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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
AirbendingNavi Offline
She Who Walks Alone
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Name: Sittiponder
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: The crossroads of Life and Death

Posts: 10
Join Date: December 1st 2010

I don't know anymore - December 2nd 2010, 04:24 AM

My dad my entire life has been verbally abusive to me. I don't know why. Actually that's a fib, I do know. I just don't know what triggers him. I'm on anti-depressents, I even have a therapy dog, AND I'm going to my grandparents for 7 weeks to escape his abusivness, but...I'm still in that low place. I don't feel loved, valued. I feel numb. You know what, not even that. I feel.....nothing. I've thought about how easy it would be to end it, but I'm a coward. I couldn't end it because I'm to scared of not knowing the unknowm. Dumb, huh? I just am so tired of life, yet here I am clinging to it all because of FEAR.

I'm freaking pathetic. I'm useless, worthless, stupid, ugly, a DISGRACE.

Dammit. I hate this. I hate how everyone can be happy when I am in this rut. I despise how the sun shines like nothing is wrong. I LOATHE the fact that every time I reach out, I am pushed away.

Huh. Maybe I should take a hint and off myself.

But I won't. I can't. Because I'm afraid. What a life.

So I'm stuck in this rut, with no one to help me out. No knight in shining armor, no helping hand, not even a freaking rope.

This is such utter BULLSHIT.

I hate ME, I hate LIFE, I hate DEATH, I hate FEAR.

The list goes on and on. But I won't waste your time with that. I apoligize for wasting your time with this pathetic post, but I thought I should get it out there. Because one small part of me is still hoping, wishing, BEGGING for someone to notice me in the crowd and say "Hey. You want a hand out of that ditch?"

But no one will. No one EVER will. Because I am just a number, and no one cares.

No one cares because I am me.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
AirbendingNavi Offline
She Who Walks Alone
Welcome me, I'm new!
AirbendingNavi's Avatar
Name: Sittiponder
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: The crossroads of Life and Death

Posts: 10
Join Date: December 1st 2010

Re: I don't know anymore - December 2nd 2010, 08:45 PM

Nice to know nobody cares.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
how.we.operate. Offline
~Sing Me To Sleep~
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Name: Nikki
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Location: IL

Posts: 397
Blog Entries: 10
Join Date: January 7th 2009

Re: I don't know anymore - December 3rd 2010, 06:54 PM

Hey hugs
There will always be someone who cares, you might not see it because of your internal thoughts, but there is always someone. A lot of the time, depression causes you to think differently where you hate yourself, you think no one is out there, you think no one cares, you think that you are useless, and you think that it would be easy to just die. Realize this is stemming from the depression.
I've been there, my parents verbally abused me and I was "physically" abused as a kid, my sisters treated me as an outcast, and every time I'd reach out for help from one of my friends, I'd get shot down. In fact that friend would use me for when they were down and then turn away from me when I needed it. I've felt all of what you have felt, but trust me, there is so much more to living than thinking that way. I was used for sexual purposes at a young age and when I was very depressed, then I was deceived by someone else. My last ex would guilt me into staying with him until I broke up with him under pressure of school/midterms and depression and he turned away from me. I know what it is like to have that feeling of abandonment and to feel like no one is there to help. Reality is, there is always someone. Through the breakup, I began talking to friends more and more. One of them started inviting me to eat lunch and sometimes I'd go, other times I'd stay in and loathe myself. Eventually, I started talking to my friend and he'd help me. We did insane things, like stay up watching youtube videos and drink 5 hour energy drinks. Now, I'm going out with that guy and I have been so much better--I haven't SHed and been depressed in over 9 months and I think so much better of myself.
So in the end, it comes down to what you think of yourself and what you do about it. If you choose to think that you are useless etc, then you are going to be stuck in that ditch until you find someone that can get past your defenses and tell you otherwise. Finding help is hard when you keep getting turned down, so try finding help somewhere else?
It is good that you aren't going to be staying with your dad, he is a major part of you feeling useless. Reality-you aren't useless! If you've made someone smile and laugh (in a good way), you aren't useless. Rant things out to someone or here. Give yourself a chance to let things out, but also realize what you think-how you look at yourself etc. Make a change to that.
You are not a coward. Death is hard, suicide is harder. Don't live numbly. I live in a world of death (the number of deaths surpass my age by a lot and those are just the people that were close to me) and it is always so hard to hear about another death. If you commit suicide, you die young and you won't be able to experience life. You are 14, you are so young. Life is amazing, but it is hard to get through and that is why is it worth fighting for. You will have your ups and downs and those times where you sit in a ditch, but it is worth it to try and find that hill where you can finally stand up and laugh at depression and your past. You have to start helping yourself to climb out of that ditch and up that hill.

I hope that you can try to take in this advice, because it feels so much better to smile and mean it than to hate yourself.
Feel free to PM

Leave the past behind, just walk away
When it's over, and the heart break
And the cracks begin to show

*~*~This little girl was alone in the world~*~*
Hold Onto Hope
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