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If you never hope, you can never be disappointed. - December 21st 2010, 07:27 PM

I had an argument with my friend the other night and he said to me 'I dont know what to do, I dont know what you want!' and I stood there in shock for a bit. Eventually I looked and him and out of nowhere I was listing things that I wanted, things like;
I want my dad to stop ruining chistmas every year
I want to stop cutting
I want to stop having to act like the elder in my household when i'm the youngest
I want my mum to get a decent job

etc etc.

When you're little, and it's your birthday, you make a wish on your candles. My friends would wish for bikes, or roller blades, stupid things like that, and I would blow out my candles and i'd wish that my mum would get a job good enough to support me and my brother, or i'd wish that my brother passed his GCSEs. I never once remember wishing something for myself, but yet out of nowhere all of these demands just came out my mouth.

If i felt bad before, the fight with my friend just took everything out of me, every shred of hope or of happiness gone.


There's a light at the end of my tunnel, I'm just starting to think its a train.


-hangin' on by a thread
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Re: If you never hope, you can never be disappointed. - December 21st 2010, 11:37 PM

OMG!!! i'm sooo sorry!! That's horrible! Okay you should still have hope and faith in people.....you should still believe your family loves you and doesn't know how to show it and you should still have certain expectations from them....I think your friend wanted you to be less dependent on their responses and less reactive to their poor treatments toward you by telling you that you should expect less from them...i honestly think you should just laugh at the fact that some of the things are bad....you should be making bets with friends that you will get a better job than your mom one day or something just to lighten the mood....i don't think you should rely on your family for too much support and I don't think you should invest too much in them....I'm not saying don't be there for them bc you should but I am saying that you should distance yourself from them every now and then....I don't think your friend was trying to hurt your feelings..I think they just approached their idea the wrong way...I'm so sorry and please please message me if you ever want to talk! KEEP ME AND OTHERS UPDATED!!
   
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Re: If you never hope, you can never be disappointed. - December 21st 2010, 11:59 PM

Hope and faith can be difficult to have when you live the life you shouldn't have to live. Being the youngest, or in my case, the only child, and having to step up to the plate, can be a nightmare and an accomplishment. A nightmare because you end up with little or no childhood, an accomplishment because you've matured before anyone else your age. I'm sure your mom is trying to make enough to keep you and your brother happy, but you have to realize that the bacis needs come first. A roof over your head, food in your stomach, education. Do you have those at least? There are things you perhaps are over-looking. How does your dad ruin christmas? Is there a valid reason for you to cut or are you addicted to the pain it causes? Your brother is old enough to look after himself, let him worry about his GSCEs, you have a childhood to consern yourself with, a childhood he'd want you to focus on.
Your only 14, take what you can out of your childhood while you have the chance, I was 4 when things dropped onto my shoulders because no adult wanted to take the responsibility they should have. Not my responsibility. Theirs. I regret having no childhood because of this.


Dec. 31th, 2010:
21 days since I chose to change
7 since I was last used
6 since I last harmed myself
1 day since I cried
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