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Faye. Offline
maybe this time...
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Name: Faye
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To blink out of existence... - November 29th 2010, 09:16 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've spent a lot of today and most of yesterday feeling pretty miserable. I talked to one of my friends about it yesterday. She seemed quite concerned. I talked to her about how I felt suicidal. She told me I should talk to someone, that she was worried and didn't want me to die. I saw her again today. She asked how I was, I said that I still wasn't feeling too good. She said I couldn't be feeling as bad as her. It made me feel like my feelings were invalidated. She knew I had spent the whole of the previous evening contemplating death but then as soon as I saw her face to face she seemed to forget this fact. I don't want to commit suicide because I know people care about me and would miss me but sometimes I think they just wouldn't notice.

I could take an overdose and stop existing. It could happen just like that. I could die. I could disappear. I think that there are enough pills in the house. If not, I could easily get enough in the next few days. Then I would be gone.

I was listening to the same sort of music I listened to about 3 years ago, when I thought about suicide more than I ever do now, though I didn't ever attempt it then. Anyway, this music it made it seem like late 2007 again, I felt like that person again. I felt that isolated, panicking, vaguely sick feeling. I think I miss it. It felt safer.

I don't think I ever got the sort of help I've wanted. I've been to my GP and got referred to this useless service, then I saw someone else and that wasn't much help either. I think the problem is I'm never honest enough. I lie about feeling so depressed and suicidal. I lie about what I think and feel and do. I was thinking about trying to get help again. I don't know if I can be bothered with the hassle though. I'm under 18, so any one I tell about feeling suicidal would be able to tell my parents.

Maybe it would just be easier to die.


Feel free to PM me

We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever
-Carl Sagan

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Janelle Offline
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Re: To blink out of existence... - November 30th 2010, 12:54 AM

I'm sorry that you're feeling so miserable, and that your friend really wasn't understanding. I don't think feelings should be compared that way - you can't ever know how someone is feeling and I think what she said wasn't really fair to you.

I am so glad you mentioned that you have people who care about you. Honestly, anyone who cares about someone would miss them if they were gone. Maybe you don't feel this all the time, and that's okay. I really think that one day you will.

It sounds like you've had a really difficult time in the mental health world as well. In my experience, it's really important to find someone you "click" with and feel comfortable with. Would you be open to trying? Not being completely honest about how you feel is a symptom of depression as well. A good psychologist should be able to get you to the point where you can be honest. If you don't feel like this is a good idea, there are also some really good "self-help" books out there. Also, why does having your parents know you are suicidal worry you?
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