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paperthin_hymn Offline
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i want to die - September 12th 2010, 05:05 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I want to die. I moved several states away from home to go to college. This was my dream. Now I'm so homesick I've cried every single night I've been here, over three weeks. I feel like I'm the only person who hasn't made at least one friend. That may not be true, but I'm so fucking lonely I can't stand it. I thought it would be easy to make friends and I haven't made any.

My girlfriend of two years and best friend for more than five years suddenly decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore, which is so painful I can't even describe it in words. We used to talk about getting married and now she decided she cant deal with a long distance relationship anymore. She's the only person I've ever fallen in love with. I get my hopes up every time my phone rings hoping its her apologizing. Sometimes it is her, but she's changed so much I don't recognize her. She used to be so careful about sparing my feelings and now she goes out of her way to hurt me. She doesn't know that she's already killed me.

I've drifted away from all my friends because I focused too much on my relationship and now I have no one. My parents keep bragging to everyone that they're not worried about me being away from home because I'm strong and independent. I can't tell them otherwise. They don't even know I was in a relationship. My family would be so disappointed in me if they knew I was gay.

I'm so alone. I don't want any of this anymore. Last week I got drunk and took too many painkillers. I didn't really think it would kill me but I hoped it would. Some days my body just quits breathing. I just collapse and lay on the floor gasping for breath. I cry so hard I make myself physically sick. I can't get through the day without painkillers to numb the pain. I drink myself to sleep knowing as soon as I wake up, the pain is going to hit me like a brick again. I can't remember the last time I ate. I haven't cut myself in years and now my arms and legs and stomach and every where I can reach are covered in them. I can't stop once I start. All day long I fantasize about killing myself. When I drive sometimes I have to stop myself from driving into the other lane. The only thing that's stopping me is fear. I'm afraid of everything now. I don't know what to do anymore.

Someone please help me, I'm begging. I'm only hanging on by a thread, and it's going to break very soon.
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Re: i want to die - September 12th 2010, 05:52 PM

Talk to someone. Find a psychiatrist or a teacher and talk. Go to the school clinic and talk. I know exactly how you feel. If you can't stay alive for you, do it for you family. Pray, draw, just do anything that will help alleviate the pain, if there is a way. You can get through this. It's gonna be tough, really tough, but believe me, you can get through it.
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Re: i want to die - September 12th 2010, 06:04 PM

Nothing in this world is worth your life! You never know what's just around the corner! I've felt like that before but I hung on because I just knew something good would happen...and it did! It will get better..you just have to believe it will! As for college i'm sure there's other people who are homesick too! Try joining clubs or societies or something like that, you might just meet someone who'll turn your world around. Learn to live for yourself! And remember that things can change in 1 second! You have the power to make yourself happy again..you can do it just hang in there!
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Re: i want to die - September 12th 2010, 07:07 PM

Moving away from home for the first time is extremely hard even more so when your states apart from your loved ones. Sad to say but life changes all the time nothing stays the same. Without trying to minimize your situation you've only been there for 3 weeks. You're still unpacking you bags, are you not? Don't expect to make a best friend in that short period of time, you are right on schedule in the sense that you have meet class mates and people you are interested in. Friendships and relationships are built up over long periods of time.

People get a vibe when they first meet you if your all down and out its going to make it harder for people to figure out who you really are! If on the other hand you are full of life and ready to go out and have a good time laugh and joke, people will respond better to that. No matter what situation or state you might be in just make the best of it. Enjoy being on your own, you're okay to feel homesick that 100% normal just don't let yourself get so worked up that it takes away from your life school experience's and benefits.

Try to keep forced on school, the rest will come.
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Re: i want to die - September 12th 2010, 07:24 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Going away to college can be a big step to take and a scary one and it does take some time to adjust. I would like to encourage you not to give up because things can get better and you can adjust.

You know, most colleges have a counseling center and they help people who are struggling with adjusting to college life; maybe you could consider that. It will give you someone to talk to for a bit and they might be able to help you figure out ways in which to adjust.

As for friends; have you thought of joining clubs at your school? That is a great way to meet people who have some of the same interests as you. I know I am strongly considering joining a club at my school. It is kind of a scary step to take but it could prove really beneficial.

As for your girlfriend; I am sorry that all of that happened and I know right now you are heartbroken but you can heal. It will take time but it can happen. I had a friend who was in a relationship for four years and it brok off a year or so ago and he is slowly healing from it. Healing from a break up takes time but it can happen. Don't stop yourself from healing and moving on. I know it might seem impossible now but you can fall in love again. It will probably take time but don't hold yourself to one person because then you could miss out.

As for your parents; is there anyway you could speak to them about being homesick? Let them know that you are struggling and just ask them for support? Maybe they can do little things like send you cards or talk to you on the phone every night or email you until you adjust. You should not have to go through this alone. Your parents are probably proud of your decision to go away to college but that does not mean they would be disappointed if you let them in on your feelings.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.


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