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CitizenErased Offline
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Question The most annoying, and confusing problem - Nowhere else to run. - November 22nd 2010, 06:27 PM

It seems like after a month in a Psychiatric unit, 2 types of medication and days of talking to professionals hasnt helped. The doctors thought my problem could've been Depression or Psychosis. They concluded that it probably wasnt Psychosis coz i didnt have hullucinations. Even so, they gave me medication and surprise surprise, nothing changed.

The two medication treatments were Fluoxetine 20mg Anti-Depressants and 1mg Risperidone Anti-Psychotic Drugs

I think that my problem is that I dont know what my problem is. Even though that doesnt make sense, I think that the paradox describes how I feel. I go through a day thinking of how good the past has been. I think about great memories but I get low coz i know i could never re-live those moments. I have nothing to look forward to.

Iv ran away from home and self harmed once. Self harming releases endorphins or whatever and blah blah blah, but i dont know why i did it. Just before i did it, I think to myself "Why am I doing this". Yeah I feel so sad, but it just doesnt make sense.

I hated it in Psychiatric Hospital. I lied to get out. In there, i didnt have family or friends. I told them that they did a great job and i was feeling alot better. I was discharged last week. I learned alot from being there, but it hasnt helped with my problem.

I felt i had to exaddurate my problem in order to get sufficient help, but then i lie to get out of the help i originally wanted. Tomorow I go for a review meeting where my family, teachers and all my doctors and me meet together for 3 hours and decide what is going to happen to me in the future is. The problem is, I cant miss anymore school. Im already doomed for failure in my GCSE's and if I fail my GCSE's I will feel even lower and I wont be able to get a job which means i wont be able to buy the things i want which means i will feel even lower. I dont know what to fucking do. This is such a fucking ridiculous situation - I cant survive life in full time care and I cant stand life with part time care.

Whenever I try to tell someone about my problem, I end up twisting it so its not quite true. I cant ever tell someone what the ACTUAL problem is. And even if i did tell someone the truth (which is not possible) i would feel absolutely shit coz i would feel i have no secrets, or nothing that only i would know about myself. I need my own secrets. It would feel like they own my soul almost. Iv tried to give you a good enough picture with this, but its taken me a whole 2 days to write. Im the only one with this problem, I promise. Sorry its so long as well. I just hope someone can give me a good idea of what to do now.

Im also addicted to caffeine. I love caffine, it makes things feel better. It gives me a cheeky grin. I would drink, but i cant get alcahol anywhere. I like not being a nice person sometimes. Im not a bully, but i just love out-smarting people. I smash things that dont belong to me. I annoy people for my own entertainment. I do all this to an extent that I know is just about not bad enough to get into trouble. Just thought id add that, it could be important.

So here is my problem in brief. What can I do?


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Last edited by CitizenErased; November 22nd 2010 at 06:45 PM.
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Re: The most annoying, and confusing problem - Nowhere else to run. - November 22nd 2010, 10:57 PM


Just because the medicines haven't worked yet does not mean they cannot start working. It can take a while for medicines to build up in the body and it can take a while for doctors to find the proper medicine to fit a certain person. I think that is the hardest part about struggling with depression; the waiting game. But continue waiting because things can improve and the waiting will be worth it.

I really think you need to try and reach out to people. Be completely honest so that they can help you. If you are not honest with the people in your life they are not going to be able to help you. I know how hard it can be to let go of your 'secrets' but you need to. You need to let other people in so that you can get the help you deserve. The more the people in your life know the better able they can help you.

I would also suggest that you keep a journal. I know that might not sound all that cool but journaling is a great way to get your emotions out and it can help put things in perspective. You are struggling to figure out what is wrong with you and journaling could help you with that. It is a slow process but journaling is a great way to assess your life and figure out what the problems are.

I really hope this helped and if you need anything please feel free to pm me.


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annoying, confusing, depression, depression lost, problem, psychosis, run, self harm, suicide

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