Triggering: WHY?!

[Metal♥Lover]

Why is it that I don't even feel like I have control over my own body anymore?!

Yesterday I made a thread in the Good Days board stating that I would stop being sad, get up and do something about it, eat healthy and excersize, quit SH and so forth...but now I'm stuck here saying "Well, so much for that!" I was feeling great about myself for the few hours after I posted the thread yesterday, but around four or five hours after, I began to feel hopeless and desperate again. I tried my very hardest to fight off these negative emotions, but I wasn't strong enough...depression beat me and won control over me yet again. I slipped up on my plan to quit SH and made yet another cut on my arm at around 9:00PM last night just out of pure anger that I wasn't strong enough to beat my depression for even five hours. Now I feel even worse than before, knowing that I have let so many people down who were so happy for me when I told them I would be kicking depression to the curb and taking back control of my life. I was so stupid to think I could do this. So, so stupid.

And to make matters worse, I'm almost for sure that my parents are going to be drinking yet again tonight. My mom is at my grandma's house up in Muncie doing odd jobs for her, and my grandma is going to pay her which means my parents will have money for some whiskey and beers. You may think this isn't such a big deal, after all my parents are legal adults and they can drink whenever they feel like doing so. However, this is a HUGE deal to me because everytime my parents drink, all hell seems to break loose. One of three things always ends up happening when my parents drink: either 1.) My parents fight with each other and I have to isolate myself in my room to avoid any possible conflicts, 2.) My mom tries to start shit with me and we end up getting into it very badly while my dad tries to seperate us and fails, or 3.) My parents play music very loudly from the family computer and fight about who gets to play which music (my mom hates metal, but my dad loves it) which results in things getting thrown across the room, constant yelling and more than likely, there will be shards of broken glass littering the floor and I would step on one by accident and cut my foot open with it. When they drink, the whole house reeks of beer and pot smoke and the stench just makes me gag. I always have to spray perfume in my room when this happens, otherwise all of my clothing would start to smell like pot smoke which would make people at school think I'm the one smoking it. Well gee, my clothes already smell like fucking ciggarette smoke. I've already had people ask me if I had been sneaking smokes into the girls' bathroom via my purse and was lighting up. You could only imagine the kind of undeserved trouble I would get into if I went to school smelling like POT SMOKE. People, come on, this is a HUGE deal! And please, PLEASE don't make the suggestion that I should call Child Services because I am not going to be put into foster care and move from house to house and visit stranger to stranger until someone decides that I'm lovable enough to adopt. You might think I would have a better life that way, but I wouldn't. My life would just be much worse. I would be away from all of my friends and my family. I would be truly alone. Keep in mind, I don't make friends all that easily and a foster family IS NOT a REAL family. Ugh. So much ranting I have done here. You all probably lost me when I got halfway into my first paragraph, which proves all of this other shit to be pointless. Just like my life. POINTFUCKINGLESS.

Anyway...it's safe to say that I will probably never reach happiness as long as I continue living this way in this horrid kind of environment. Please...whatever you do, do NOT tell me to be strong, or to keep on truckin', or to turn to God for help, or to get counseling or therapy, or to try and reason with my parents, or to confide in a friend or trusted adult, or to just talk to somebody, or to write my feelings or blah, blah, blah. I've done all of these things AND THEN SOME. Nothing has fucking worked, or even slightly helped. The only thing that has ever made me feel even slightly better is cutting myself, which I will continue to do by the way. Because it's the only thing that makes me feel even remotely good. No, I don't have any hobbies that make me happy and no, I don't plan on finding any because it would be a pointless thing to do being as I already know it would not help at all. No, excersize would not make me feel good, it would just make me tired and sweaty and disgusting. I'm done. This is my breaking point. I can't go on anymore, nor will I try to. You might be tempted to tell me that you understand how I feel, but I know better. You do not understand how I feel and you do not know what I am going through, not unless your situation is exactly like mine. I was so very stupid to think that I could overcome all of this shit...four hours and I had already broken into peices again, cut again, cried into my pillow again. Wrote another morbid suicide poem, then ripped it into shreds, then got out another peice of paper and wrote another one, then ripped that one up and tossed it as well. Sat on my bed, thought hard, couldn't think of any valid reasons why I should still be living. Then I sat on my bed, thought hard again, and I could think of many valid ways of how I could kill myself. Rummaged through my notebooks until I found the one that contained the rough draft of my suicide letter. Cried into my pillow some more. Realised that I do want to live, I just don't want to live like THIS, all low and worthless. Sat on my bed, thought hard, couldn't think of any valid ways of how I could climb out of this deep, dark hole. Cried into my pillow again. Cut. Cried myself to sleep. Had nightmares. Woke up this morning with a killer headache. And here I am once again, back to complain about my miserable life. I'm disgusting. And to think I could be happy again!

