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johndoe16 Offline
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It's kind of ironic. (warning: strong language and wall of text await ye who enter) - November 28th 2010, 10:31 PM

Originally, back in grade school that is, I was the short fat kid who everyone could get a jab at. 7th grade I finally started to grow, and by the end of eith I was the 3rd tallest in the school, including teachers. Come high school, nobody dares fuck with me because by then I'm topping 280 and 6'2. Add my tired eyes, rumbly voice, abundance of facial hair, shaggy head hair, and weird tendencies (strange sense of humor, defending anonymous people, and listening to weird music), and I suddenly become that lone wolf kind of cool who doesn't need to go to parties to still have fun and doesn't smoke in the alley. Truth is, I hated it. Yet miraculously before even November was over, this amazing girl starts talking to me out of nowhere. She's real pretty, likes to hug me (NEVER happens otherwise), WANTS to be around me, thinks I"m attractive (holy shit!), is more adorable than a puppy in a party hat crying for it's mommy, and best of all, loves me. Up until then, I had honestly never felt loved. I had loved before (girl who was nice to me when everyone else wasn't who then moved away, cute girl who talked to me the year after the 1st girl moved away. but that's all another story.) but had never felt it mutually. naturally, i was hooked. Unfortunately, I botched it up. before I knew her, I had been a compulsive liar to get people to like me even just a little bit. I didnt realize i was doing it until it was about 3/4's of a year later. I thought of her dying and loving me because of a bunch of lies. Thus I confessed to her not 2 days later. since then I haven't been braver and probably never will be due to the magnitude of such a thing. I hate it when people say stuff like this but: Only another ex-compulsive liar could probably understand. Wanna' know how much ass she kicks? SHE FORGAVE ME THAT SAME NIGHT AND SAID SHE SAID SHE "understood perfectly fine ". HOLY FUCKING BURNT BATMAN ON A STICK. (why was i thinking of her death you ask? at least twice before the previously mentioned incident, I had to talk her down from suicide. not fun. but again, thats another story.) Looking back on it, I don't know how I didn't realize it, but she slowly started to not kiss me as much and I was always the one to hug her, not the other way around. needless to say, that Christmas break she said that "if it was ok with [me], [she] want[ed] to break up. The romance is gone." I don't get what she meant by that last part, but isn't she a sweety? I said yes because I didn't want to make her do anything she didn't want to do. Afterwards, I was stupid and continued acting like we were together just without kissing or sex. then comes summer before junior year (this year). I'd been doing this thing where when I was feeling lonely (way too often for anyones mental health) or like she might've "done something stupid" or been run over or kidnapped or some other stupid paranoid shit, I would call her about 10-20 times. Like a complete dumbshit, I didn't realize the pattern (she also hadn't been returning texts or emails to often) and just kept doing it. one summer night when I hadn't heard from her at all the whole day, I got really worried and ended up calling her cell about 16 times/until I got desperate enough to call her house. she picked up and sounded very irritated (NOT like her at all) and very brisk and almost cynical (not blaming her for that, hell that's what Im known for) but it wasn't like her at all). She scoffed at me (what the fuck) and we had a brief discussion over aim and she said she'd have to cut contact for a while until she "got over a grudge against me". I really wish I knew what that grudge was because I want to help her with it, but at the same time I fault her for keeping crucial emotions bottled up so much. She said she didn't know how long she would take, then I said that if there's ever anything she ever needed I would help. Then she would reply to a text or an email every once in a while and its stopped for a while now. Since then a few other things have started up in my crazy fucking head: 1. Paranoia of the "shes flirting to spite me" type (yet i have absolutely no evidence of that), 2. I've had swinging emotions towards her, like spite, absolute devotion, lust, affection, and a multitude of others, 3. I've heard her more than before when she wasn't there. I've never been the most mentally healthy when it comes to whats not there, but it gets really serious with her. I hear her screaming in walls or the next room or beneath the ground or in the trunks of cars. I feel her gentle touch when I close my eyes and try hard enough. I see her reflection in mirrors and spoons and water and windows. which leads me to my last point: I'm doubting if she was ever real. I know it sounds silly, but she was way to perfect and I have way to much regret towards how bad I fucked up with the lying and other things (ugh dammit) to have her not be the best dream I've ever had. Least thats what it seems like sometimes. Even if I see her in the hallways at school, she seems unreal, almost angelic. It feels like I've lost someone and I didn't get to say goodbye. I know that there are other women out there and that shes probably not going to live the rest of my life out with me (That'd be so peaceful ), but gotdammit I've found perfection and i cant have it when I've had nothing before (yes that's incredibly self-centered and whiny. But both you and me are on a self-help/suicide prevention website. I think I'm allowed a little leeway.). It's ironic. It sucks. and since then I've harbored an amazing amount of resentment towards mushy movies and fairy tales. "Oh how sweet. He obsesses over her. I want a guy to do that to me." No you don't. If you really think you do, rethink it after reading what you just read. Anyway, I know what I am (it's gone down from obsessive byond love to just in love and hating yet loving it, cuz' I got help ) and what I must do, but I'm just sick of having no one there with me. Thanks for caring enough to read this far
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jasmine1434 Offline
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Re: It's kind of ironic. (warning: strong language and wall of text await ye who enter) - November 29th 2010, 02:36 AM

I don't get how she could be mad at you. It just seems like you really care about her. Maybe she's one of those people who wants to wallow in their own grief. If that's the case then one day she's going to wake up and realize that she wants to be happy. She's going to feel pretty stupid that she let you go.
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am i delusional, await, enter, hope not, i hate myself, i love you, im sick of this shit, ironic, kind, language, or do i, strong, text, wall, warning

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