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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Name: Jessica
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Ready to give up... - December 8th 2010, 07:58 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My whole life, I had something great to hold onto... but that something is gone. It was the only reason why I kept myself alive. I told myself that I had something important to do, that I couldn't give up on it.

I'm never enough for my dad. No matter what I do, I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, or athletic enough for him. In his eyes, I am a lazy, pathetic person that he is embaressed of. I'm sick of my mom's abuse, I want to fly away. I can't trust people anymore, I hate them. All of my life, I always wanted to save wildlife. I never had an interest in being around lots of people, but always loved animals. They are extreamely special to me, but because of my mom I never had a long term pet. Nothing besides fish, and a few bunnies. I told myself, that I have an important task to fill, and someday I'll be free and doing the one thing, the only thing I want. I went to high school, and despite battling my parents, mean kids, and grades, I made it through and to a university. Being broke, I have government help as well as assistance from my grandparents since my mom refuses to even give me a few dollars. Hell, I can't even find a job! After having to take from my grandparents and study my ass off, I'm making Cs. Guess what else? The degree I need, is only offered at one school in the state, the same college that offers related degrees that could even substitute, no where else. To get into that school a bunch of Cs won't even be close to being good enough. Time is ticking, and unless I get straight As, I won't get in. My classes are hard, and there is no getting As. What is left? My dream is slipping, the very same dream that everyone says I shouldn't follow, but it's the only thing I want.

I feel hopeless, unwanted, pathetic, useless, and broken. Nothing I do is enough. It seems I'll never amount to anything. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm having to fight these battles alone. I guess I could change my career to something I hate. I guess I could keep trying to find a job in this bad economy even though I've even been rejected from McDonalds. I guess I could continue fighting with my parents. I guess I could live of my grandparents and feel like a worthless piece of shit forever. I guess I can keep missing the my friends who have left me. I guess I can live alone despite the fact that I am terrified of being alone. Maybe someday I can stop hurting myself. Maybe someday it won't be hard to wake up in the morning. Maybe someday I won't scream at someone with all of this built up anger. Things build up, and I feel like I just lost what I hold the most dear to me. Everyday is a new worry, a new battle ontop of the ongoing ones. They say things get better, but they've only gotten worse.

Maybe... just maybe... if I go today, I won't have to worry about tomorrow.

I'm ready to go. I don't even care if that's selfish. I really don't care. I feel the need to escape, to go anywhere. Why am I still here even know to post this? I know I am trying to find some sort of hope. I tell myself that sometimes things fall apart in order to fall in place, but I don't think that could ever happen to me.

Nothing left is worth living.

Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Angeal Offline
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Name: Ranada Givens
Age: 26
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Location: Biloxi Mississippi

Posts: 119
Join Date: June 7th 2010

Re: Ready to give up... - December 8th 2010, 09:15 PM

I've felt the same way you are feeling before, and sometimes those thoughts come back to haunt me, but you shouldn't give up on life. Sometimes we are thrown tough obstacles, only to learn how to go around. Everyone on here loves and cares about you, and I'm sure there are people who would miss you. Just hang in there, tommorow is always worth living for.

PM me if you ever want to talk about anything.
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