Depression sure did show me, huh.

[Max_99]

Hey, come on now, mistakes are okay. Depression is a tough thing to beat, and the parents drinking and fighting (creating conflicts), Oh yeah, I know. I hate it too. But my mother and her husband don't want to quit.

If you're really 13, you're very smart, it seems. You're literate and seem to have a hold on what needs to be done, you just haven't been able to completely get it yet. You're taking steps by admitting the issue and knowing what needs to happen.

Keep trying, and if you want, I'll help if I can. PM me! <3

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

Hey, come on now, mistakes are okay. Depression is a tough thing to beat, and the parents drinking and fighting (creating conflicts), Oh yeah, I know. I hate it too. But my mother and her husband don't want to quit.

If you're really 13, you're very smart, it seems. You're literate and seem to have a hold on what needs to be done, you just haven't been able to completely get it yet. You're taking steps by admitting the issue and knowing what needs to happen.

Keep trying, and if you want, I'll help if I can. PM me! <3

Thank you so much.

I know mistakes are okay, but I still can't help feeling bad about everything. My mom knows I cut and I know it hurts her when I hurt myself, or at least it does when she's sober. I bet she will be so ashamed of me once she finds out that I cut again last night while she was away. That would just make me feel worse about myself, knowing that my own mother is too ashamed of me to even look me in the eye.

My parents don't want to quit either. They aren't even willing to quit for my sake and that makes me feel less worthy of their love because they would rather drink and cause me pain than to be sober and make me happy. I feel like I deserve to be cut up, and since nobody else wants to do it, I do it myself.

And yes, I am really 13. Soon to turn 14, actually. This November. I'm glad your not one of the people who acts like they should expect less of me because I'm 13. I appriciate that.

But the truth is, I've done everything I know to do to get rid of this depression and nothing worked. I don't know any other options. It's obvious my problems with my home life will never be sorted out until I turn 18 and can leave, but I can't wait that long. I just can't.

[Max_99]

No problem! Feel free to PM me

I SH too, nobody really knows. I don't cut enough to make me bleed, but I scrape until my arms are red and sting. About a year ago, I had a WHOLE ENTIRE 3 subject notebook dedicated to my own poems/letters about suicide. My mom found the notebook and read all of it. She bawled and I had never felt so ashamed in my life. I wanted to go drown.

Remember, she is the adult. She is the one who deals with her money that way. I don't know if she smokes too, but my mother and her husband do. When they drunk enough, her husband and I can't get along and we fight. Then my mom gets upset and we all end up in a fight. Nobody feels good afterward. I wish they would stop so that we could have extra money and things like that, but I'm not the boss.

Do you have any hobbies? Writing, reading, playing guitar, skateboarding, swimming, video games, reading, etc? Maybe you could join some clubs like that to try to distract yourself and keep you busy doing something you enjoy. Personally, I like sleeping and horses, so when I get upset or depressed, I either take a nap or go spend time with my horse.

Try to ignore what your parents are doing. Maybe you could write in a journal or something. I sent you a PM, I'd love to talk more. You seem cool ^_^

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

No problem! Feel free to PM me

I SH too, nobody really knows. I don't cut enough to make me bleed, but I scrape until my arms are red and sting. About a year ago, I had a WHOLE ENTIRE 3 subject notebook dedicated to my own poems/letters about suicide. My mom found the notebook and read all of it. She bawled and I had never felt so ashamed in my life. I wanted to go drown.

Remember, she is the adult. She is the one who deals with her money that way. I don't know if she smokes too, but my mother and her husband do. When they drunk enough, her husband and I can't get along and we fight. Then my mom gets upset and we all end up in a fight. Nobody feels good afterward. I wish they would stop so that we could have extra money and things like that, but I'm not the boss.

Do you have any hobbies? Writing, reading, playing guitar, skateboarding, swimming, video games, reading, etc? Maybe you could join some clubs like that to try to distract yourself and keep you busy doing something you enjoy. Personally, I like sleeping and horses, so when I get upset or depressed, I either take a nap or go spend time with my horse.

