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Relationships, friendships, and everything else going to hell for me, deep depression. - September 14th 2010, 12:22 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am 20 years old, and currently in a deep state of depression, though not suicidal, nor self harming, I still am having lots of trouble dealing with my life right now, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post as my problems deal with a wide range...

so anyways, my life had a lot of work to be done but I was right at the edge of where I wanted to be, I've never wanted to be famous or rich or anything like that, I've always been the type to just go for enough money to survive comfortably and what I've always really wanted was just the one girl to love and be with, you know?

so I turned 20 on the 15th of august, should've been a nice happy week and time for me, but it turned out into being the worst time of my life. On the 18th my girlfriend/first love/fiancee who lived with me (with my parents currently while we were saving for our own place slowly and looking for jobs, which is another completely different and long story of my life which I may get into later) just up and left out of nowhere, I got a ride to the store to grab some things I was only gone about 2 hours, I get back and find the ring I got her and a note saying "couldn't do it anymore" on my desk, turns out she left for a different city with her bestfriend and gave me some BS reason that she still loved me but she felt the best years of her life were being wasted in this town, which I don't get because she'd only just be turning 19 this november, and me and her had already had plans to be out of here very soon, but shes always been flakey with the relationship (shes left me 3 times before this) but I know this one is for good and thats what hurts the most.

So during this time with her I lost all of my friends, I'd given up countless things for her, guitars and amps and my music which was something I loved just so I could afford to do things for her or so me and her could go out because I was (and still am) having trouble finding a job. I did everything I could to keep her happy and in the end I get screwed without even the heart to tell me shes leaving face to face, or on the phone or anything. This is when my depression started kicking in, which is something I've been dealing with all my life but never this bad before, but I try to make the best of things.

So here I am after all this I have 3 friends, all 3 I know through her, but we're still friends, because they mostly agree what she did was BS, so I'm doing ok I'm getting out, I'm doing things, keeping my mind busy you know? so after a little while of hanging out with this one girl I was/am friends with (not sure anymore you'll see why) me and her started to like each other, I started feeling better, me and her were hanging out a bit, things moved too fast though, we ended up dating for about 2 weeks and she left me saying she wasn't ready for a relationship, but I'm not sure thats the real reason, I really was starting to like this girl a lot though, so that just added more to my depression and my horrible life so far, plus I'm not even sure if me and her are even really still friends anymore or where we stand, one day me and her were hanging out at her house and she was still acting all affectionate and like we were together, the next she was all pissy and just hanging out like friends but she kisses me before she left? wtf? so I have all of that confusion on top of the depression... which just adds more problems, I'm constantly having anxiety attacks and panic attacks and whatever else, I can't sleep well, and my whole life has been down hill.

Honestly I've got myself down deep into everything, I can't escape this, I just want this one thing in life is that so much to ask for me to be happy? On top of all of that I lost my one job prospect, I don't have my license yet or a car and my life just seems completely worthless right now.

I've been smoking so many cigarettes lately, plus I hate staying sober, which is something that I've always been known for, to be against alcohol and drugs and I've broken my own morals and values because of all this, I just don't know what to do anymore.
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hhx66 Offline
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Re: Relationships, friendships, and everything else going to hell for me, deep depression. - September 14th 2010, 12:39 AM

and to add to all of this, I just don't see my life going anywhere now, I hate being alone, but it seems I will be alone forever, and I just can't escape this nightmare, how much can one person take? I already have a lot of health problems and now I have even more emotional problems and depression, how much can anyone possibly expect one 20 year old to take on in life? seriously?
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