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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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LittleFish Offline
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Why does it matter? - September 15th 2010, 08:10 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Honestly, why does it matter if I kill myself? I feel like I'm a waste of space and air. I'm too pathetic to make myself better. I complain that I have only a few friends, but then I can't go out and make new ones. I complain that I can't control my SH, but then I lie to my counselor about it. People keep expecting me to be strong and make myself better, but I really just don't feel like it anymore. You can ditch class if you don't want to go. You can reject homework if you don't feel like doing it. Well, I'm done with life. Why is it such a goddamn crime if I decide I don't want to do it anymore?

Everyone expects me to get better and change and do all this shit. All I do is sit around and feel sorry for myself and put on more weight. I'm not complaining. I'm really not. I know I'm doing this to myself. But the thing is, I don't care. I don't even want to get better anymore, because I know I'm too lazy and weak to do it. It's true, sometimes I have good days. But being happy won't erase all of my problems. They're always going to be there, and I'm too pathetic to sort them out myself. I'm done. I really don't see any point in living. I'm never going to fall in love or get married or have a good career because I'll always be holding myself back. Again, I'm not complaining. I know that I'm setting myself up for failure by saying these things and being so negative. I know that all I have to do to fix it is change the way I think. The thing is, I'm too lazy to do that. I don't even know why I'm posting this. No one's going to read it.

I just want to know why it's important that I don't kill myself if all I'm going to do is lie around feeling sorry for myself until everything falls apart. I've never been a good friend to anyone. People have said they love me, but I don't think they really mean it. I only do well in school because I'm embarrassed by failure. I can't write music or poetry anymore. I'm pretty sure I get on my friends' nerves. I don't see why I even need to be here. I'm sick right now, so I can't carry out my suicide plan. But as soon as I'm better, I'm going to go find some remote place and slit my wrists until I die from losing too much blood.
   
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Re: Why does it matter? - September 16th 2010, 01:40 AM

Please don't give up. I'm in the EXACT same position. Today I had 3 teachers pull me out of class to talk to me/question me about how I don't seem to have any friends and I'm giving up on myself. They think I'm preparing for suicide. I thought that I was doing a bit better these days, but I guess not. And then, my friend tells me I'm not important enough to keep a promise to. The guy whom I would have walked through fire and back for broke up with me. I feel like shit, and yet I still have to find the motivation to keep going.
I don't know if you have any hobbies in particular, but I think you should try to join some groups. Maybe you could join a book club, study group, anime club, soccer team, and if you're concerned about your weight, a gym. I'm terrible in gym because I'm overweight and I feel sick to my stomach each day we go there. Not to mention that I have much larger breasts than the rest of the girls and they all tease me about it. (Over the shoulder-boulder-holder, anyone?) So it's hell at school. And then I come home where my mother and her husband are there and find something to complain about. I feel disgusted with myself so much.

The thing i'm trying to say is that you aren't alone. If you want, I'll give you my cell phone number and we can talk. Or skype, if you like. I really do hope you get better.
<3
   
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LittleFish Offline
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Re: Why does it matter? - September 16th 2010, 11:33 PM

Hey. I just wanted to say thanks for your post. Most of the time when people try to relate to me by sharing their issues, it bothers me, but for some reason, this doesn't bother me. Your post actually made me feel a bit relieved, in an odd sort of way. I'm glad that I'm not alone. I totally know what you mean about feeling disgusted with yourself, and the issues with your weight (and breast size .) I'd like to maybe keep in contact, but I can't disclose my phone number. I also don't have skype... But if you want to try PM's or something, that could work. We could try to help each other if you want. It sounds like we feel the same way about a lot of things.
   
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Re: Why does it matter? - September 17th 2010, 02:57 AM

No problem about disclosing the phone number and such, but sure, I'd love to be friends. I'll PM you in a moment. I COMPLETELY understand the getting irritated by people trying to "relate" to you. 99.9% of the time it seems like this:

Me: "I just feel like I'm crying for no reason. It's like my world is crashing down."

Friend: "Yeah, I totally know how you feel. I felt that way when my team lost the football game.

Me: "This is a bigger issue than football..."



Sorry for the lame example, but I'm sure you understand what I mean. I hope I helped you out to get you through the day I don't know about you, but I feel really awkward when someone compliments me; I'm not used to it.

Or another thing is that I have had bad acne since about fourth grade <.< Early bloomer.

So, today a guy said "Hey, your face has really cleared up. You don't have pimples anymore."

The fact that he complimented me felt awkward, but I got most depressed because he said it in a rude way. I hope you feel better, keep hope, LittleFish x) I love that name by the way
   
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