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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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My only reason to live was taken from me. - December 23rd 2010, 02:33 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is it, I've made up my mind, but I have to wait a few days to get home to do it. I need to vent so I can make those few days. I suppose a little background information would help explain how I got to this point.

*Divorced Parents
*Abusive Mother
*Father lives out of state and everytime I visit him he is negative towards me.
*Low self-esteem
*VERY bad relationships. Every single one... until now.

For a long time I've been fighting anxiety, self-harm, depression, and all sorts of other problems. Guess what? I stopped cutting. My arms are healing. Every day I was with my boyfriend for six months. EVERYDAY. Even night. He got me to stop, made everything better. Only him, and only him do I want.

My boyfriend made a very big mistake. Firstly, he has a mild form a schitzophrenia, and one bad day for him, one day when he was not feeling like himself and I had to go home that afternoon..... he stole my roommates stuff and pawned it. He gave it back the following week, apologized, and confessed when they had no evidince it was him who did it. My roommate who was once a friend, had been complaining about us all semester, and after a while, I left my room to stay with him. I thought it would satisfy her. Now, she is pressing full charges, even after getting her stuff back(a laptop). After knowing he openly confessed when he did not have to and right now he is in jail. Terrified. He is getting pressecuted by the state, and from my knowledge, especially knowing how our state is... he's not getting out for probably a year. Jail changes people, plus with being schitzophrenic.... he was doing so much better and now this!!!! FUCK THIS WORLD!!! I don't want any part of it.

I've never felt so alone in my life, and here this girl is posting online that she's excited to send him to jail and ruin his career. I can't help him!!! I can't do anything after all he's done for me. Sure, he made a mistake, but he corrected it, and now he'll never be the same. There's no way I can live a year without him when he's the reason I've made it this far. No one else cares half as much as he does. Nothing is worth living anymore. So... I guess I know what my christmas present will be.... the death of me.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Maloo Offline
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Re: My only reason to live was taken from me. - December 23rd 2010, 03:38 PM

Suicide is never the answer. What do you think it would do to your boyfriend when he finds out that you've killed yourself? There is a way for you to help him - to be there for him when he gets out of jail. And aren't you allowed to visit people in jail? Or at least send letters? You should be able to have some form of correspondence with him while he's gone. He won't be gone forever.

If you end your life, you're creating a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Thing's will get better, I promise.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My only reason to live was taken from me. - December 23rd 2010, 03:41 PM

PLEASE don't hurt yourself, hun. Let me let you in on a little secret...I care about you. You read correctly. I care about you and everyone else on this site! I know that I'm NOT your boyfriend, but I can listen. Trust me on this, ending your life isn't the right choice here. There are better solutions! Chances are that your life will get so much better down the line. If you need anyone, I am here


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last updated on 11/11/17
   
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CitizenErased Offline
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Re: My only reason to live was taken from me. - December 23rd 2010, 05:36 PM

Jessica,

We all care about you here. We are here for you whenever you have any problems or things you want to talk about. We can offer practical help as well in your everyday life. I know its terrible that he is going to jail, and i think that thats unfair, but theres nothing we can do about it now unfortunatley. My advice to you would be to stay close to him while he's in jail. Visit regularly and write often. It will mean alot to him. Also, stay close to people on here. We will do our best to help you in any and every situation.


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Wash me away
Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
They will only bring us pain
And I've seen all I'll ever need
   
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Harley Quinn Offline
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Re: My only reason to live was taken from me. - December 23rd 2010, 08:13 PM

One thing I'd like to say, you want relief right?

Relief doesn't come in death. You feel nothing, you don't know what happens.

And to add onto the others, look! We're replying! We read your post, we've cared about you since the moment we met you! (For me that is right now, but ... the others may be longer). We love you and care. We may not seem real, but here I am, about to go to InNOut in my jeans and Donkey Kong T-Shirt, listening to my mom and sister yelling at each other. Instead of going to stop them, I'm here, typing a reply to you. I care. I don't want you to hurt yourself. There's a reason to live for everyone, but it may not be seen.
I am not one to say "HAHA! I know what my reason to live is!" I don't, but I know a lot of others who have reasons to live.

Read the reasons to live sticky in this forum (I'm not allowed to link it). And please, don't hurt yourself. We care.


I hope you're having a spectacular day!


You can PM/VM me about anything.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Re: My only reason to live was taken from me. - December 24th 2010, 08:17 PM

thanks guys for your support, but its complicated. im tired of living and the only person that can make me feel like everything will be ok is my boyfriend. just talking to him is not enough. besides the girl who is pressing charges is messing up his life which hurts me. that girl was supposed to be my friend. all my other friends kinda left. ive never felt so alone. besides... because of all the added stress lately i cant eat. its been two days and what little i manage to swallow comes right back up. i just really hate this world and want out. i need more than just relief.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Maloo Offline
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Re: My only reason to live was taken from me. - December 25th 2010, 01:00 PM

It doesn't stay like this forever though, and it's not worth killing yourself over. There's a whole world out there, and a whole life ahead of you. The future can always be better than the past and the present.
   
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