Try to ignore what your parents are doing. Maybe you could write in a journal or something. I sent you a PM, I'd love to talk more. You seem cool ^_^

Hey, thanks again for replying

I didn't know you SHed too. However, unlike you, I always make sure that I bleed even if it is a little bit because I love bleeding. I know this sounds extremely graphic and I'm sorry if it triggers you, but seeing my own blood...well, it...calms me. It makes me feel like I'm the one that has the control and it feels good. No, it feels great. Amazing. Wonderful. Completely exhilerating. I can't get enough. I too write morbid suicidal poetry and stories in my notebooks. It used to be a great release for me, but now it does nothing. Thankfully, neither of my parents know about my notebooks or what I write about in them. With the kind of things I write about in my notebooks, my parents would be scared to death of me if they ever read it.

And yes, I know my parents are going to do what they want whether it hurts me or not. They drink because they like to do it and they don't care that it makes me cut myself. Well, my mom doesn't anyway. My dad doesn't know anything about me. I also wish my parents would stop so we could have the extra money. We're always short on cash because of their addiction. I was barely able to get the school supplies I needed for this year because we didn't have any money due to my parents' drinking.

And yes, I do have hobbies. I like to read and write but that is it. My school doesn't have any clubs for those though, and I wouldn't be able to stay after school anyway because I have to ride the bus or I'll have to walk around 10 miles to get back home.

And what my parents do can't be ignored. Matter of fact, it's always thrown up in my face. "Oh, poor girl. Your parents are those alchoholics aren't they? Poor girl..." I hate that people sympathize for me but they won't do anything to help me.

[Max_99]

I understand, totally. I scrape to make myself.....well, I don't know. Just to make myself feel something other than the hurt or pain. I've tried to get deep enough to bleed, because I want to feel so good like others do, but in the end I know that I shouldn't.

You seem to have a situation similar to a friend of mine. Have you considered talking to a counselor? Maybe you could try to find an AA meeting locally for your parents to attend. Those might help.

Does your town hold any writing clubs? Or does your local library (if you have one) have any sort of book clubs?

Try www.meetup.com and see if you can find anything

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

I understand, totally. I scrape to make myself.....well, I don't know. Just to make myself feel something other than the hurt or pain. I've tried to get deep enough to bleed, because I want to feel so good like others do, but in the end I know that I shouldn't.

You seem to have a situation similar to a friend of mine. Have you considered talking to a counselor? Maybe you could try to find an AA meeting locally for your parents to attend. Those might help.

Does your town hold any writing clubs? Or does your local library (if you have one) have any sort of book clubs?

Try www.meetup.com and see if you can find anything

Hi, thanks for replying back again

I can relate to you alot on the SH thing. Trust me, the bleeding feels good for a little bit but you feel like a peice of shit afterwards because you feel you've let your friends and family down by harming yourself.

I've already been to a counselor...didn't work. The counselor turned out to be my 6th grade teacher's father-in-law which made things waaay uncomfortable, and besides, my parents kept canceling my appointments with him for some reason, which I found odd. I guess they didn't want me telling him about their alchoholism, which I understand, but they could have at least been open with me about it. And about the AA meetings, my parents wouldn't go because they don't want to get help. They just don't want to quit, as I've said earlier.

And about my town holding a writing club, no my town does not have one of those. If it did I wouldn't be able to get where it's at because my parents have no car (another result of always being short on cash due to their addiction). My local library does have a book club, but the library is a far walk away.

[Max_99]

Aha I see. You're just in a bad place too, huh

Honestly, I hated talking to a therapist. Yet at the same time, I wanted to go to one so very badly. I don't know about you, but I'm the semi-cocky type that tends to think they have all the answers. So the way he was trying to tell me I was wrong about the way I was thinking made me feel so very angry:

Him: "Well, isn't it only fair that your mom get to love another man again?"

Me: "Yeah, but what about me? I'm the CHILD. I'm a young child at that. And shouldn't I come first? If I'm at a place in my life where I'm thinking suicide over this man, isn't that wrong? Shouldn't he leave us alone since I'm dying over him; dying for him, even?"

Him: "Well, no. Because she is your mother. Why don't you try to embrace his company and enjoy what he has to offer?"


Anyway, it was just a really awkward situation. Maybe you could try the meetup.com site and see if you find anyone locally to hang out with Or you could just hang out here with me *would like this*

[Thirteen]

Just wanted to let the both of you know, I'm so proud of you both for being so supportive of one another. And, you should both probably take advantage of this. Keep in mind, people who have an understanding of what one another is going through can help each other better.

I wish the best to both of you.

