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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TiredBrownEyes Offline
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Tired of this. - December 8th 2010, 10:58 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Triggering for self harm and suicide
Just skip the quoted text if you don't want to read the background story and get to the main point.

Well, in the months that I've been away from here many things have happened. One, I went 6 months without any self harm. It felt great, I felt great. But then it all goes down the damn drain once again. A year ago or so I opened up about some abuse I experienced, and I can still be a bit sensative about it at times.

Anyways, during my fourth period class a girl's comment about abuse set me off. I went into fifth, and ended up talking to my teacher and I asked him how someone could say something like that. I didn't explain why it affected me so much though. I was nearly in tears, he excused me to go to the bathroom and I cried. Went home that night, and cut. All those months of..being ok, gone. A few days later, the teacher talked to me again in the morning, he said I needed to talk to someone about why I got so upset. After a little bit of resistance, I told him that I would think about talking to him at lunch.

I went in, cried my eyes out to the guy and explained nearly everything. I didn't touch the self-harm topic. He talked with me, and tried to convince me to go up to the Guidance office to speak with my counsellor. I disagreed throughly and firmly. He then told me he would talk to a consellor, but not my own, and he would tell me what he said. (He was going to explain the situation without giving my name, then tell me what the counsellor said.) To this, I agreed.

Next day, I talk to him at lunch again. The counsellor is there and I kinda freaked out. But he left, and I talked to my teacher again. To shorten things up a bit, he managed to convince me to talk to the counsellor.

A few weeks passed, with me talking to either one some days. Anyways, a few days ago I talked to my teacher, telling him I needed to speak with him. He asked me if I was self harming, I hesitantly said I was, and he took me up to guidance office right away. I missed my bus home, and spent time talking to the counsellor. I was mad at my teacher for a few days after.

Okkkaaay. Last thursday I had a breakdown. And i'd be damned if it was infront of the class, so I got excused to go to Guidance in fourth period. I had a break down in his office, and told him:

~My self harm was getting worse, and had moved to my arms
~I was having thoughts of suicide.

He called my mother. Told her everything. Told her I needed to go to the hospital, and to make an appointment to see my social worker. My mom got angry at me, when we got home my father refused to speak with me, or look at me. I got in massive trouble, but my mom called my social worker.

The appointment to see him yesterday was cancelled, because of a massive snow storm. My social worker told my mom that they didn't blame her for not taking me anywhere when she picked me up from the school. Now I feel like he doesn't give two sh**s. And my next appointment is in two weeks.
I'm still self harming, and it's going lower on my arm. I'm still having suicidal thoughts, and I feel like no one cares. My teacher and the counsellor...I think they care, but I've convinced myself they're more worried about liability and all that.

I don't know what to do anymore. My mother told me if I can't handle simple comments at school, I need to look at a different job idea and not go there, that I should be done with feeling bad about the abuse, done with the depresson, with the self harm..Alright fine, whats the f***ing point anymore then?!

(sorry for the long text, I haven't spoken to anyone and I'm going farther down the drain and afraid where I'm gonna end up. I usually hate talking to people, I've even told my teacher that I feel bad for talking to him. So er, sorry for dumping my problems.)
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Macklemoist Offline
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Re: Tired of this. - December 9th 2010, 04:15 AM

Hey Vanessa,
Well first of all congrast on going so far without SH...Sorry to hear the time is lost now but hey you have a record to break don't ya'!?!
I want to thank you on going to the teacher about this issue.So many suicides are commited by teens every year and they could have been prevented if they had the courage like you just to talk to somebody.I have tried to commit suicide and I cut for awhile but I have stopped completely, just know that you CAN DO IT and support is just a phone call or click of a key away!
I'm guessing your mom & dad really "doesn't understand" what you are going through... It has prob. been years since they have beeni in High School & prob. things have changed since they were kids!
I'm guessing that your mom & dad didn't know about the SHing/ suicial thoughts... just give them some time to get use to the idea that their daughter wants to end their life. :/
Hope what I said helped ,Vanesssa.
Feel free to add me as a friend on here...

Allow yourself to develop in all aspects of life- cut out from toxic people and realize it's for the best. Love yourself endlessly, and even if you don't love yourself right now, fake it until you do.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
TiredBrownEyes Offline
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Re: Tired of this. - December 9th 2010, 09:57 PM

Two years ago, sucidal thoughts is what go me into seeing a social worker. My parents knew before about the thoughts and SHing. But that was a while ago. When my counsellor at school called my mom, he told her about my SHing, and told her I needed to go to the hospital (he didn't tell her about the sucidal thoughts and stuff). She ignored his suggestion, and when she called up my social worker, he told her he didn't blame her for taking me to the hospital. My parents and I argued for one night, my dad wouldn't even talk or look at me. But now everything is back to my family's 'normal'. They act like nothing ever happened, and my next appt with my S.W. is in two weeks. I'm kinda in the mind state where my s.w. doesn't care, my parents don't really care, and all I have right now that are physically close to me are the people at school.
I talked to the two teachers again today, but briefly. One was because I had a little breakdown at lunch, my voice got squeaky and high..it was kinda embarassing >.>". Then with my fifth period teacher I asked him if it was ok to be mad, at my parents and stuff. And he talked with me quickly before I had to leave for my bus. Honestly, I really don't know what I would have done before if I hadn't spoken to that teacher.
And yes that did help me Sabreena. Thank you very much. :3
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