, and sexually abused, and such things still haunt me. My current bf has lied to me majorly about who he is, and it crushed me. He's amazing to me and all, but... after everything... how can I trust someone who lied? How can I be okay with it and forget about it?

I have no escape, and no one that I can turn to. Everything seems to be slipping from my fingers. I sit alone in my room and pray that my cell will ring, but six hours later, all is silent. I see families together, even if they fight, they are together. I see best friends supporting one another, and lovers protecting each other. I can't help but to feel envious. I hate everything about myself and I have such a build up of anger that I can no longer hold it in.

I've been to psychiatrists, been on meds, been to therapists, and even been hospitalized. I really don't care to keep trying. What's the point in continuing? I'm not getting anywhere in life. I'm running in place, and running out of breath. Can't sleep at night anymore without nightmares or my anxiety keeping me awake.

I'm done with it all. Fuck life.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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*CatchingStars* Offline
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Re: I can't do this anymore... - September 11th 2010, 06:34 PM

i know it must be hard i been thou some of wat u been thou to i understand it hard but you have to be strong i always repeat this in my head when i get down and i think i cant be strong you dont know how strong you are until all u have is to be strong i really dont know wat to say but u just have to try feel welcome to pm me i know how you feel i can relate how much this is hurting i been thou it to




Life is too

Short to spend

It at war with

Yourself.

Iím catching stars in the sky because I am fixing the soul within me. May it be from the heart a girl broke years ago or my soul simply repairing itself as it was shattered on my walk on this earth. May the stardust fill those cracks within my soul making me brand new, but never forgetting who I once was.


   
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BlueWolf Offline
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Name: Jessica
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Join Date: January 14th 2010

Re: I can't do this anymore... - September 11th 2010, 07:36 PM

I'm just tired of having to stay strong.. I really don't want to anymore.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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