[Max_99]

ArcAngel, the reply was appreciated

[Metal♥Lover]

Yes, ArcAngel, your reply was deeply appriciated at that

And Max_99, your therapist sounds like a very heartless person, no offense. If you flat-out told him that you were suicidal over your step-father, he should have at least shown some concern and tried to help you instead of blowing off your feelings like that. I personally harbor a strong dislike toward people like your therapist that think that just because they're adults, minors should bow down to them regardless of how hurt they may be feeling. I hope you have stopped seeing that therapist as he seems to be no help to you.

[Max_99]

I have stopped seeing him; I've stopped seeing a human therapist all together. I wish I could find a better one. My horse seems to be the best therapist at this point along with music.

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

I have stopped seeing him; I've stopped seeing a human therapist all together. I wish I could find a better one. My horse seems to be the best therapist at this point along with music.

Ugh, I know exactly what this feels like. My notebook and my music are my best therapists at the moment. Be glad your "therapist" is at least a living animal. Mine's just a book with peices of paper in it.

[Max_99]

I had to see a therapist today, she was so very annoying -_-

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

I had to see a therapist today, she was so very annoying -_-

I read your thread. Sounds like she isn't helping either. :/

[Max_99]

Its irritating :I I feel blah right now. My head hurts, I'm sweating, I'm shaking, and I've got a stronge urge to cut but I'm trying to control myself and not do it. Not to mention I can't find my tool -_- Those dang things are so easy to lose.

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

Its irritating :I I feel blah right now. My head hurts, I'm sweating, I'm shaking, and I've got a stronge urge to cut but I'm trying to control myself and not do it. Not to mention I can't find my tool -_- Those dang things are so easy to lose.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad. :/
To be honest, cutting isn't satisying me anymore and I don't know why. SH used to make me feel amazing. But I tried cutting myself earlier only to feel nothing...not I have nothing to make me feel better now.

[Max_99]

I get what you're saying =/

I'm trying to think of something to say that will make us both feel better, but I can't seem to.

Do you have any favorite movies or favorite songs?

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

I get what you're saying =/

I'm trying to think of something to say that will make us both feel better, but I can't seem to.

Do you have any favorite movies or favorite songs?

Yes, but they don't make me feel better.

[Max_99]

Ahh I see. Too bad we can't hang out or something =/

Maybe you could try drawing?

[Metal♥Lover]

Originally Posted by Max_99

Ahh I see. Too bad we can't hang out or something =/

Maybe you could try drawing?

I used to draw, but depression has stolen all of my inspiration, so when I go to draw I can't think of what to draw and I get frustrated and feel worse off than before.

[Max_99]

Draw me a picture

[Susurrous]

Oh my god you are thirteen...sorry I know this isn't the type of reply you are looking for but you have a really bright future solely based on the wisdom you posses. Though I can't really talk about what wisdom is since I'm sixteen

Your problems seem to stem from your home life, so make it a point to be away from home during the day. It's a good idea to start by pursuing clubs and hobbies you enjoy, doing homework at the library...around sane people where you don't have the opportunity to pass time by cutting. Also, it seems like you are setting unrealistic goals for yourself. Humans are very much attached to their habits, and to wake up one day and turn your entire life around will only cause disappointment every time. Take things one at a time...first try quitting SH, then begin to eat healthy, then start to exercise, etc. Segmenting your goals into little pieces will do a whole lot of good. I wish I could take my own advice but I can't...this is what happens every day to me. I tell myself every night that tomorrow is a new day and that I can become a more proactive person who will read and write and exercise when I get home from school the next day but it never happens. It's because I don't have a schedule for myself and I don't set plausible goals for myself. And if you slip up a day, so what? You may have days, after thinking that all your problems have gone away, where you vegetate or you SH, but don't beat yourself up over it. It's a process...watch for improvements in your life every day. I have tried to get my life perfectly organized for a year now, and while things have been coming along slowly, things have been coming along. Do what you can, the entire forum is here to support you. And you can PM if you'd like! Sorry if this all doesn't make sense, I tend to ramble...you sound like a total sweetheart, I hope everything goes well for you.

[Max_99]

That was fantastic advice Much better than I could give.

[Susurrous]

LOL Max I practically copied everything you said. Your words and MetalLover's words really inspired me so I posted that message as advice for MetalLover and myself at the same time (my mind becomes so mixed up with loud, ambivalent thoughts that my only way of really sorting them out is by writing them down). So thank you!

[Max_99]

Hehe I think you did better at putting it into words than I did ^_^ I'm terrible at wording things lol

[Susurrous]

Naw you sound great when giving advice, I could use a few pointers from you.

It's funny because we are talking in two different threads...

[Max_99]

Haha it is indeed.