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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Zealous Offline
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Unhappy Kinda depressed... - September 12th 2010, 02:15 PM

Um, first off, I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong category! It's my first post and since my problem is making me depressed (I'm not sure about suicidal- I was a bit before but I got myself out of it. I...don't trust anyone enough to talk about it)

Okay...warnings ahead of time: I may sound stupid, selfish, ungrateful and whiny! But please don't give up on me...

I've tried YahooAnswers and getting advice from an online friend going through the same thing on DeviantArt and Facebook, and even discussing this with family, but...

Alright...here's the deal.

Let's start at the beginning. During grade school, my social life was ruined by an ex childhood friend and my grandmother. I had refused to be one of those kids. (won't dive deep into that...) Entering middle school, it got worse and I became bullied (emotionally). Mom took me out after the first semester of sixth grade.

Now, even before this I only ever left the inside of the house for school. My gramma would constantly complain that we were stuck in a prison because we never got to go out. She left us for my aunt so I was alone in the house.

Mom got a good neighbor of ours to tutor me, since she doesn't have time for me...

I could tell with the middle school years I spent with my mentor, even when we enrolled into Cyber Academy and got her niece to do it with us, I really matured from what I was. I lost weight, and my mentality improved. I wouldn't go back to the way I was before for a million bucks or more.

But I was still confined to the house. Whenever mom goes on her frequent business trips she drops me off somewhere but otherwise I never, EVER leave the house. In the years I was homeschooled I only saw two friends, one being my neighbor and one being the niece who does homeschooling with me. I am not allowed to go out and ride my bike or play in the yard. Mom fears something will happen because she's not there.

When she's at home, it's past eight at night and she's too tired for anything, so she sits and watches TV or does work. During the weekend she leaves me to go to her horse (which was originally supposed to be OURS but she hogs him. I never get a chance to ride him because of her.) and I'm stuck at home with nothing to do.

Was it a surprise I gained weight? Not really.

She shipped me off to my relatives in France. It was hell, but I dedicated two and a half months to my life in watching what I eat and exercising but even when I got to be in the normal weight range, I didn't lose up to ten pounds.

I spent another month fasting with my aunt and gramma in South Carolina. In that month we discussed my condition, and I must have forgotten how my mother was because I feel stupid to think she wouldn't yell at me or calmly listen to what I have to say. Or be hypocritical or judgmental.

My family always point out how I can't stand large crowds anymore. One there's a person to much I immediately run back to isolation. I'm constantly tired, and even when I attempt to go out and have a nice time, I'm always checking to see when we go home nervously. Going out and being with people is always to overwhelming. I'm not the chatter box I used to be, and I only show my true colors when constantly provoked into talking.

I've become totally independent without my mom always around. I understand she's a single parent and she usually spends her free time working for my future (she wouldn't take me on vacation and have a good time unless forced by family. she admitted it herself to my face) but she never makes time for me...maybe a nice quiet hour in each other's silence while watching TV or going grocery shopping, but...

I make my own meals, take care of myself, ect. The only thing about me that she participates in is telling me what to do. I swear it. She wants no part in my education, only paying for my tutor. She doesn't pay for college because she believes I can get the Hope scholarship.

With the way she talks to me, I feel extremely pressured. She was originally born into hard times, so I won't say she abuses me, but I will admit physical punishments until bruising or falling down has happened over grades at school. She says it herself that she doesn't trust me...I don't know what I did to make her like that.

She's told me of the past she's had with my father...my father is a horrible man, I've seen it first hand, and I've refraining from saying anything about him because we need to stay low. Getting help about him with the law may alert him we know to much...and I have to protect my half-sisters. They're my responsibilty.

But now I came home, I tried talking with her about going into public highschool calmly. I practiced that speech in front of the mirror for months, and she began screaming at me to shut the fuck up and listen to her because she has things to say. She called me names. she came up with the most ridiculous reasons (like 'boys'. im in an ARRANGED MARRIAGE. as if i have a flippin choice. i can't date, nor want to) and made me burst into tears and forget what I practiced. I couldn't help it and now I feel pathetic.

She says I have a good deal with homeschooling. I am proud to say I have all A's and do AP classes. I got one perfect score on the CRCT and are one of my teacher's star students. But I only see five people during the year. Three are relatives. Two is my friends. She said two is enough. I said I could do AP classes in highschool. She refused.

She finally gave up and said okay, play with your goddamn future and screw it up. I just want to have rights to saying I told you so the minute you regret enrolling in public school.

I couldn't stop smiling.

Then she comes up an hour later with a deal. I have to have all A's this year (no prob) get TWO perfect scores on the CRCT, and lose ten pounds by December and fifteen by June.

I stopped smiling.

Three months until December. I couldn't lose over five pounds in three months in France and South Carolina.

I told her. she said too bad, if I can't prove I have self control I'm not ready for highschool. If I get help from relatives, the deal is off. I can do the school thing. I'm unsure with those pounds.

I told her I would have to become anorexic.

She takes one good look at me before she left this morning for her horse and says, your fat, go ahead, and leaves.

I can tell she's doing everything she can to keep me cooped up in this house. I want to cry and I don't want to cry. I don't want her to win but I don't want to give up. I'm so depressed and lonely, but not ready to give up on life.

Please, just tell me, is it too much of me to ask to go back to public highschool? I...I'm in tears right now. I just need to know. I just need help somehow. Because she's officially shut her ears off. And I'm alone.


My friends are my strength! So please! Be my friend? I'll be the best I can be!
   
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MidnytexRayne Offline
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Re: Kinda depressed... - September 12th 2010, 08:45 PM

First off i cant BELIEVE your mother would ever say 'your fat, go ahead' that is by far the rudest thing any mother would and could ever say to their child.

Secondly, If you feel that Public school is right for you after having been through years of homeschooling, i suggest you sit her down and have a nice, pleasant conversation with your mother, even tho she won't really listen... Just explain to her that you feel its something you need and want to do.. Maybe.. just maybe she'll be willing to let you try it out for a little while, to see if its anything like it used to be when you were there before. [Everyone gets picked on, I used to so i know how that feels]

If she doesn't.. Then perhaps you should try a different approach.. Talk about it with a family member close by [If you have one] and let THEM discuss it with her.

If that doesn't work, i honestly don't know what to tell you.. =/
   
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Talking Re: Kinda depressed... - September 12th 2010, 10:58 PM

Yeah...she isn't the most...helpful when it comes to things like that. She says she knows that she's not the best mom, but...somehow I feel like she doesn't try.

I'll try and sit her down as cautiously as I can. Who knows, maybe I just have to listen to her first. Though, I'm a bit scared for asking with help with relatives. She is insanely jealous of the close relationship me and my aunt have, but my aunt is my closest relative and only one Mom would listen too.

But thanks so much for replying! It's nice to know people out there are nice enough to help


My friends are my strength! So please! Be my friend? I'll be the best I can be!
   
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